Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

This rings alarm bells. Why on earth would you think it's a good idea to bring a dog into a household where both of you are out of the house so much?

Cool.

If I was working hard and taking time to go to therapy I’d be annoyed being given homework.

I don’t know why you feel like a flatmate, because he wouldn’t do these things for a flatmate. These are his ways of showing he cares. I am naturally not the type of person to show my love by messages/texts/gifts etc either. If I was given this as some sort of homework it would annoy me.

It seems like the problem actually is that you aren’t spending enough time together. Your current schedules aren’t working. How long are you expecting to be living together without seeing each other during the week? I think you need to work toward changing this or agree an amount of time to live like this before making a change. It doesn’t seem sustainable. It would be incredibly unsustainable with a baby. You need to revisit a discussion about your long term plans regarding work and family and agree timeframes/goals etc. This texting thing seems a red herring.

It's 2 years.

Doesn't sound like you've got any kids.

Leave him.

He.isnt going to change.

And you're just wasting your time.

Find someone who treats you better and build a life with them.

Sounds to me like you are a lovely wife and he’s not appreciating just what a gem he has.

Stop trying to make him something he’s not. He's not looking for intimacy or a best friend. He’s looking for a housekeeper, occasional dinner/travel companion and sex partner.

Soon enough, you’ll be on mat leave absolutely exhausted and raising your child/ren effectively alone. Then you’ll be financially dependent on him too.

If you want to stay in a relationship with this man, get what you need elsewhere. Find intimacy and affection from your friends and family. Use the financial security he offers (if he offers it) to pursue things that matter to you.

Since he treats you like an employee rather than an equal, you should negotiate the terms of motherhood before getting pregnant. Will you have childcare? When? Will he support you financially while you are off work? How much? Will you go back to work? What role will your family have? What about his family?

Assume he won’t lift a finger to help with his own child, will expect you to continue housekeeping as you have been doing, and will continue to provide zero emotional support as you go through the hardest time of your life. Put money aside for yourself while you can, so you have options.

Personally I wouldn’t be interested in a relationship like this, but that is your decision. But you should open your eyes before you bring a child into this.

It would be a hundred times worse if you had kids.

Imagine doing it all by yourself?????

If you seriously want kids. You need to ditch him and think about starting again. You have got time.

You're just sowing problems if you decide to settle and have a family with him.

A marriage doesn’t get fixed in an hour a fortnight!

OP, there is too much distance between what you need, and what he’s offering. Especially with you wanting kids, you need to leave. You won’t see him, he won’t change and you’ll be doing the same but with no sleep, all the wifework and unhappy kids.

Leave quickly so you have time to meet someone else and have a family.

💯

My OH used to have a very full on job and frequently worked overseas. I used to get very upset because although he would call and email it wasn't as frequent as I would have liked. I used to think FFS, he could send flowers, interflora must be international. I once sent him a playlist for his birthday, didn't even mention it. My strategy was twofold. Firstly I made myself care less. I gave up on expecting anything whilst he was at work. When we discussed it he genuinely couldn't see an issue. So I settled for the rather lovely lifestyle I had because of his insane work schedule. Secondly I laid it down really clearly what I expected when he wasn't working. Mainly we decided to go on holiday more. No work, absolutely no distractions so we could reconnect. However if you find after really clear communication your husband can't or won't give you what you need you need to decide whether this relationship is for you.

No, just someone who believes couples should be nice to each other. I’m not romantic or huggy or anything and wouldn’t write love notes but sweet, small gestures can be nice.

Does he want or ask you to do any of those things, or are they things you actually want him to do for you?

Do you think that consultants should stay single then and never become a parent? Be realistic.

I don’t do any of this, and neither do most people I know. Or certainly not in a performative way which requires reciprocation - yes I’ll buy DH his favourite beer or cook things he likes (and vice versa) but that’s all part of keeping things ticking over generally and I would never frame it as a demonstration of love which requires reciprocation. That fees manipulative.

What actually matters is how couples make the most of the time they do have together. If we don’t see each other for a few days because of work, that’s just the way it is (and the way life is for lots of hardworking couples).

When we’re busy, we are in it together and support each other. We don’t add to the burden by expecting extra stuff in the bits in between and sulking during the little time we do have.

When we do see each other, we’re very tactile and appreciative. We’ll hug, cuddle up together, have sex, tell each other we love each other, compliment each other, have great conversations, make each other laugh, download our anxieties, cook together, go for walks together, etc etc. If you have a meaningful connection like this, then pissing about with post it notes and texts is unnecessary.

I do think you’re unreasonable asking for more when he’s so busy. I genuinely think that you need to find someone with a less demanding job or a more relaxed work ethic. Most people who are as busy as he is would not be able to cope with the constant additional pressure of performing for their partner while juggling everything else.

As a woman in my 50s , in a relationship for nearly 20 yrs - I don’t think I’ve been brainwashed by ideas if romance. I do however expect respect, affection and thoughtfulness from my DP - however he chooses to show that. The idea that people are telling a young woman in the early stages of her marriage to just put up with the total disregard and lack of any meaningful connection and give the poor man some sex - sure isnt he working very hard - is so regressed and misogynistic.

Agreed. It’s the equivalent of giving him a Christmas present she would really like for herself.

“Here’s your diamond earrings, nail polish and a home made turmeric shot darling. I love those so I know you would too. Now, where’s my present?”

Every night this week I went home and thought maybe he’s done x/y/z. This will be the night where he shows me our marriage matters to him. And every night I’ve been crushed. I’ve got such low standards. Im begging for any little crumb. I’ve spelled it out him. And I’m still disappointed. I’m so ashamed that when I hear a friends husband/boyfriend has done something g nice for them I’m no longer happy for them. I’m so jealous and resentful. I hate feeling like that. A friend I commute with had her husband pick her up from the st with an Indian takeaway. And I honestly felt so sad. I could’ve cried. I hate feeling so jealous.

He does the above but you'd rather he texts you because he's been 'explicitly' told to by a counsellor .

I'd change the counsellor rather than the husband.

@Borae during the week it sounds like you’d have more of an emotional connection with a tree in the garden than with your husband! I would start considering if divorce would be better than this awkwardness. I know you want a family, but this man doesn’t sound like he would be an involved, caring father. He will also be a rubbish dog owner. Don’t waste much more time trying to save a marriage that clearly isn’t working.

I don't think it matters what we think about notes or treats or ironing etc.
If you're in therapy with your wife. You have discussed her needs. You have agreed on the homework. Even if he thinks sending text is ridiculous, you do it for your wife.

You are setting him up to fail every night.

This is just not who he is (or what he has time for). It’s not his fault, or yours. You require a lot of attention and have a particular and slightly disneyfied viewpoint on what is necessary to make a marriage work. He doesn’t share that world view.

You can’t force this. You need to recognise your incompatibility, part friends, and move on to find someone who has much more spare time on his hands.

How many days into the 10 days did you start asking him/reminding him about his homework? Maybe the prompting/reminding isn’t helping

It doesn’t need to be soppy. Last week I had a biscuit on my commute that was out of this world. I went back the next day to buy one for DH so he could try it

That's soppy! It's over the top and makes me cringe.