To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

[Hungryhippos123]

We are meeting in Spain in May half term- me and my kids, a friend who lives in spain with her two kids and a friend from KSA who has 2 kids (just mums and kids- all age 5-10 and get on well!).
Our friend from KSA has just told us she plans to bring her nanny/maid with her. Shes a lovely Filipino lady (I have never met her but friend raves about her) as friend wants help with the kids.
I find it really uncomfortable and dont know why or if I should say no. I get that help is nice but we will all be there and her kids arent naughty or anything just normal kids! She said her nanny can help with all the kids and cook etc which I know is her norm but I find really uncomfortable. The whole dynamic will feel different and I will feel bad that the nanny will be sleeping in an office room on a blow up bed (again friend said would be fine).
AIBU? Should I just enjoy the extra help or would it bother you?

Does the nanny have a Schengen visa? Is she even allowed to work in Spain?

Thank you for sharing.

Servants are employees? Are you confusing that with slave?

She can of course say she doesn’t want to go on the holiday. She can’t stop her friend bringing her nanny on said holiday.

She won't be on holiday in Spain though, she will be working,her workload could be tripled as she could be looking after several more Christmas often, plus cooking for them and she will be sleeping in an uncomfortable bed
It sounds as though OPs friend sees the nanny as a servant who will do whatever she is told

I wonder if she would pay the nanny if she didn't come along. Nanny is in a very precarious position all round imo and probably best she comes - but you can set boundaries hopefully so she isn't constantly landed with everyone's kids. Your friend might be expecting a child free week for all of you, with expensive brunches and spa treatments, so make she understands that's not happening.

Oh yes that is sad.

I am lucky but I think I learned I was treated how Nannie’s should be treated and I have taken that with me now my LO is in nursery.
I like to show how much we appreciated the ladies looking after him and not just with gifts and cards etc - but I wrote an email at chirsmtas thanking the owners for providing such wonderful staff and detailed how great each one has been individually with my son.
and they were so emotionally happy and couldn’t wait to share it with the ladies.

Exactly how I would treat one too. And how most of the families I worked for treated me (as a British nanny). But having seen how the family I worked for, and pretty much all of their friends treated the Filipino nannies/housekeepers unfortunately it is a very different scenario.
With this particular job I was usually run ragged too on these trips, though not quite as badly, but I did at least get a proper bed and extra pay and/or time off in lieu. I was also able to set reasonable boundaries for myself, like saying I needed a few hours to rest, this wasn’t something the Filipino employees could do as there were plenty more wanting the job. It’s a very sad situation and one of the big reasons I ended up leaving my job after 4 years - anything I asked for to gradually lighten my load (extra time off, fewer extra cleaning jobs, etc) would just be passed on to them, which wasn’t my intention and wasn’t at all fair on them.

I disagree with everyone I’m afraid. This domestic helper is being paid for the week, she’ll either be working in Spain or working for the friends husband (if she has one) at home. I would love to have an extra pair of hands working there. I have hired a nanny on holiday in Spain when staying with friends who have one and it’s great, I do not use her to take my child away from me, what she was used for is things like: sitting with him in the room while he napped so I could have some pool time, playing with him while I packed and unpacked so I wasn’t stressed, going to grab stuff from the room for me like spare nappies while we’re by the pool, helping feed him lunch/ clear up after him so I can eat my lunch hot for a change, sterilizing bottles for me, supervising him while I had my own shower, helping get him changed before and after pool time so I could just dry myself, setting up things like the paddling pool and bringing them down to the pool area for us while we played with the kids, taking child’s laundry to do, babysitting after bedtime so adults could have a night out. I had better qualify time with my young child with the nanny helping as I wasn’t stressed out, could focus on interacting with him rather than organizing our stuff and prepping and cleaning up meals (as is my entire life at home!)
if the nanny your friend is bringing will do some food and tidying up for all kids, help fetch stuff, tidy up their dinners, and babysit while you have a friends night out then I’d really encourage it. The blow up bed is between the nanny and employer to sort out - I don’t mind sleeping on them myself so wouldn’t die on that hill.

Just to quote myself, having the nanny there helped me to have the kind of help on holiday that most people in two parent families can enjoy with two adults to help with kids - so please consider that before any two parent families judge me!

i think your friend needs to be aware there’s a risk that the nanny will run away if she wants to live in Spain many do!

The friend in question will have absolutely no idea how to parent without help and would probably be in tears on her own with the kids!

