Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

OP, several people have asked how long were you together before marrying, and in which ways did your husband previously show his love and appreciation ( because he must have done or you wouldn't have married him), and when did he stop doing so.

These are important questions, for example, if you married him after a year of knowing him you can't have actually really known him well, compared to,say, being together for 10 years prior to marriage.

I agree, it’s absolutely pointless and soul destroying hoping someone will make a gesture when even if they did, it would be completely null due to its insincerity.

OP, a forced text message from your husband isn't going to make you feel better or cure the issues you have in your marriage.

He is who he is. He's not bothered by love notes, cookies, ironed shirts or texts - so either stop doing them, or at least admit you're doing them to make yourself feel good, and not for his benefit.

I think the more you try and push him to do what you want, the more he's going to pull away. Love isn't forcing someone to comply with your wishes just because you've decided that's the only way he can show he cares.

If showing your partner you care about them is a "pressure" and that any show of affection is "insincere", probably time to call it a day I think.

And why is meeting is emotional needs not to feel pressured more important than her need to feel appreciated?

Personally I think part of the marriage covenant is that you try to meet each other's emotional and sexual needs. He wants a marriage where he provides the cash and you meet his emotional and sexual needs. But that doesn't work for you.

In a good marriage -even after 25 years and two kids - there would be love and care. But a good marriage also takes two people comfortable in their own skins and work - obviously one can't tell much for a few anonymous posts but you seem focused on gestures (even if he is only going through the motions) rather than what lies beneath. I second the suggestion of PP who have suggested you get some therapy for yourself. It might be that you need the gestures, it might also be that it is difficult to make you feel loved and cared for because you have some insecurities and vulnerabilities that need to be addressed. In all honesty, such gestures would mean little to me if my partner was otherwise thoughtful, and attentive, and factored me in their thinking and decisions.

If showing your partner you care about them is a "pressure" and that any show of affection is "insincere", probably time to call it a day I think.

But why is OP's way of showing "care" automatically the right way?

I don't text DH when I'm at work because I'm...working. He's not my priority then, my business is. The only time we communicate at work is if one of us if finishing earlier or later than expected, so we can arrange to collect the dog from FIL.

If he did start texting, it wouldn't be genuine or sincere. It would be because he felt he had no choice. It's hardly romantic or affectionate, is it?

She's not prescriptive. She's prepared to accept any tiny slither he can offer.

His choosing to not leave notes is showing you what he thinks of you, it’s just not the message you want to receive

She absolutely does NOT sound like someone who is young and needy. She sounds like someone who is very lonely in her marriage and is desperately trying to connect with her husband. If you have never known what it is to be in a lonely marriage, you won't understand.

Definitely do not contemplate a dog, much less children.
You do a lot for him to make him feel cared for.
Be wary of being in a holding position for years, wasting your fertility.

Funny l was talking to DH other day about how easy it is to get in touch/reach out to someone in a nano second but that fact in itself makes the silence so much more hurtful. My granddaughters terrible for this, both in their 20s and it really hurts, l know l have been a good grandmother to her and have done so much for her recently especially dealing with solicitors etc on her behalf and it is so consuming and add frustrating when l am getting no feedback from her . She is regularly on SM to her friends so l know she is ok but l feel like a stalker just keep sending her updates etc and then even leave it for a month or even two months before l send another message. Do it's not like lm bombarding her but even after giving her that long she still won't answer.
Giving up on the legal case isn't an option as it affects others and there is no one else l can ask to speak to her.

But isn't it just the case that his working hours mean he CAN'T pick you up from the station with a takeaway? The more you post the more it sounds like you just don't want to be married to a man who works such long hours. That's your right, of course. You want a husband with a job which allows for the kind of time, attention and activities you want in a relationship. If he can't change that and you're not willing to just accept the limitations that living like that brings, then it sounds like the marriage is doomed. You'll just end up resenting him more and more and getting more and more jealous of people whose lives don't look like yours.

