Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

But that’s life, isn’t it? And all the more reason to make the most of the time you do have together. That is what most hardworking couples do.

Instead she is adding to the stress they’re juggling when apart, and storing up perceived infractions which then has a negative impact on weekends.

Either OP has to start taking responsibility for her role in the downgrading of the time they spend together, or find someone who does have the time and the bandwidth to perform romantic gestures during working hours.

For what it’s worth, I think this stuff is so important to the OP that it will be the end of her marriage one way or the other. It is better for both parties to get out while they’re relatively young and can find happiness (and still have time to have kids) with someone genuinely compatible.

Sadly I think men like your husband know they arent meeting the standards necessary in a relationship, or at least not meeting your needs,..... which i have to say are perfectly normal needs and not demanding at all. I think men like that just push it as far as they can get away with it, all the time knowing they are inadequate in their responses and that eventually the marriage will end. He's the type who will have 2 or 3 marriages and never really show commitment to anyone fully. They are emotionally unavailable people. You dhould probsbly leave. He's absolutely not right for you. Meet a lovi ng man. You still have time. Have a happy life.

OP this is just a mismatch I'm sad to say. Also sad to read so many women who are mocking you for doing nice things for your DH and wanting literally anything back. The bar for men is in hell on here isn't it. My DH tells me he loves me several times a day, sends videos/pictures he thinks I will like, we have date nights, it's not bloody hard.

Sorry OP he's married to the job first and you second it sounds like. Therapy only works when people are willing to engage with it.

Could you start ball rolling by ringing him everyday and having a chat?

Myself and dh can be ships in rhe night as he works long days. I ring him everyday on the way to work. We have a natter about what happened the day before, make a plan for weekend.

If he didn't care then why would he agree to even go to the counselling?

None of us know how the real dynamic is between OP and her DH. We don't see them when they're together. We don't see them when they're at a social gathering together where OP doesn't know a lot of people, for example, so we can't see whether he's checking that OP is ok while he has ended up stuck in a corner with a couple of acquaintances talking at him for 20 minutes.

Or on a date where it's just the two of them - do they discuss their respective work situations and seek each other's opinions about dilemmas they have? Do they discuss future plans together eg dreams of travelling somewhere specific? Does DH mention to OP that he's seen that a new restaurant open up on the high street and that it looks like it would be OP's sort of thing, and does she want to try it? Does he remember that her family member hasn't been well and remember to ask how their hospital appointment went?

Does DH notice when OP seems sad or quiet and ask her if anything is wrong?

Is he loyal to her and stick up for her if he feels she's being treated unfairly by someone?

Did he look devastated when the idea of going to relationship counselling was broached? Was he sad at the thought that it could be a sign their relationship was going to end?

How is DH's parents' relatiionship? What was his previous relationship history? Does he find it hard to show emotion generally? Is he physically affectionate?

etc etc...

So much detail we aren't party to.

I admit to not reading every post but are people mocking the OP? Or are the majority explaining that what she’s desperately hoping for isn’t going to happen?

A few posters have enquired what her husband was like in terms of romance prior to getting married but the OP seems reluctant to answer that.

@Borae I do think this is a lot about love languages. I empathise as I had a similar situation in my marriage. We're now divorced after 20 years together.

I was very similar to you - I wanted my exDH to connect with me, make the little efforts and gestures that I did for him. We had therapy and nothing changed. I felt so invisible and unloved and our physical intimacy dwindled to zero.

I have done a lot of personal therapy and reflection since my divorce. What I have found out is that my exDH did not care at all about all the care and effort I put into the relationship. The little treats I bought him, baking his favourite cake, organising dates, sending him loving texts - it really didn't mean that much to him! I think he thought it was nice, but honestly not in the way I would have, had it been reciprocated!

And I have since found out that he felt neglected and unappreciated in our marriage as he had wanted to have more sex with me. That was his love language and how he felt loved. The problem was that over the years I didn't feel loved so I didn't feel like I wanted sex with him. He felt that he was showing me love by being the breadwinner in the relationship, and although I did appreciate that so much (and often told him), I also wanted more emotional intimacy and connection before I would feel like I wanted to have sex with him.

There were a lot of other problems and stress in our marriage which eventually led to us splitting up. But if the rest of your marriage is good and you want to stay together, I think you will either both have to really listen to the other one about what is important for them, and make an effort to do it, or you will both have to accept that the other ones way of showing and expressing love is different to your own, and be at peace with that.

It's not easy though!

Yes but OP’s husband willingly went into therapy in order to IMPROVE his connection with his wife. This is a joint project between the two of them. They both thought it was a good idea to figure out what works for them as a couple. Neither can stand pat and just say “ take it or leave it.”

My sister is a bit.like you. She has her own "rules" of how people should behave and is frequently disappointed

I think it's important to remember that our way isn't necessarily the right / only way. My husband doesn't do the stuff you're asking for, but shows up in so many other ways

Is your husband happy in the relationship? Perhaps these gestures aren't important to him. My husband would be baffled if I suggested he buy me flowers

It just all seems very one-sided - OP is expecting him to change and do XYZ because that's how she shows affection and she wants him to conform to that. That's not how a happy marriage works.

Or maybe a chance for him to miss you? In any case your notes and gestures don’t seem to be working so it’s time to try a different strategy.

