Page 12 | Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/11/2025 15:37

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 15/11/2025 15:36

It doesn’t need to be soppy. Last week I had a biscuit on my commute that was out of this world. I went back the next day to buy one for DH so he could try it

That's soppy! It's over the top and makes me cringe.

Buying someone a biscuit to try is not soppy, don’t be silly

newbluesofa · 15/11/2025 15:39

Borae · 15/11/2025 14:39

If you didn’t see your wife or husband during the work week, how would you find ways to connect when you are two ships in the night? I’m getting stick for what I do as annoying but I’m very open to suggestions.

People have ran with the soppy note thing but it’s only one way I try to show him I love him and he means something to me. I will:

cook his favourite meals
make turmeric and ginger shots
iron the odd shirt
bake him sweet treats/protein balls
leave a post it on the bathroom mirror/fridge
bring him coffee in the morning
make sure he has stuff to have a nice and quick breakfast
i share links to events I know he will like/book them
I used to send racy-ish pics (no face). Not something I have done in a while
buy his favourite beer/anything I know he will like
i used to leave voice notes just saying I hope he has a good day etc - don’t do that either anymore. Feels awkward

I don't really get anything in return. Im not a mushy person at all. I just am trying to have a connection with my husband.

Out marriage is clearly not doing well right now. And I’m basically just pleading with dh to engage. I want to be married to him. I don’t want a divorce. But this is getting absurd.

Edited

So it's been at least 10 days since he did anything to show you he's thinking of you??

I find all the replies along the lines of 'well I don't think of my husband at all when I'm busy at work/I think it's very immature to leave notes' completely irrelevant. It's the kind of thing you want, so you need a partner who feels the same.

My husband and I have been together for 17 years, and we still do things like this, even though we both WFH and see each other all the time! Eg. I might leave a post it on a snack he's going to eat. He'll then add a heart to the post it and move it somewhere I'll see it. We text constantly, I couldn't even tell you what about. A lot of women on this thread will say that sounds awful, which is fine, they have different preferences and they've found a partner that works for them.

Ultimately if you want to feel like you're on his mind and find ways to connect when you basically don't see each other that week, if that's important to you then it would be important to a good partner as well. If it's not important to him then it shows he thinks very differently about the relationship that you do and that's a problem.

The thing is, maybe he does a couple of things but if it's not coming from a genuine place and it's just forced then it's not solving the deeper issue. It sounds like you're finding you're not compatible and that's what needs to be explored in the therapy. Good luck

Original poster

Borae · 15/11/2025 15:40

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/11/2025 15:07

This rings alarm bells. Why on earth would you think it's a good idea to bring a dog into a household where both of you are out of the house so much?

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The dog was only on the cards when things were more balanced. I would never neglect a dog.

OP posts:

Halfagum · 15/11/2025 15:40

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CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/11/2025 15:42

WhatAKnob47 · 15/11/2025 14:51

You've told him what you need/ want. He's choosing not to give you that for whatever reason. Now, you need to decide if your prepared with someone who chooses not to meet your needs once you've expressed them.

I certainly wouldn't add kids to this equation. You will have to sacrifice everything and raise children alone while he works and ignores your needs. At least at the moment you have a job, income, independence and pension.

Ignore people saying your needy. We all have needs and wants. In the grap scheme of things a text thiningbif you a few times a week is very low effort. Your H must get breaks, he must eat, use the loo, have journey time. He can take 10 seconds to rest you. He chooses not to.

My Dh worked ridiculous hours for many years in a really stressful job. No, he didn't really get breaks other than to use the toilet, didn't eat lunch. Drove to and from work so no train commute to be able to text me on. There are jobs like that. Sometimes if he went to the toilet I'd get a "mad day, X has happened, looks like I'll be working till the early hours, won't be in for tea, hope you're ok" text. His job was such that even on the toilet he'd probably be tryign to answer his work texts. But he had very irregular hours so his routine was different every day, hence the need for texts. If it was a set routine I don't think I would have expected a text from him as I would know when to expect him home.

OP, when you go on holiday together, what is it like? Do you reconnect then? When you have all that free time and you're both together?

Halfagum · 15/11/2025 15:42

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ilovesooty · 15/11/2025 15:42

Rewis · 15/11/2025 15:32

I don't think it matters what we think about notes or treats or ironing etc.
If you're in therapy with your wife. You have discussed her needs. You have agreed on the homework. Even if he thinks sending text is ridiculous, you do it for your wife.

We still don't know if he wants to be there.

runningonberocca · 15/11/2025 15:44

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 15/11/2025 15:10

I don’t know why you feel like a flatmate, because he wouldn’t do these things for a flatmate. These are his ways of showing he cares. I am naturally not the type of person to show my love by messages/texts/gifts etc either. If I was given this as some sort of homework it would annoy me.

It seems like the problem actually is that you aren’t spending enough time together. Your current schedules aren’t working. How long are you expecting to be living together without seeing each other during the week? I think you need to work toward changing this or agree an amount of time to live like this before making a change. It doesn’t seem sustainable. It would be incredibly unsustainable with a baby. You need to revisit a discussion about your long term plans regarding work and family and agree timeframes/goals etc. This texting thing seems a red herring.

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Of course he would do these things for a flat mate. I’ve often had a neighbour or a random stranger offer to help with heavy bags.

WhatAKnob47 · 15/11/2025 15:44

Borae · 15/11/2025 15:30

Every night this week I went home and thought maybe he’s done x/y/z. This will be the night where he shows me our marriage matters to him. And every night I’ve been crushed. I’ve got such low standards. Im begging for any little crumb. I’ve spelled it out him. And I’m still disappointed. I’m so ashamed that when I hear a friends husband/boyfriend has done something g nice for them I’m no longer happy for them. I’m so jealous and resentful. I hate feeling like that. A friend I commute with had her husband pick her up from the st with an Indian takeaway. And I honestly felt so sad. I could’ve cried. I hate feeling so jealous.