Did you expect her to look after everyone else's children and make her sleep on a blow up bed? If not, what are you disagreeing with?

Thank you. It's really sad how some of these rich employers seem basically to be massively racist, by what you're describing. Treating someone worse because of their nationality. Appalling.

Saying no would be an insult both to your friend and more particularly the nanny, who you would then deny the chance of a holiday of her own in Spain,

The nanny would not be on holiday!

I've written on various threads over the years about my experience as a private nurse for very high-net-worth individuals - sometimes accompanying them abroad. I was highly paid, and of course had my own first class quarters - but there was little time off and next to no time to enjoy a 'holiday'.

It's not a privilege to accompany a stingy 'social media' British expat to Spain and have extra children to look after!

I'd be very uncomfortable with it.
Practically,how is she supposed to look after just 2 of the kids when there's a gaggle of them? If she's supervising and sees one of the other kids doing something dangerous, or there is a squabble, of course she will end up stepping in. Is she going to cook separately for your friends 2 kids?

I'd maybe ask how your friend sees it working - just ask "how will it work?"

The flipside is, if your friend doesn't bring her, will she lose a week's pay? Nanny probably wouldn't thank you for that! And would be tricky to interrogate your friend about her terms of employment.

Maybe start with "how would it work?" and explain you wouldn't feel comfortable if nanny ends up caring for your kids and you can't afford to tip her extra. See what she says then take it from there?

The nanny can't be expected to look after all the kids. I was in this position once as an au pair at a large family gathering, suddenly expected to keep an eye on everyone's kids while the adults got roaring drunk. I let my feelings be known about it.
She's employed to look after the kids of her employers. I can see this situation becoming exploitative and I don't blame you for having reservations about it.

Yes, I would worry about that too

@Hungryhippos123

Have you talked to your other friend - the one who lives in Spain - about your concerns? I think her opinion is relevant since it will affect her as much as you. I'd want to check in with her before deciding what to do.

I think it partly depends on the nature of your friendship with the woman in KSA, and how open and honest you can be with each other. If it was a genuine, meaningful friendship, I would try and talk to her respectfully but honestly. I'd do my best to avoid making her defensive; I'd acknowledge that cultural norms are different and that you respect her right to have a nanny at home, but point out that you feel uncomfortable about the nanny joining the group holiday - not least because you and your friend don't have nannies and don't want to create extra work for her nanny (supervising and cooking for extra children). In normal circumstances, it's not your place to ask about her nanny's salary, time off and general working conditions, but if the nanny joins this holiday, it will be your business during that time. Depending on her reaction to this - if she listens and doesn't get defensive or upset - I would consider agreeing to the nanny coming, on condition that the friend is up front about the nanny's pay, responsibilities and time off while she is there, and that the three of you agree on it all. If that's not possible, I'd probably pull out, sadly, or ask to see the friend in Spain separately (without KSA friend).

Her workload won’t be tripled. At home she would be doing all sorts of domestic chores that will not exist in Spain.

She won’t be an underpaid domestic servant. Christ the parochial lack of understanding of global economics is staggering.

its like this: you work in the UK as a gardener and get paid £45m a year. You live in a 2 bed flat

you get a job in another country where you earn the equivalent of £80k a year and live in a 5 bed detached house.

That’s the experience of people coming from the Philippines and working abroad. As long as the employer is fair and respectful, they employee is content with the arrangement. They get to support their families back home, life a better standard of living and get healthcare taken care of.

if you get a shit employer then sure , it’s crap. Just like anyone. But if you get a good employer you are doing so much better than you would be at home and your families are being pulled out of poverty. The employee is proud to be able to get their families better housing and education and not continue living in poverty.

And its not a nanny in the UK sense. They are a domestic helper. They usually do all different things but in the UK the jobs tend to be more specialised. As long as they aren’t being worked hours beyond their contract and are reasonable hours then there is no issue

you have no idea

Ffs what’s wrong with you. They are an employee not a servant. How rude of you

I wouldn’t go if the nanny was made to sleep on a blow-up bed. I’d only consider it if the nanny had her own room and was paid extra when she was looking after extra kids.
I was an au pair aged 20 and hated it when relatives came with extra kids and dumped them in me.

Then don’t leave your dv with her if you are worried. Parent how you want to parent. No one is forcing you to leave your dc with anyone.

Same here. It was quite common when my kids were little. Our aupair came on holiday with us a few times to help out when the kids were smaller. We paid her extra and put all three kids in together so she had her own room and en-suite in the apartment.