Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

I’ve done the whole forcing myself to be physical even when I wasn’t feeling it 100%. My best friend has given me similar advice re love language. But it didn’t get us anywhere. I’m not an on/off switch. It made me feel a 100x worse

Whereas I would think "Ugh, really? Now I have to spend ages thinking of gifts, finding time to buy them and then remember to write notes - why can't he just be happy that I do XYZ without all the cutesy fluff".

Shows how different we all are, I guess.

I don’t want gifts. A phone call would feel like heaven earth. I really am not a superficial person. A lot of my examples yes involve objects because we are not able to share much time together during the week.

Then go and find someone who can give you what you feel you need. You clearly won't get it from your partner, so why carry on flogging a dead horse?

Not all physical touch is sexual.

You can have intimate physical touch without it leading to sex.

What you're saying here is you are done full stop.

But you are also saying he isn't allowed to be done despite him also having to endure hurtful things like you pretending to be asleep, and telling him that what he is doing is just not good enough.

But you said you recently spent a car journey in total silence. What would be the point of a phone call if that's the case?

@Borae If your husband wanted to - he would.

Think about that. Why doesn't he want to? Anymore.

Do you talk at all during the week?

We interact physically and are occasionally sexual. It feels so forced to me. Like we are literally just going through the motions. We both definitely feel that.

its why I am asking to find ways to emotionally connect.

Then it’s over.

Your marriage is done, better to end it now. I would prefer to divorce in your situation.

I'm sorry OP, I think this is one where people's advice (and criticism) can't really answer your question. Hopefully your therapist could help you discuss in more depth.

I don't think attachment styles and love languages (which btw is a pseudoscience made up by an evangelist) can really help with this fundamental incompatibility between you. I would feel as you do and personally think you deserve so much better x

Well do you know what probably feels forced to him? Texts and calls in the middle of a busy day to someone who actively has gone out of their way in the past to ignore him.

Btw, you can usually tell when someone is faking being asleep.

Exactly. If I came to bed at midnight after a long day at work and saw my partner lying in the dark faking sleep, I'd not exactly feel inclined to ring them the next day for a chat 🤔

That's why a lot of people go to marriage therapy, but that's not what it's for. The therapist isn't a judge and jury who's going to decide which of you is most right or most wrong and issue the other with a "sentence".

They're there to facilitate the two of you talking and hashing it out yourselves, with their guidance. That's all. It's not even about who is right or wrong, it's about can you two come to an agreement, either to work on the marriage and fix the issues or to separate. I'd suggest you go alone from now on TBH, or get another therapist purely for yourself, even if you keep going with him too in these original separate sessions. You need someone to talk to who isn't putting your relationship at the centre of things, but who is instead helping you to decide what you want from life and marriage and whether your husband is the right one for you.

Your husband is showing up physically but that's it. He's likely doing it to pacify you but isn't actually emotionally engaging with the process of therapy, because he has no desire to or intention of changing anything. He's just lying to two people now, you and the therapist. Attending therapy is the crumb he's throwing your way and it's clear it's all you're getting. He's not going to do anything except wait and see if you stay or go. He might not want you to go but he's equally unwilling to do anything to make you want to stay.

This, knowing that I was expected to be making love language calls inbetween patients or be seen as abandonment would be awful.

If you do decide on divorce you can now do it under a no fault clause, still taking 26weeks and a day.Jointly or soley.
Your husband is showing classic signs of withdrawing from you,into himself, for whatever reason .
You do not have children,so think of yourself and only stay if he shows you he still loves you,how ever he can.
It is absolutely normal to not want sex with your partner if you don't feel loved .
You are young, you have years in front of you to start again.Do not stay if you are miserable every day.

Especially when I was meant to be ringing someone who had faked sleep the night before so they didn't have to speak to me!

Sorry but you are being ridiculous and so is your couple's therapist. Find a better therapist.

Why haven't you said how long in total you've been with your husband? I think it's important to know for people to give you advice.

I have children your age, married, and tbh if they were only 2 years into a childless marriage and were this unhappy I'd honestly tell them to part ways. It shouldn't be this hard. I think needing to have couples therapy 2 years in is a very bad sign and even if your marriage limps on I doubt it's going to last much longer.

Piece of piss though to be fair! If that’s all it takes to make your partner happy then that’s an easy one!

People aren't getting it. It's the chicken and egg situation. They think you started this as punishment. It's obvious to me that you didn't. Instead it's been the end result of him withholding emotional intimacy and connection.

He's checked out, you felt that. Having sex or initiating any kind of physical affection now feels like going through the motions because you can sense there's no connection there, it's making you feel worse because you're not a performing monkey and physical affection needs to be a two way thing. It's obvious to me that he withdrew first and this is your totally natural reaction to someone who is showing you day after day in 100 little ways that he just GDAF about you.

We met when I was 26

You are two passing ships in the night. He works utterly ridiculous hours. What's he doing that there's a necessity to come home at midnight every night?!! Even if he's self-employed, most, unless the business is relatively new, don't come home at that time. Your schedules aren't in any way compatible to married life, let alone for one that can accommodate children. You're asleep when he comes home, he's asleep when you go to work in the morning. What time do you spend together at weekends? Or does he work those too?! To me, there's your problem - a husband who is not physically there to spend any time with!! Sending texts, leaving notes, in my mind is just papering over the real issue, that you don't see each other to have a connection. Until this changes, then nothing else will.

Oh this thread made me uncomfortable anyway

But you've just said outright you're using the therapist to try and force your husband to do what you want

Oof

Yep...eek. That is not what therapy is for.