Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

⬆️ this. You sound needy, sorry. If my DH texted me about nothing while I was trying to work it would get on my nerves. And if he said he wanted me to text him I’d tell him to stop trying to control me. If he has to be told to do it then it’s fake. The homework thing sounds awful. I’d find a different therapist, to maybe work on why you need these constant reassurances.

Exactly - that is why I wouldn’t bother asking him if he wants to be there …..
especially in front of OP, I believe he is there in body not spirit
so asking him outright is unlikely to give an honest answer
I would be watching what he does / doesn’t do
rather than asking -
as there is a dynamic at play here
turning up to therapy but not engaging is a game people play ….

I would not want to have to text my husband while I'm at work either, and would actually find it slightly annoying if he did it to me most of the time (I don't like being interrupted).

But if our marriage was on the rocks after only 2 years and this was what he asked me to do, I would 100% do it because I cared about him! I would probably try to find ways that would suited me better, eg in the OPs scenario, stopping on my way home to get her something or leaving something out for her before going to bed would be more convenient than interrupting my work day.

That said, you gave a few examples where he did think about you OP. The booking of taxis for example, surely that means he was thinking of you at the time? Are you discounting any things like that?

@grumpygrape
agree.
people feel loved in different ways.
my dh and mine is physical touch ( intimacy is very important. )
I also value quality time ( watching tv does not count) so sometimes I can feel a bit resentful if dh thinks that it is.
Now buying presents and romantic stuff is lost on me (dh is very romantic) so in op’s dh’s place all the biscuits and heart shaped treats wouldn’t mean anything
intimacy is the one thing op’s dh has brought up, but op is holding that at ransom - for texts??
And had stopped sending racy pictures
What about coupes in the forces ?
My friends dh worked , for months with out internet connection.
Back in the day there was ‘no texts’.

@Borae I can feel the loneliness within your relationship just through your words, that’s never a nice feeling and it’s good that you’re trying to work on an, at least, middle ground compromise. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t??? I really would strongly advise against bringing children in to this.

Little things that we both do that show we care: buy the other’s small favourite items in the shop, make cups of tea, run a hot Epsom bath for them after a long day, fetch the coal in in the rain so they don’t have to, stay up late/get up early just to spend some time together cuddled up, send the occasional message for no reason but just to say we’re thinking of each other, make dinner including the washing up, keep up to date with local events they might like.

All of these things you've listed:

• cook his favourite meals
• make turmeric and ginger shots
• iron the odd shirt
• bake him sweet treats/protein balls
• leave a post it on the bathroom mirror/fridge
• bring him coffee in the morning
• make sure he has stuff to have a nice and quick breakfast
• i share links to events I know he will like/book them
• I used to send racy-ish pics (no face). Not something I have done in a while
• buy his favourite beer/anything I know he will like
• i used to leave voice notes just saying I hope he has a good day etc - don’t do that either anymore. Feels awkward

Are just normal things that most people do in a marriage (apart from the post- it note on the mirror stiff which doesn't happen outside of romcoms and the racy pics which many would just find extremely cringey and inappropriate - nobody wants a hard on whilst at work or to pick up their phone in front of a colleague and for them to get a glimpse of your boobs).

You are doing performative loving. You think he should feel special because you've bought crumpets and posh jam. He just thinks the crumpets were because they didn't have any bagels and the jam was on offer. You cook his favourite meals - he thinks you've made dinner because you were the one at home. You make sweet treats - he thinks you fancied a sugar fix. You make sure he has things to have a nice quick breakfast - he thinks you went to Asda. You buy his favourite beer - he thinks why would you buy any other beer because it wouldn't get used.

You are expecting him to see your overwhelming feelings of love in everything you do. He is busy and getting on with llfe. In all likelihood he believes he is showing love by working hard and contributing money. You're also not giving him credit for the things he does like booking taxis for you, carrying things, giving you the best seats, holding the door etc.

I think your expectations of him to write you love notes are cringey and awkward. However if that's what you need from a relationship then you are mismatched. You need either to accept that he isn't into love notes or move on and find someone who is (although Im not sure many people behave this way in real life)

Totally inappropriate post but who irons the ‘even’ shirt ? 🤔

It sounds like your husband has an avoidant attachment style, and you may have an anxious one
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Ask your counselor to help you both explore your attachment styles. It may help. Good luck!

Behaviour is a language... his language is telling you he doesn't care about you.

Or it's telling her that he doesn't show his feelings in the same way that she does.

Please, please stop with the bloody love languages stuff.
Surely before you marry someone you make a decision about how the pair of you interact?
If you want love notes, you find someone who writes love notes. If you want constant affection you find someone who likes affection.
I so don’t want to be an arse, but was he not like this before?

Reading your post history, it feels like he might have someone on the side. Don't ignore your gut feelings, he has checked out of the marriage here and something is going on.

You can run for the hills but you are not in this particular relationship. This is not working for Op and she is here to discuss an issue in her relationship giving her stress. Who cares what you want in a relationship. I really hope you have a relationship that works for you but this is about Op.

This is what the therapist is for. She/he will want to know how things went since last appt. Let him explain to the therapist (and you) why he couldn't manage to do the 'homework'. Therapy isn't a quick fix. He might never get there but use the sessions to dig in to your expectations / what he can give you / communication.