Edited

I told my husband that i felt unappreciated and unseen. He suggested that we write one thing we appreciate about the other in a notebook every day. He did it for a few days and then didn't bother anymore. He couldn't even write something nice about me every day in a notebook next to the bed. I throw it in the bin after 7 days of missed entries. I'd written mine. It was heartbreaking. The thing is I've invested 15 years and have 2 kids. In your position I'd run in the opposite direction. You'll only get more invested and more intangible.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/11/2025 15:45

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What’s the point in trying to imply she was willing to neglect a dog that doesn’t exist? Her husband used to work from home and had more time so they thought about getting a dog in the future, then things changed and he’s not at home and the relationship is dead so they’re not thinking of getting a dog. Where on earth in that were they planning to neglect a dog?

Halfagum · 15/11/2025 15:45

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WhatAKnob47 · 15/11/2025 15:49

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We function well in the mundane.

Halfagum · 15/11/2025 15:50

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Bepo77 · 15/11/2025 15:51

This is so sad. And you say you're at a very busy stage of life yet don't even have kids yet. Run, while you're commitment free! This isn't worth it.

Original poster

Borae · 15/11/2025 15:51

I feel totally unloved and uncared for. Sure you might feel like that after a couple of kids and 25 years of marriage. I just can’t even contemplate lowering my expectations even further. I already feel rejected. I explicitly told my husband a text from you during the day would mean SO much. And I wasn’t even worth that.

OP posts:

Daygloboo · 15/11/2025 15:52

Borae · 15/11/2025 12:19

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

Leave. Its hopeless. I was with domeone like that. I stayed 10 years but nothing ever changed.

TorroFerney · 15/11/2025 15:52

Borae · 15/11/2025 13:13

Obviously right now due to husband’s working hours we can’t physically connect face to face during the week. But he could show me he cares in other ways. But he just doesn’t choose to do that. I don’t know why he can’t just go through the motions

No really that’s so wring, accepting someone just going through the motions.

Halfagum · 15/11/2025 15:53

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Mummysof · 15/11/2025 15:53

All of this is too much.

if he wanted to he would.

i would feel awkward if someone was forcing me to text them and id also get a bit bored of walking in to a heart shaped mug and a biscuit.

i would just stop the soppiness and explore it in different angles. Suggest a date night at your favourite place to eat where you can put effort into getting ready what you wear etc. my love language is buying people their favourite things… my ex I used to buy his teams football top every year- the reason his wardrobe is now full of them is me. I buy my friend/daughters dance teacher a drink once every 4 weeks to show appreciation. I buy my mum her favourite wine every couple weeks. It isn’t consistent but it’s a thing that comes every now and then and I think that’s when it’s valued and appreciated more because if it was done all the time it would be expected

KatyaKat · 15/11/2025 15:54

I would leave. It won't change, or if it does, it's unlikely to last. If you don't, you'll find yourself having the same conversation repeatedly.

SleafordSods · 15/11/2025 15:55

Borae · 15/11/2025 15:51

I feel totally unloved and uncared for. Sure you might feel like that after a couple of kids and 25 years of marriage. I just can’t even contemplate lowering my expectations even further. I already feel rejected. I explicitly told my husband a text from you during the day would mean SO much. And I wasn’t even worth that.

Do think about arranging some counselling on your own. It will should help you come to a decision.

I know you’ve invested so much and you’re friends are having babies but it just doesn’t sound as though this is going to work out for you eith the H you have now unless you’ve missed out something quite vital in your posts like his plan is on selling the business in a couple of years for a huge sum?

MikeRafone · 15/11/2025 15:56

We’re housemates.

yeah and who wants to have sex with their housemate...

allthingsinmoderation · 15/11/2025 15:57

People are different in their needs and expectations.
Do you think your husband loves you? Or are you unsure and looking for these things you think prove he does?
I know my husband loves me,i wouldn't dream of asking him to connect with me during the working week ,we are both busy in demanding jobs and focussed on work. If your husband said during the working week i'm focussed on work for our future and cant do the notes,texts etc,it just not me, would it be a deal breaker for you? It seems you've told him what you need and hes not been able to do it.
When you are together are you happy ?does he show you he loves you in his own way?
Bottom line is only you can decide if he's enough as he is or if the things you need are a deal breaker for you.

BlissfullyBlue · 15/11/2025 15:57

Borae · 15/11/2025 15:51

I feel totally unloved and uncared for. Sure you might feel like that after a couple of kids and 25 years of marriage. I just can’t even contemplate lowering my expectations even further. I already feel rejected. I explicitly told my husband a text from you during the day would mean SO much. And I wasn’t even worth that.

Maybe he wants less pressure from you and not to be forced to make insincere gestures?

I am not sure your therapist is doing a good job here. This whole thing seems to be entirely about your wants and needs rather than finding a solution which works for the two of you.

NannyOggsScones · 15/11/2025 15:59

Fundamentally you aren’t happy and that’s not good when you have only been married for a short time. Why did he agree to go to therapy? The fact he’s engaged in attending even if you feel he isn’t doing the homework implies he also thinks somethings wrong. I’ve been married for over 25 years and never even considered couples therapy - our marriage is good but there have been times I could have cheerfully put DH under the patio. What would happen if you just said “I’m really unhappy” rather than fixating on him needing to acknowledge your little thoughtful acts?