I was long distance for a while and often felt like I was making more effort than him to stay connected. But I noticed that if I was really busy for a few days and couldn’t write or call then he would start reaching out to me more. It just took him longer to miss me. I’d usually want to talk every day, he took about 48 hours without contact to start needing me.

I know that sex and connection often feel different for men and women as well. Like, women need emotional connection to want sex and men find emotional connection through sex. A horrible oversimplification but I think there’s something in it, on average. You shouldn’t make yourself have sex if you don’t want to. Just be aware that romantic gestures without sex might feel to him like demands more than they feel like connection, somewhat similar to how sex without romance would feel meaningless to you.

People are calling her needy, childish, "Disneyfied" for just wanting a DH who is engaged in keeping a marriage healthy. If you think love notes are "cringe" and buying a nice biscuit "too much" well that's you isn't it. I don't think there's any need to make fun of OP. People have said she's controlling! For wanting to know that he does in fact love her!

If any of my mates had a DH like this I'd be concerned. On here people are like '"how dare you he is Big and Important". Nah fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I agree. The OP is very set on what is the "right" thing to do, and because her husband is not doing the texting, notes, random acts thing, he is "wrong" and needs to be educated or forced into changing.

She doesn't seem to be able to accept that she may be demanding something which is entirely unnatural for him and something he just feels is silly or unimportant.

It is not a healthy situation where one person is dictating how others behave. I do wonder what the conversation was which led them to make the therapy appointment, and who was driving that process.

My DH also got up every day at 5am for years, and often I was still asleep. If he had blown me a kiss and whispered that he loved me I proabably would have assumed he was having an affair, or going senile, as that would have just been out of character for him. It's just not him. He showed his love by trying to creep out as quietly as he could so as not to disturb me. Very very occasionally he'd draw a silly picture to make me laugh when I found it in the morning, but only in response to something specific, and never routinely.

Just goes to show that we are all very different in our relationships.

I'd divorce. Someone doesn't have to be a bastard for you to leave them. Incompatibility is enough of a reason. He wants a housemaid, cook, sex and someone to split the bills with. You want a relationship.

You are probably right. If she really wanted him see the point of meeting her emotional needs she should show him a spreadsheet of how much divorce in terms of lawyers fees and loss of domestic services is going to cost him and disupt his career. Not to mention the cost and inconvenience of getting a replacement. I imagine he might connect with that.

Exactly. If my DH started blowing me kisses and whispering at me at 5am I'd probably throw a pillow at him 😂

Or he would just think she was mildly insane and run screaming for the hills.

I feel sad for you because you were me once . I never got picked up from the train station or bus stop after work.I never got flowers.I didn't get hugs .I didn't get random texts to say he missed me etc.My ex husband was a provider to a degree, I also worked full-time and we both did a share of housework and gardening etc.It was a safe marriage for me but in the end I just didn't feel loved or desired because we had no sensual or romantic connection at all. I will admit I didn't do all the lovely baking, or leave him love notes. So maybe I was as unromantic too.I honestly think you may need to admit that your relationship is coming to and end, if you cannot resolve these difficulties.

Hes showing you how he feels please listen, hes showing you he wont do it because he doesnt want to and hes in control and thats the way its going to be, why are you with him and why would you ever consider children with him

That’s why the therapist has set him homework - test out his willingness to engage … and it is showing that he has none

Hey OP, I can see others have mentioned it but have a look at The Gottman Institutes 'bids for attention', there's also an article called 'She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink' that I think you should read, it's written by a man who is trying to explain to other men why small acts mean so much - I don't suggest you send it to your husband, but I think you would agree with so much the author says.

Your marriage sounds so lonely from what you've written. My partner is currently out of the house with work from 8am-11pm (sometimes later), he's tired, exhausted and we barely see each other. Because of his long hours I make him a packed lunch, always make sure he's got something to eat when he gets back and will pick up the odd thing he might need from the supermarket, like if he's about to run out of toothpaste etc, etc. That's my way of showing him I care.

During the day he'll message to ask how my day is, and will try and call if he gets a break - just to check in and ask how I am. He always give's me a kiss and cuddle before he leaves, and when he comes back home and thanks me for anything I've done for him. If we do speak it will literally be for no more than 5 minutes, and we'll maybe send 1-2 texts a day....again...all of the above isn't going to take 10 mins out of his day. The fact you can't even get your husband to send you a message is utterly ridiculous and makes me so angry on your behalf.

Now the above is very much the bare minimum. When my partner is off work (which is sometimes only 1 day a week right now), he always prioritises time with me, we're not flush right now so that's nothing fancy, it might be coffee and cake at my favourite place, a cinema date night, cooking me dinner (even though he hates cooking!).

A load of people on this thread seem to be stuck on 'he shouldn't be contacting you during work hours', but that isn't the point, the point is you want to feel an emotional connecting with your husband and he isn't giving you ANYTHING. I've been in those lonely relationships and it is soul destroying.

I'd love to finish this with some good news for you. And I do have some! The good news is that not all relationships are like this. The bad news is that personally (and I am a stranger on the internet), I don't think your husband is going to change, and that resentment you feel...trust me, it gets worse, and eats you up from inside.

You sound lovely though, and I hope that you get to experience the magic of someone loving you the way you need.

But she's really not happy. If he was doing all the things you list, she'd be happier, wouldnt she.

You are 31 and not having sex my god women leave him

We don't actually know that.