Page 8 | To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

Hungryhippos123 · 2025-11-15T10:05:41+00:00

We are meeting in Spain in May half term- me and my kids, a friend who lives in spain with her two kids and a friend from KSA who has 2 kids (just mums and kids- all age 5-10 and get on well!). Our friend from KSA has just told us she plans to bring her nanny/maid with her. Shes a lovely Filipino lady (I have never met her but friend raves about her) as friend wants help with the kids. I find it really uncomfortable and dont know why or if I should say no. I get that help is nice but we will all be there and her kids arent naughty or anything just normal kids! She said her nanny can help with all the kids and cook etc which I know is her norm but I find really uncomfortable. The whole dynamic will feel different and I will feel bad that the nanny will be sleeping in an office room on a blow up bed (again friend said would be fine). AIBU? Should I just enjoy the extra help or would it bother you?

bumptybum · 15/11/2025 13:28

usedtobeaylis · 15/11/2025 12:59

Did you expect her to look after everyone else's children and make her sleep on a blow up bed? If not, what are you disagreeing with?

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No one is forcing the OP to leave her dc with the nanny. In fact she mustn’t as she has concerns about it. Just patent your dc on holiday as you always would and

bumptybum · 15/11/2025 13:29

Poodleville · 15/11/2025 13:09

I'd be very uncomfortable with it.
Practically,how is she supposed to look after just 2 of the kids when there's a gaggle of them? If she's supervising and sees one of the other kids doing something dangerous, or there is a squabble, of course she will end up stepping in. Is she going to cook separately for your friends 2 kids?

I'd maybe ask how your friend sees it working - just ask "how will it work?"

The flipside is, if your friend doesn't bring her, will she lose a week's pay? Nanny probably wouldn't thank you for that! And would be tricky to interrogate your friend about her terms of employment.

Maybe start with "how would it work?" and explain you wouldn't feel comfortable if nanny ends up caring for your kids and you can't afford to tip her extra. See what she says then take it from there?

Presumable the OP will be parenting her own dc so the manny won’t have to step in and stop it.

HereAreYourOptions · 15/11/2025 13:30

youalright · 15/11/2025 12:13

How is a nanny a servant. A free holiday a decent wage. Its called being an employee

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Of course she's a servant (but also an employee - the two terms aren't exclusive) - even if the OP had described her only as a nanny rather than a nanny/maid.

bumptybum · 15/11/2025 13:31

usedtobeaylis · 15/11/2025 12:35

That's the actual reality isn't it? Being grateful to have job, especially that kind of job, doesn't justify treating them poorly. It's not lawful to employ people to work 12+ hours perw day in service with one half day off a week (or sometimes a month) any more for a reason. And we know they're not paid in line with the demands.

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We don’t know she’s not being paid a fair wage. There are terrible employers and really decent ones. Don’t make assumptions. If the KSA person is shit then I’d be more concerned why the Spanish friend is friends with her

AquaLeader · 15/11/2025 13:31

LizzieBananas · 15/11/2025 10:34

Can she even bring the nanny to Spain? Wouldn’t it be a different type of visa?

This. There will be visa issues as the nanny is technically working while in Spain.

Poodleville · 15/11/2025 13:31

bumptybum · 15/11/2025 13:26

Then don’t leave your dv with her if you are worried. Parent how you want to parent. No one is forcing you to leave your dc with anyone.

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But I imagine the original point if the holiday is that the kids hang out and play together as much as the adults will. What's the point of the holiday if she keeps her kids separate. Would make more sense to discuss logistics with her friend in advance.

moneyadviceplease · 15/11/2025 13:31

From my experience of friends having this kind of help from ladies from the Philippines they were more housekeepers than Nannie’s. On holiday they would usually help out with breakfast and tidying up, make the kids beds, put some washing on and then help with lunch and kids dinner time and then babysit whilst the mums went out for dinner.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/11/2025 13:32

Poodleville · 15/11/2025 13:31

But I imagine the original point if the holiday is that the kids hang out and play together as much as the adults will. What's the point of the holiday if she keeps her kids separate. Would make more sense to discuss logistics with her friend in advance.

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I don’t think she’s saying she will keep the kids separate. I wrote a long list off stuff that the Nannies can do to help and make the holiday better for everyone up theead. It’s all the bloody chores that the children generate that the friends wants a holiday from on her holiday. Don’t blame her!

MillsMollsMands · 15/11/2025 13:34

bumptybum · 15/11/2025 13:25

Ffs what’s wrong with you. They are an employee not a servant. How rude of you

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Really? My SIL had a Filipino ‘helper’ when she lived in KSA. From my experience, the helper was part of that group of employees generally called ‘servants’, just as a plumber is part of that group of workers called ‘tradespeople’. It’s not pejorative, it’s just a description of the type of work.

