Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

But that's the whole point. Things change. The dog is a metaphor really. Jobs change from WFH to working long hours quite often and unexpectedly in life and that can have a profound effect on how you have your life set up. It isn't realistic to expect otherwise, and I was questioning whether OP just has a generally unrealtistic outlook in what is possible with what they have to deal with. Sometimes life is not perfect. You can't have the Disney version because it's not real life. Real life has ups and downs, sacrifices, compromises, the rough and the smooth.

But if he doesn't connect "emotion" with cookies, turmeric shots, notes and texts, he's never going to see the point in doing them - whether he cares or not - that's the point.

There's no indication in her posts that he doesn't care, just that he won't do the things that she's decided she needs from him. But he never did them at the beginning - so why would he start now?

This.

See a solicitor, and start making plans for the rest of your life.

He thinks he's too important to pay attention to what a mere therapist has told him to do. He thinks his career demands are too important to pay attention to your needs.

This is a question of priorities, not time. It takes so little time to whip out your phone and send a heart emoji to your wife during the day. He could even take a few minutes and schedule love notes.

OP, some of the comments are coming from posters who clearly have no idea how dreadful it is to be in a deeply lonely marriage. I myself would never have believed how awful it could be if I hadn't experienced it from the inside. I would go so far as it say that it's psychologically damaging. Try to ignore some of the less than helpful comments. They don't know how it feels.

What would be kinder to you though, is to lower any expectations of reciprocity.

What was he like before you married?

I can totally understand you not wanting to stop doing the things you do for him I think you have to face the message he’s giving you loud and clear here though.

You’re upset, you’ve told him why, you’ve told him how to make you feel better, he’s agreed to do it but has done nothing.

He is giving you a message loud and clear. It’s what you want to do with that information that is important now

But the answer to loneliness is not to force your partner to conform to your specific expectations - it's to leave and find someone who can.

This is premised on a mischaracterisation though.

The issue is that OP thinks he doesn’t care about her enough because he’s not texting her or performing other “love” tasks specifically during work hours and during the working week when he’s working until midnight.

That’s the question. If someone fails to do this stuff when they’re working flat out, is it right to conclude that “he genuinely doesn’t care about her”?

I think not; there are many many people on this thread with successful marriages who care about their partners, but would not be sticking post-it notes on mirrors and leaving soppy voice notes when they’re flat out at work. That is not the definition of caring or a prerequisite for a good relationship.

The OP has not moved an inch in response to the many many posts saying that what she’s demanding from her DH (again, specifically during work hours and during the working week when he’s working until midnight) isn’t the norm.

She continues to present it from a completely inflexible perspective and appears to be backed by a therapist who is validating her (unusual) world view but not really engaging with the husband. Posts like yours which ignore the context and the nuance, and conclude that “there is no bar” and “he doesn’t care about her at all” are encouraging OP to entrench herself and narrow her perspective even further.

If she wants to save her marriage that is not the way to go.

You don't want to be married to him as he really is.

You want an idealized him that gives you all those little gestures you think prove love. You're trying to control his behaviour and change him into the husband you want him to be. You can't do that.

He may love you now but you demanding he change and send notes and stuff as another job to tend to you as you want when he's on his real job is likely going to drive you apart. There's a point he'll have to choose between his career, which is hard work, and you, and you're hard work and intrusive on his working time.

I spent years in a deeply unhappy marriage. I think I'd be questioning the point of this therapy and how it's being handled.

Agree.

This isn't about just gestures. This is about an entire marital landscape that's bleak and devoid of all connection.

I totally agree. But obviously OP wants to try everything first. She's in the stage of making bids for connection - I think the Gottmans have something about this. It's desperately sad that he will not respond to those bids for connection.

Apart from the time they are together in person when he sounds lovely albeit that the OP is ruining this time together with her fixation on performative gestures.

Beautifully put.

@Borae

Just out of curiosity and sorry if you've said, but has any of this counseling touched on what HE considers as his love language and/or what he would value from you as gestures to show you value him? Or what gestures he feels he does make according to his love language (even if it's not yours).

My BiL's love language is 'providing'. He showed his love by providing his family with a wealthy life style through his hard work. Luckily that's my sister's 'love language', too. She 'provided' by keeping a spotless house, enabling his career, and being a perfect 'hostess'. (Yes, very 1950s, but it worked for them).

But he works very long hours, often till midnight, so they are not together much at all.

The problem is that the more you push someone into doing something, the more they're liable to pull away from you. I can feel the pressure coming through OP's posts and I don't even know her!

You are setting him up to fail every night.
This is just not who he is (or what he has time for). It’s not his fault, or yours. You require a lot of attention and have a particular and slightly disneyfied viewpoint on what is necessary to make a marriage work. He doesn’t share that world view.

I totally agree with this. And you are not "right" and he is not "wrong". You have the idea that a successful marriage means heart shaped mugs and special notes and texting constantly and he has the idea that a successful marriage means working hard and being financially stable.

You are both taking these ideas to extremes in your own ways. It is entirely unreasonable for you to start demanding that he leaves you notes or leaves wee gifts or whatever because that is just not him. It's not that he's actively deciding to disrespect you, or has checked out of the marriage, it's that it just does not occur to him to do any of that. You can have a successful marriage without the disney gestures.

Rather than focusing on the nonsense about jam, heart shaped mugs and texting a certain number of times a day, it would make more sense for the therapist to focus on the fact you're just not spending time together.

Christ the bar for our lovers is so, so, so low.

I am right now next to my dh of 30 years together. He has never stopped showering me with affection—or I him. For years he got up at five for work and was out the door before I woke up. Without fail he would turn from the door as he went out and blow me a kiss and whisper that he loved me. Sometimes I’d be asleep but sometimes I was awake enough to hear it.

We were both plenty busy. Lots of ups and downs. Its not some absurd sentimental silly female fantasy. Only connect is good advice if you want a long and fruitful marriage.

The solution to that is not love notes on the mirror or turmeric shots, though.

Not as upsetting as if you had children with this man

You want different things. Go your own way.

So if a partner says ‘you need to do this to make me feel better’ it has to be done?

But not everyone shows their affection in the same way.

DH never tells me he loves me when he leaves for work, but he shows me in so many other ways.

OP, can you say what your husband was like during your relationship before you married? Was he romantic?