Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

You're punishing him by withholding sex and physical intimacy and in return you are expecting him to write love notes.

It's not going to happen.

deleted as cross posted.

I agree.

And I am not saying have sex you don't want to have, just recognise you aren't meeting his needs anymore than he is yours OP and that is simply a compatability issue.

You need to consider separation for both your sakes.

Look @Borae if you're not happy then you have two choices - stay put and stay miserable, or leave and find someone who does make you happy and who can do all the things you want and need.

You're young. Don't settle for someone who isn't working for you.

Have you read the replies OP? You are not engaging, at all, with what a lot of people are saying. I am not sure that this thread is helping you. You’re obviously upset but it feels like you are going round in circles and working yourself up.

Many, many people are saying that your husband could well care hugely about you and that the whole performative gestures thing should not be equated with whether or not he loves you.

But you are completely fixated on this and, I suspect, damaging your relationship as a result. If you can’t let it go, and find ways to enjoy the time you have together, you need to stop playing the blame game, recognise that you are too different and find someone who is compatible.

Honestly, I kind of agree with this.

I’m not a robot. I can’t just have sex with someone I feel is almost going out of his way to reject me. He’s hurt me. I miss intimacy too. If I could press a button and we could have the same dynamic we had before of course I would. I’m trying to get us to reconnect. I’m telling husband what I need. I can’t keep repeating myself.

You are choosing to interpret his actions as a hurtful when really they’re how normal relationships work.

But you're hurting him too.

She’s hurting both of them.

If I don’t feel like being intimate because husband has pulled away emotionally then that is on both of us.

Be honest though, would you want to write love notes for someone who pretended to be asleep so they didn't have to talk to you?

Do you think she’ll find someone who will agree to only doing what she wants, reacting as she wants, behaving as she wants only and having no personal feelings or autonomy?

right.

There are some things here which i think are natural to fall away, some of the little loving things that you used to do, long work hours and complacency that come with marriage and LTR's can do that.

That being said. If he's being complacent, and you're reacting to that by pulling back from intimacy, then its going to fail from both sides, because you're pulling the things he could react/respond to, which just widens the gap. I know this because my ExHs awful behaviour started me on this track until i just didn't want him to touch me at all, and there was NO coming back from that.

Try putting that intimacy back in for a bit, see if it makes a difference, and if not, and If you've spoken to him at length, and he still can't be bothered , then i'm sorry OP, this is dead in the water.

No - I agree that her expectations aren't realistic. But the answer isn't to stay with her current partner either.

I was hoping the relationship therapist would convey how miserable I am. And force husband to acknowledge and respond to my feelings. But still nothing. I just want a hint that I’m loved and appreciated. But all I get is rejection.

Then leave. and stop pulling yourself apart.

Sometimes couples have babies to paper the cracks over.

You've not got that as an option.

Do you ever relax and spend time together. Anyone can go out and have fun but if you can't be together juast doing nothing then you're doomed.

I think you need a divorce. Let him get on with whatever or whoever he is doing now.

But you're rejecting him too. If his love language is physical contact and you're pulling away from it - he's not going to feel like writing you notes or buying you cookies, is he?

Let me put it a different way.

Imagine your husband came up with a requirement which you thought was daft. Eg once a day, you have to turn around three times and sing one verse of twinkle twinkle little star.

How would you feel about having to do it all of the time and being punished when you didn’t? Would you be happy to do it? Only takes a minute and it’s what your husband really needs to feel loved.

If you didn’t do it, would it mean that you didn’t love your husband? Is failing to comply with the instruction a hurtful act?

I get the feeling that this, like all the other advice you’ve had, will fall of deaf ears and that your DH is in a my-way-or-the-highway situation. But, to those of us who don’t feel the need to provide heart shaped coffees, voice notes and turmeric shots etc, this is not far off how we view your demands and your reaction to your DH’s failures.

🔔🔔🔔

When I read this I thought this is really hurtful for him.

In fact DP and I went through something similar, except the problem was me. I had done so much talking at work that I would subconsciously make myself busy so I didn't have to talk to him, or anybody really, but as I lived with him he took the brunt of my lack of engagement.

I made it all about me and my needs and forgot about him and his needs and how I had isolated both of us.

It really takes a lot of self reflection to realise this is what is going on.

So when I read that she was pretending to be asleep it just took me back to how hurt DP had been, and he had hidden it for so long that we felt like strangers to each other.

If I had put this all on him, we would have been dead in the water. OP is putting this all on him.

I can’t understand why he won’t throw a crumb my way. Why make me feel so pathetic?

You deserve more than crumbs. Begging for them if why you feel pathetic. His actions and your (entirely natural) reactions to his actions are harming you. If you stay in this relationship it will destroy you.

By the way "I'm sorry you feel like that" isn't even an apology. It's meaningless words that takes no responsibility for his actions in destroying what you two had. He has checked out, that's clear.

If you can't divorce at this point, check out yourself, start to emotionally detach. He's literally never there and on the rare occasion he is, he isn't present. So start living and thinking as if you were single, minus the cheating because you are still married.

Relegate him in your mind to housemate status. Slowly start pulling back in all your attempts to connect, stop doing his laundry or making the Sunday roast out of duty etc, don't be instantly available when he notices you've changed.

That's how you get your self esteem and confidence back, by respecting yourself enough not to go begging for crumbs and from someone who CBA to even give those! Get yourself a life that doesn't include him, new friends and hobbies etc, go for promotion even if it'll mean moving house, whatever you want basically. You'll eventually find yourself halfway to healed from this shit show of a relationship and ready to take the next step of divorcing him, so you can find someone more suited to you who actually wants to be in a relationship for companionship sake and because he likes/loves/fancies you.

When he was nicer before I reckon that was the honeymoon period of the relationship and now it's over this is who he really is. They never return to how they were in the beginning, so stop waiting for that version of him to come back, it's gone and probably never existed, often just an act to catch you. Now he's got you, you're married, he CBA to keep up the act any more. TBH nobody can sustain being so fake for so long. You weren't to know. Trusting him doesn't make you a bad person or a fool. Don't get sucked in by the sunk costs fallacy though, don't waste any more of your life on someone who isn't what you thought they were.

That's really not what you can reasonably expect the therapist to do.

If my bf said to me he wanted me to buy small gifts/ leave notes then i would think “Bingo! This is a quick win”, because it would be so very straightforward to do this.

I’d probably go and buy 20 small treats for the month, and hide them somewhere then set a reminder to do something “spontaneous” (lol) every 2 days. Really easy!

I think you’d be hugely compatible with the OP! But not with many other people.