HereAreYourOptions · 15/11/2025 13:35

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/11/2025 13:32

I don’t think she’s saying she will keep the kids separate. I wrote a long list off stuff that the Nannies can do to help and make the holiday better for everyone up theead. It’s all the bloody chores that the children generate that the friends wants a holiday from on her holiday. Don’t blame her!

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But she has a nanny/maid (full time by the sounds of it) - presumably she does most if not all of the chores, so why would the mum need a holiday from them?

Ygfrhj · 15/11/2025 13:37

Lots of Filipino domestic workers will support their family with remittances, maybe even build a house back home and retire early. Of course they should be treated well and some are in exploitative situations, but they don't all need a white saviour!

If this lady brings her nanny to Europe from KSA she might need to show a contract proving she's paying a European wage and holiday pay etc during the trip plus cost of visa.

EastEndQueen · 15/11/2025 13:41

There is a unwarranted amount of hysteria on this thread driven by people who have never employed a nanny or lived in a country where employing multiple domestic staff is both normal, relatively necessary to manage day to day life (no family help for expats for example, or wraparound care in schools) and expected almost as a responsibility locally as a source of employment for women who would struggle to find alternative kinds of work.

Are you really so unclear on your friend’s character and morals that you want to quiz them about whether they are undertaking modern slavery?

Yes the norms for Filipino Nannies will be different to the Nannie’s I employed in the UK (I did occasionally take one on holiday and they had their own hotel room/ en-suite, were paid overtime for hours above their normal ones and had an extra ‘away from home’ overnight payment). But I imagine standards are also different for the people who grow the food and sew the clothes of almost everyone on this thread and no one has lost sleep on this yet.

I would be astonished if your friend’s nanny isn’t having better time of it with a UK family then in many other employers she could have had in KSA, even if it’s not western employment norms.

Taking a nanny on holiday doesn’t mean she never gets her own holiday. It is likely the nanny will take all her AL in a block and go home to see family. She doesn’t want a random week of AL in KSA.

I would chill, ask her about how it will work in practice (will she eat with you for example) and give the nanny €50 in an envelope at the end of the week

Kreepture · 15/11/2025 13:43

the bit that bothers me is her sleeping on an air mattress in the office.. that feels, very wrong in my mind.

Fair enough if your friend wants to bring her, but she should at least have a proper bed to sleep in!

HereAreYourOptions · 15/11/2025 13:47

EastEndQueen · 15/11/2025 13:41

There is a unwarranted amount of hysteria on this thread driven by people who have never employed a nanny or lived in a country where employing multiple domestic staff is both normal, relatively necessary to manage day to day life (no family help for expats for example, or wraparound care in schools) and expected almost as a responsibility locally as a source of employment for women who would struggle to find alternative kinds of work.

Are you really so unclear on your friend’s character and morals that you want to quiz them about whether they are undertaking modern slavery?

Yes the norms for Filipino Nannies will be different to the Nannie’s I employed in the UK (I did occasionally take one on holiday and they had their own hotel room/ en-suite, were paid overtime for hours above their normal ones and had an extra ‘away from home’ overnight payment). But I imagine standards are also different for the people who grow the food and sew the clothes of almost everyone on this thread and no one has lost sleep on this yet.

I would be astonished if your friend’s nanny isn’t having better time of it with a UK family then in many other employers she could have had in KSA, even if it’s not western employment norms.

Taking a nanny on holiday doesn’t mean she never gets her own holiday. It is likely the nanny will take all her AL in a block and go home to see family. She doesn’t want a random week of AL in KSA.

I would chill, ask her about how it will work in practice (will she eat with you for example) and give the nanny €50 in an envelope at the end of the week

It's not hysteria. Some of us just have a problem with people who employ servants, regardless of the situation and how well they may pay or treat them. It's not stopping them, but I will judge them negatively for it.

If that annoys or upsets them, then tough really.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/11/2025 13:47

MidnightPatrol · 15/11/2025 10:21

TBF a migrant worker in KSA working for a British family probably thinks they’ve won the lottery, welfare wise!

I’ve known several Filipino Nannie’s in my time and they’re all pretty pragmatic about working overseas to make money to support their families. So long as they’re being treated well, it’s a job.

They live in a different environment to us, and these jobs can be a means of their families escaping poverty. It isn’t necessarily exploitative.

The nanny might be quite looking forward to the opportunity to visit Spain, for all you know!

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Of course it's exploitative. The nanny has no employment rights and her employer is tripling her workload as she will be looking after all the children and doesn't even have a proper bedroom with a proper bed.

I hate the normalisation of the exploitation of workers from poor countries in many of the gulf states and the British people who take advantage of this.

