Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

But the engagement is all about what SHE wants. It's all about him stepping up and doing what she wants, nothing about what he wants and what she should be doing for him.

No, it's showing that he's not willing to just blindly follow OP's requests to behave in a certain way. That's not love. It doesn't prove anything. It's just being obedient.

I do agree that the marriage is in trouble because of the mismatch of expectations but the answer to that is communication and compromise, not one person being forced to conform to the expectations of the other.

You sound absolutely wonderful any man would be lucky to have you.

if you don’t see each other during the week, asking for a text message or a small gesture is absolutely nothing. I do not understand why people are being so unkind. There’s no reason if he has a lunch break, he couldn’t pop out and get something. But hes agreed with a therapist for a text message. like someone else has said, even the president of the United States manages to keep a relationship with his wife.

If he came home ant 6pm and you both had dinner together it would be different. But if you do not see him on an evening, then yes he does need to make some effort to communicate during the day. Or buy you something on his lunch break and leave it out in the kitchen for you in the morning. A packet of biscuits that you like would do.

you are not being unreasonable at all to expect something back between Monday and Friday. You sound wonderful and kind, and I hope he changes for you.

That’s all a bit silly.

Divorce after a couple of years with no kids in the picture is pretty straightforward and inexpensive. They’d just part ways.

And there’s been no suggestion that he’s chosen OP because he’s domestically incompetent or sexist. The only issue is whether he should be engaging in performative gestures when working flat out. If you have to make stuff up to prove your point, you’re not winning the argument.

I wonder whether the therapist has even asked whether both of them want to be there.

@Borae If children is definitely something that you want in your life, then you need to take action. Not sure if this has been mentioned before, I have only read OPs posts).

You need to have a sit down conversation with him, I wonder if the therapist could help facilitate this. You both need to discuss how you would see a life with children, on a day-to-day basis. How would it work? How many hours would each of you work in your employment? How would you manage housework as a couple? Cooking? How much time woukd you each spend with the children?

To be absolutely honest, his work-life balance is not at all compatible with having children; if you think things are difficult now, then they will be a 1000 times more difficult with little ones factored in. If he can’t see a way that he can contain his work life, and get a better balance, and engage more in the relationship, then I am very sorry, but you should separate. In my view, as you are 31, you have enough time to throw the dice again…

Is it just the little gestures that are missing or do you feel like you just don't have a connection? I put unreasonable solely because it's maybe just not his style. I love my DH but I don't do anything like that and he doesn't for me. TBH if I was required to I would see it as just another thing to add to my to do list. It wouldn't be coming from a place of love. Sounds like you just need to spend more time together to reconnect. I think it's normal to go through these very busy periods with work and small children where you haven't got a ton of time for each other.

You have different love languages. It doesn’t mean that it’s doomed but it does mean you have things to work through and it will be a challenge with you both working so much, especially him. My husband isn’t naturally demonstrative (though he does sometimes buy flowers, he often cooks for me, will give me a shoulder rub that sort of thing), while I am, it just means working out a middle way. Is the sex good when you have sex? I think that can count for a lot. However it does sound like you’re very unhappy and things need to change. He sounds like one of those men who is buried in work who will wake up one day having lost you, and be surprised. I always think of the song Try a Little Tenderness - how many men could learn just from really listening to those lyrics.

even the president of the United States manages to keep a relationship with his wife.

😂

So you know better than couple therapist?

Then he should have brought it up in the sessions what he wanted from her. Sending one text a day from work is not that big of an ask.

If he hasn't got time for you now, kids & dogs won't make this better.

You are not his priority.

If you were, he'd make time for you.

It's not a big ask but it's also totally meaningless if it only happens under pressure.

Then he can say he does not want to do it and stop wasting time of his wife and therapist.

He is saying it by his non-action.

I am sorry but all this talk of texts and small things is not going to get a workaholic to change. When he is working he probably cannot think of anyting else. What I would be insisting on though is specific times in the week where we spend time together where we are both present and no one is working or using their laptop or phone at the same time. This is a much more concrete thing than 'can you connect more in the week'

It is reasonable to have at least one day, or part of one day each week where you spend quality time together doing things and actually being present with each other. Without that there is no relationship to speak of, especially if there is no real connection between those times, however small, .

Things will only get worse with children so you need to bank some connecting time to get you through the little baby years, where it really is hard to find time to connect . If he can't do this now, he never will and you have to face that

If he can't or won't do at least this, it tells you how much he values your relationship - ie not at all, and it may be time to move on if you can't accept this.

I have been there and i tried very hard, trying to understand his love language and his childhood, his past trauma while mine was completely sidelined.

My advise is cut your losses, he is not going to change. You are still young. What’s the fun of being married to someone coming home at midnight and here you have more challenges?

But he is saying it - through his actions.

All OP's posts are about her - her feelings, her expectations - there's nothing about her DH and what he wants or needs.

I agree and that’s why I suggest op should cut her losses and stop being gaslighted about love languages.

Because at the start they saw each other in the week. But now the OP has changed jobs, she doesn’t wfh and is now out of the house before he’s up and he’s not back until after she’s asleep. So they only see each other weekends and he doesn’t even text her in the week. It’s not been about emotion at that point, but surely just about checking in with your partner and having a conversation with them.

Do you speak at all in the week @Borae ? You said he doesn’t text you but does he reply if you text him?

I agree with everyone that his not even being able to do this one little thing is not a good sign. Going straight to divorcing him is a bit of a leap, but it would make me start thinking seriously about it.

If I've got the maths right, you're 4 days away from your next session. I'd be very interested on his take on it at that point and that would inform my next steps.

Will he do something in a rush on the last day (not good enough, quite insulting, but would show he at least understood the concept). Will he claim he did some things that you haven't even noticed (unlikely, as you've probably been hyper aware, but as PP have said, maybe he doesn't really notice the things you do because they don't mean anything to him). If neither of those, will be interesting to see his justification for doing nothing...

They don't have any small children. This is the honeymoon phase, I guess

Maybe he doesn't feel the need to check in with her because he knows she's always at home waiting for him, everyday?

One of the things that kills a relationship is your partner not having a life of their own.

Aw I can understand how undervalued you must feel. I honestly don’t understand the posters who are not seeing that you feel emotionally neglected and downplaying it because he ‘works hard’. That guy bringing his wife a takeaway knows how to husband, yours doesn’t appear to. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, you sound lovely, but unfortunately you just may not be right for each other or he’s needs a wake up call - I suggest going away for a week or two with a friend for a holiday without him, no communication on both sides. See how either of you feel at the end of it.