Maybe he'd be happier with a wife who accepts the limitations and sacrifices that that sort of working pattern brings, and who makes a life for herself outside of it so that she isn't looking to him to provide all her emotional fulfilment? Because she loves him, he loves her, and that's just the way the job works and there's not a huge amount that you can do to change that. So you're either in, or out.

One thing I'd ask yourself, though. A few people have mentioned that you seem to have a romanticised outlook on life. Some have asked if you if you grew up watching Disney films etc. Are you sure you're not looking for an unrealistic idealised version of life that simply isn't compatible with your actual set up?

I only ask because you mentioned getting a dog. SO many people went down this route during COVID, saw the cute photos on FB, thought it would bring some joy during a worrying and weird time. They wanted the Disney version of dog ownership. But they were being totally unrealistic. The reality is being woken at 5am, big vets bills, picking up shit, out in the freezing wind and rain every day, waking up to dog vomit or chewed skirting boards, being restricted when you want to go out for the day as a family, or on holiday without the dog. etc etc etc. And clearly, from what you post, it's totally unrealistic to think it's a great idea for you to get a dog. Your set up isn't built for one, you can't offer the time or attention. You're wanting the idea of one, but it's not compatible with your set up, IYSWIM?

So is it that you want the idea of the husband who is there for you more? Because, realistically, it's not compatible with your set up.

But the point is it wouldn't be genuine, so why bother?

@Borae A large part of this is ingrained by society/culture. I would not be overly expressive with affection towards a woman as it would normally be considered 'creepy.'

If you're someone who appreciates affection, then it will take time for husband to unlearn something that's been drilled into him by society.

The bar is officially non fucking existent.

If he doesn't genuinely care about her maybe he should have given that a bit more thought before he married her or at least have the honesty to tell her.

No.

But their wives and partners' expectations need to be realistic.

You can't work health care and switch off from your job because your partner wants thoughtful little gestures. There's someone waiting to be sewn up, test results coming in constantly and some with critical values that need to be dealt with them, and the list is endless. The pace is relentless.

You see 40+ patients in 8 hours and maybe get lunch and have to send on scripts and deal with a multitude of issues and see how you feel having to stop to send a "love note" because your spouse doesn't get you're working and can't stop.

So because he won't conform to her expectations of romance, he doesn't care?

Cut your losses. You can't clap with one hand.

He's wearing you down to see how much indifference you'll accept so he can go on with his career while someone else cooks for him and does his laundry.

He’s just a bog-standard workaholic OP. There are lots of women on Mumsnet who have suffered through marriages like these. Adding children to the mix would be a disaster.

If I were you, I would start a new thread in Relationships asking for advice on being married to a workaholic, but my experience is that it rarely improves.

This isn't romance. This is her emotional needs. She doesn't specifically need a note, that was just what was agreed / suggested at counselling. She just wants some tiny indication of any type that he cares about her and appreciates her.

OP, having read your updates, it sounds as if you're desperately starved of connection in your marriage. It's concerning that he won't listen to your unhappiness. I was married to someone like this and it never changed, in fact it got worse. You are so unhappy that I do wonder if this is the right marriage for you. Think about it.

I have been where you are, and I sympathise deeply. When your marriage is in name only, it feels like being in this depressing, bleak, grey vacuum. You can't have any romance or connection with your spouse, but since you're married, there's no possibilty or chance of ever having it with anyone else, either. It's an intensely lonely place to be, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My experience is that people like this don't change, and like yours, my husband dismissed me. He turned out to be pretty sexist, and I think dismissing your female partner's complaints is a good indicator of buried sexism.

I stayed far longer than I should have. What I learnt is that you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. I don't normally advocate for divorce, but sometimes it's better than wasting more of your youth on someone who is completely pigheaded.

I agree.

I don’t want to stop showing him I care. I feel like that would be the final nail in the coffin.

Interestingly, the famous divorce lawyer James Sexton advocates for these bids of connection throughout the day, including leaving notes for each other. And he's seen a thing or two about marriage.