DJSteves · 15/11/2025 13:48

Employing help is very different to exploiting someone

PorridgeAndSyrup · 15/11/2025 13:50

I would definitely mention to your friend that you're worried that the presence of the nanny might change the vibe, because you three mums are all close but having a fourth person there will change things. Also reassure her that it'll be easier minding the kids with three mums present, it won't be like being at home on your own with the kids. That said, I wouldn't push it if she really insists. She has the right to bring her, and it'll no doubt help her enjoy the holiday more...

One of my aunts brought her nanny on a family holiday once, and my mum and other aunts were very annoyed about it. For exactly the reasons you state. But they got over it, there were still times when it was kind of awkward but it wasn't the end of the world and us kids had an absolute blast.

Nevernonono · 15/11/2025 13:56

Smartiepants79 · 15/11/2025 10:14

You can’t stop her coming if your friend is determined. I would be definitely making sure that the poor nanny was NOT looking after my kids as extra work. And doing what I could to make sure she was comfortable and respected.
Your friend doesn’t actually sound like a very nice person. She sees her nanny as a second class person. Would she be ok on a blowup bed and her work load suddenly being tripled?

Agree with all this and I would not want to be part of it!

Luna6 · 15/11/2025 13:57

It sounds a bit of show off thing. ‘Look I’m so rich I have a nanny and I’m bringing her on holiday because I’m too important to do menial tasks like looking after my own children’

Instructions · 15/11/2025 13:59

EastEndQueen · 15/11/2025 13:41

There is a unwarranted amount of hysteria on this thread driven by people who have never employed a nanny or lived in a country where employing multiple domestic staff is both normal, relatively necessary to manage day to day life (no family help for expats for example, or wraparound care in schools) and expected almost as a responsibility locally as a source of employment for women who would struggle to find alternative kinds of work.

Are you really so unclear on your friend’s character and morals that you want to quiz them about whether they are undertaking modern slavery?

Yes the norms for Filipino Nannies will be different to the Nannie’s I employed in the UK (I did occasionally take one on holiday and they had their own hotel room/ en-suite, were paid overtime for hours above their normal ones and had an extra ‘away from home’ overnight payment). But I imagine standards are also different for the people who grow the food and sew the clothes of almost everyone on this thread and no one has lost sleep on this yet.

I would be astonished if your friend’s nanny isn’t having better time of it with a UK family then in many other employers she could have had in KSA, even if it’s not western employment norms.

Taking a nanny on holiday doesn’t mean she never gets her own holiday. It is likely the nanny will take all her AL in a block and go home to see family. She doesn’t want a random week of AL in KSA.

I would chill, ask her about how it will work in practice (will she eat with you for example) and give the nanny €50 in an envelope at the end of the week

This just sounds like "don't make me face the reality of exploitation".

diddl · 15/11/2025 14:00

It sounds as if there isn't enough room for her to stay.

Aren't there rules about extra occupants?

Surely it's a holiday with kids or it isn't?

Is the nanny supposed to shop/cook until your friend wants her kids looking after?

Won't the kids be entertaining themselves most of the time?

Eleos · 15/11/2025 14:01

HereAreYourOptions · 15/11/2025 13:47

It's not hysteria. Some of us just have a problem with people who employ servants, regardless of the situation and how well they may pay or treat them. It's not stopping them, but I will judge them negatively for it.

If that annoys or upsets them, then tough really.

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I agree with this poster. Some of the comments are rather hysterical.

There is a cultural aspect at play here which means many are simply projecting their own perceptions onto a situation that doesn't warrant it.

HereAreYourOptions · 15/11/2025 14:03

Eleos · 15/11/2025 14:01

I agree with this poster. Some of the comments are rather hysterical.

There is a cultural aspect at play here which means many are simply projecting their own perceptions onto a situation that doesn't warrant it.

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It's not projecting anything. It's having an opinion on something and voicing that opinion as requested by the OP. We are allowed to have opinions on cultures other than our own.

Scared0112 · 15/11/2025 14:05

Your friend is exploiting her “nanny”

a blow up bed in office is absolutely not acceptable and nor is her expecting to do any tasks for anyone other than the children she is employed to care for.

wtaf is wrong with people.

orangemapleleaves · 15/11/2025 14:08

It's hilarious that people honestly think the situation is too complex for ordinary mortals to understand.

There is some precedence, this is the latest iteration. It's always been exploitative and it always will be.

I know people tangentially who make their riches in KSA. I'm perfectly civil to them, because sometimes it's easier that way, but I can see how they are choosing to become wealthy and I do judge them in my head and they are not people I am interested in knowing on any deeper level because wealth doesn't interest me.

And I would not avail myself of their nanny if she was brought along on my holiday. It's called a moral compass and maybe it's a luxury belief but I can live with that.