I think all those things you do is lovely but why not just stop doing them for a while and see how that pans out? He may not even notice, which means all your loving gestures are going unseen and unheard. You may even feel fine not doing them but I realised with my ex that he didn’t possess that trait where you build up emotional investments (in the way you behave and treat each other). So basically it was like every day was a clean slate and all the previous emotional investments are cancelled out at midnight and a new empty day begins. That didn't work for me.

I don't think we can have it all. From what you've shared, your DH:

• Puts your comfort above his (carries suitcases, the shopping bags etc., offer me the best seat.)
• Pays attention to your plans and shows concern for you (used to give you lifts but now that isn't possible, he takes time to book you taxis)
• Is interested to, and listens to, your views on life
• Values your input

But he hasn't bought you flowers, sent you sweet texts, or bought you sweet treats.

You think you are loving your DH, but he may not feel loved by what you're doing either.

DH very quickly worked out that I just don't care about flowers. He could buy me flowers every week and I wouldn't feel any more loved than if he never bought me flowers.

I would love DH to want big meaningful conversations about world events. He just isn't that way inclined. He's not a reader. He is happy to accept the world as it is. He will politely listen, but he's not going to be full of thoughts and information. So I have those conversations with other people who do enjoy that.

DH is good at the practical. He shows his love by doing the grungy jobs at home. Putting the bins out. Loading the dishwasher (he likes it done a certain way and I'm never right). He makes me a cup of tea before he goes to work.

He does, ironically, send me texts every so often to see how I am. I'm often too busy to answer because I'm in meetings about our children (SEN).

We can't have it all and sometimes we throw away what we have in pursuit of 'everything' but everything never happens. What if the next guy sent sweet texts but was workshy, selfish, and thoughtless. Would you feel better? Of course not.

You don’t sound very compatible. Why did you get married, what did you find attractive about him?

What has changed?

May one politely ask, was this any kind of arranged or semi-arranged marriage OP?

Many people are really trying to help you here, but answering background questions such as how long you knew each other before marriage, how he was before, and how his parents relate can help with more refined responses to the issues at hand.

the refusal to answer how long they were dating beforehand is making me wonder if it is an arranged marriage.

Old fashioned derogatory slang for unemployment benefits. Just more gaslighting bullshit.

Obviously there's a middle ground between being a total workaholic, selfishly focusing on entirely what he wants and expecting her to put up with it, versus being a permanently unemployed waste of space with no desire to ever get a job. She's not asking for the moon on a stick, only asking for her partner to be in the relationship with her.

we never had an issue with intimacy or engaging with one another previously. Our weeknights would involve physical intimacy and time together - cooking, watching tv etc. Even when things initially got busier and the late nights became the norm I would stay awake just so we could have a chat over fizzy water in the kitchen together. We would use that time to be physically intimate. Weekends were always jam packed - we would go to live events, socialise with friends, meals out. Now they feel quite stilted and forced.

But I guess I have grown resentful that I have tried to find other ways to stay relevant in each others lives. And dh hasnt. More than once I have heard husband come to bed and I’ve pretended to sleep. I’m not even sure why. Previously I would have initiated physical touch (even just putting his arm across me) which may or may not have led to sex. I can’t just switch on my sex drive when I feel so distant to him. I WANT to be in a relationship where I just want to jump my husband’s bones. We’re still in the early stages of marriage ffs. But I feel rejected. I feel almost embarrassed to be forward in that way. So I just don’t.

There’s so many things we used to do which for some reason just doesn’t happen now. And I couldn’t tell you why. When I used to bring husband up his coffee he used to pull be back into bed and do this sort of fake I’m not letting you go thing. We have quite a few of those little things that neither of us feel inclined to do anymore. I’ve told husband what he can do to get me to “want” to do those things. But it’s just fallen on deaf ears. We went on a mini break 6 weeks ago and we were almost silent the entire car journey. That just wasn’t the norm before.

I’ve actually begged and pleaded with my husband to show me that he hadn’t checked out of our marriage. I’ve confronted him with the idea that he just doesn’t want this anymore. But he will apologise and assure me he is just busy. He will say all the right things in the moment. But that’s it. Poof. Nothing sticks.

I told him recently I don’t want to beg my own husband to show me he cares. He seemed to connect with that. And apologised I was feeling that way. But just like so much he overpromises and under delivers as soon as everyday life kicks in. Then it’s all “I’m busy/x happened today so I didn’t get a chance to look at my phone”.

Right now we can’t watch telly and order a takeaway. I accept that. But husband could give me a quick call. I’ve tried finding replacement ways to show husband he’s still the most important thing to me. He hasn’t. I’m asking for so little. I can’t understand why he won’t throw a crumb my way. Why make me feel so pathetic?

Obvioysly we need to make changes. I don’t want my marriage to fail. But I literally can’t do this without his cooperation

I knew it was going to be a longer post and just wanted to think about it.

not arranged or semi arranged.

Borae, you sound so desperately sad. How long are you willing to wait for change? And what if that change doesn’t come.

Right, and it's not working for OP so the solution is to leave, not force her partner to change his behaviour to make her happy.

Don’t think I’ve ever sent dh a text during the working day, unless he was home with ill dc and it would be to check up on them.

I compartmentalise and don’t even think about dh during my working day and doubt he thinks about me, too busy either working or with colleagues.

The problem seems to be you want something different from what he will naturally give and I am a great believer you can’t change who people naturally are, you don’t force things as that will leave one or both of you resentful, you take, respect and love them as you find them or move on if they don’t naturally give you what you need.