Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

Exactly - so a test - will he change ???

No

then OP can do with that, whatever she chooses !

BTW, my DH is a workaholic, but has structured his day to make time for me and the DC as we are important to him. He comes home for dinner together, spends some time with me, then goes back to his study to work a few more hours when I go to bed. Would that be an option for you or does he have to be present at his place of work?

It proves he isn’t up for changing
OP had to then manage the impact of that

So he comes home at/past midnight when you are asleep, and you are leaving the house early for your commute before he's awake. There is no point in the working week when the two of you are awake at the same time. You were asked earlier "How much time are you actually spending together at the moment?" and your response was "Only weekends. And he will often have his laptop out even then."

@Borae, what has he said about his working hours? Is this temporary or the new permanent?

Regardless, you are not in a marriage right now. At best, you are dating at the weekends and hot-bedding during the week. At worst, now he has installed you as his Domestic Appliance he no longer feels the needs to wear a mask. Reality will be somewhere in-between, but in-between two bad options is still not good.

You shouldn't be lonely in a marriage, but I would be in yours. It isn't sustainable.

Well he’s turned up,
so if I was that therapist I would go more on what this couple DOES
rather than what they say - especially him as she is driving the process

No, it proves he isn't up for changing in the way OP expects him to.

He's never been someone to leave her love notes or buy her cookies - if that's what she wants or needs from her partner, she should have picked someone else.

His love language is giving space.

Same difference -
in this context he isn’t engaging in taking responsibility for being the problem and making changes

im not saying he should !

You wouldn’t send him a heart for instance on a nice text? That doesn’t cost anything. I’m the least sloppy person around but could muster up a heart emoji if it made the text seem more emotionally connected. (I absolutely wouldn’t write lovey notes though).

Find someone not in a busy demanding job trying to run their own practise….. perhaps someone on the dole who will have a lot of time to be in contact with you during the day and make you feel special……….

Well he might end up getting a lot of space.

Dole?

Oh come off it, if you didn’t see your partner at all Monday-Friday you wouldn’t think to text them at all in the day or call them to catch up at all? Marriages do require work and for people to actually like talking to and spending time with each other. He’s not giving the OP that at all.

Plus the OP says she has a full time job, mentions going to the gym and going out to see friends. She has her own life. She’s not waiting at home for him everyday, she does her own thing and then goes home and goes to bed before he’s even home because he’s not there until after midnight.

I am wondering if all these endless hours working are involving someone else, and he quite literally cannot bring himself to show you any niceties now because it's all going elsewhere.

It's possible he's setting you up to be the bad guy by being the one to end it. He can even say he tried therapy, everything, not enough for her.

If so, be prepared for him to move on miraculously quickly.

But why is he automatically the problem when it's not his behaviour which has changed, it's their working hours?

OP says they've both changed hours/jobs and now don't see each other anywhere near as much. As a result, OP now wants him to increase his "acts of affection" as a way of proving he still cares for her - whereas he doesn't seem to understand why he needs to bother now when it was never needed before.

I honestly don't see why he needs to jump on OP's say-so. If I had a partner demanding I text them at work, leave them love notes and buy them cookies, I would pull even further away then run for the hills.

I wouldn't be married to someone I didn't see all week because that's not what a relationship means to me. Texts and calls when you're rushed off your feet working are not a substitute for actually seeing someone everyday.

Personally, I’d just leave. It might be a me problem but I can’t be arsed with messing about in unhappy relationships. It’s not working after such a short time, he’s making no effort.

Just the fact that you have to spell out the bare minimum you need from him would be enough to put me off regardless of whether he does any of it or not! I mean who wants to have to verbally tell someone that sort of thing?

Just stop doing things for him and tell him it’s not working and you want to split. I think he’s probably thinking ‘I don’t even have to anything and she’s still doing nice things for me, why should I need to change’.

He must have been different before you married him?

I’m agreeing with you !!
OP sees him as the problem
he doesn’t
stalemate

Maybe it's what he wants.

The more OP pushes, the more he pulls - it's very common.

Yep, but as OP is the one wanting him to change, she's the one who's going to end up hurt and disappointed.

Exactly - that’s on her
the only person we can truly control is ourselves - as it should be

Sometimes there’s no choice though. Me and my DH had to work opposite hours for a while due to no before/after school childcare being available for our SEN child. We made an effort to text or each other on our lunch breaks otherwise we wouldn’t have talked to each other all week. No one’s too busy to send a text on their lunch. And the OPs husband doesn’t even have to do that if he’s really too busy at work. Just a text in the morning before he’s left to say good morning, hope she has a good day, would show he at least thinks of her. She’s literally asking for the bare minimum effort and he can’t be arsed to do it. It is his responsibility to put some effort into the marriage.

Right - but in your scenario, you both want to text. Would you still feel loved and appreciated if he only texted you out of guilt, or because he felt forced? Connection has to be genuine. Nagging and guilting someone into doing certain things isn't going to make the situation any better.

Everyone keeps talking about how he "can't be arsed" to do X, Y or Z but maybe he just doesn't care about those things. He sees OP at weekends, they go on dates, they go out to events - maybe for him, that's enough. Everyone is different and has different needs and expectations.

If he's not meeting OP's expectations, it doesn't mean he doesn't care, it just means they're not well-matched and that she would be better off finding someone who can meet her needs without being co-erced into it.

I don't think turning up is any evidence of wanting to engage with the therapy process.

FFS all I said was OP hasn’t tried the one thing he has said he would like. Instead, she is acting like a 1950s perfect wifey and she;

• cook his favourite meals
• make turmeric and ginger shots
• iron the odd shirt
• bake him sweet treats/protein balls
• leave a post it on the bathroom mirror/fridge
• bring him coffee in the morning
• make sure he has stuff to have a nice and quick breakfast
• i share links to events I know he will like/book them
• I used to send racy-ish pics (no face). Not something I have done in a while
• buy his favourite beer/anything I know he will like
• i used to leave voice notes just saying I hope he has a good day etc - don’t do that either anymore. Feels awkward

and you’re accusing him of wanting a housekeeper sex doll ? She’s literally set herself up as one except by sending racy pics but not following through with the sex (does nobody ever make love anymore ?).

I think they both need to sit down and list the things they do they think shows they value/love each other and the things they’d like the other to do to show the same. What do they want in a spouse ?

Then they need to be honest about the things the other does and whether they are actually bothered about them.

He’s being a bit 1950s by carrying things and booking taxis which sound as if she’s capable of doing herself so they just need to explore what they would like from each other to feel valued/needed/cherished/loved.