My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

Okay, but you still found it easier than work - again, that is YOU. Not everyone is the same. I had PPA and it ate me alive. I worked a bit and I was up every hour for years. It nearly killed me. I would see my husband go off for work every day, he had his lovely commute, his toilet breaks, his lunches, his headspace, I didn't have that. However he was very supportive of my, unlike OPs partner and yourself, he did take the baby and give me time and space and not expect me to raise children 24/7.

Raising kids is work. It is unpaid, under appreciated work. And the fact that many wives take on a majority of it allows their partners to go off and succeed in their workplaces where many women end up falling behind.

And many relationships break down because women are exhausted, touched out and under valued, not because they want half an hour to themselves. Get your head out of the 1950s.

@Crybabydumplin I wouldn’t be happy with this and you’re obviously not either. My husband and I split every night as long as I am able to express enough milk during the day for him to do a feed, which has worked so far (in part we are lucky that our baby only wakes twice to feed, which makes the split straightforward). It’s early days and he’s recently back at work - I’ve offered to do some full nights myself, but he has refused so far (I may insist if he gets really tired and starts to struggle at work). I know I’m lucky, but point is we are a team. Yes, I do much more with the baby through the day as I’m on leave at the moment, and our baby spends much of the day feeding, but he makes a point of having a decent amount of input. When we get to his part of shared parental leave, he will be better able to adapt and manage as a result.

I work full time normally and so does my husband . I’m on mat leave and he still takes the baby to give me a break when he gets home from work. He’s tired but he understands that looking after a baby is a different level of difficulty and gives me a break because he appreciates what I’m doing for our family. I would have thought it was the opposite and a lot of families break down because of men who do minimal input in the home. Looking after small children is extremely demanding and IS work.

Well done. Neither did mine and my work is hardcore and I still manage a day at work after no sleep more easily than a day of relentless parenting.

He is selfish and like many men sees babies as being your domain. The difference is being a cater for a baby is 24/7. When he is working he gets a lunch break and commuting time to himself and unless he pulls his weight at home he has evenings and weekends. I got myself a Saturday job when our children were small to force my husband to interact with them as otherwise he left it all to me. Women should take time for themselves and not let dads abdicate all responsibility from childcare. It makes for a better relationship between Dad and child too.

His comment about nightfeeds is ridiculous. Point out the impact it is having on your sleep. I would make him do at least one of the weekend nights.

No, work isn’t a “break” but a 3 day conference is much, much easier than 3 days on your own with a baby so yes I think he was unreasonable for him to immediately suggest leaving you alone with the baby again immediately after returning. As you said — he’s been showering alone, sleeping undisturbed etc for the last three days!

I had similar resentment toward my husband at this age even though he was very supportive and did try to do everything he could (breastfed baby just wasn’t having it). Now my child is 4 it’s massively improved on its own as there’s a lot more they can go out and do together for ages that they both really enjoy. It’s part of the reason I won’t be having another though — it was horrible feeling so angry and resentful all the time.

Sadly I think this story will resonate with many, many people
I remember pretty much that exact conversation (on multiple occasions!) over the years my kids were young.
Stand your ground NOW or else it will simply carry on.

No it’s not the same. Though having done both I can tell you i found keeping the tiny human alive a lot easier and less tiring than doing the conferences.

I have zero biological children. I have done a million work/conference/entertaining bullshit work things. They are awful. Hard work, long days, fake smiley face shitness.
Having looked after friends and family’s small children (for a limited time, nothing like being a full time parent, max one week) even I know that looking after a small child is far harder than any corporate shite I may have to do. He’s a dick.

Maybe you're not very good at your job?

Haha is that the best you’ve got?

I think there are two separate points here - a setup where the woman is exclusively breastfeeding and the baby wakes often does mean of course that the night falls to the woman. While very difficult (and if frequent waking lasts a very long time, potentially very damaging to the woman’s health) if all involved are genuinely happy with this setup, that’s fine.

What would concern me (and I may have misunderstood your post) is if a man wouldn’t give their partner a break at other times of the day or evening, or if the woman felt like wanting that made her demanding, as you’ve put it. Ultimately, no one should ideally be expected to do 100% of the parenting 24 hours a day (single parents have my utmost respect in this regard), and all that @Crybabydumplin is asking for is a break to go running and one night feed a week from her partner. Facilitating a break for occasional exercise is the absolute minimum level of respect that I would expect any partner to show me. It’s also the minimum I’d expect them to show in terms of interest in their own child.

I'm just kidding, but seriously I have never had a day at at work harder overall than the relentlessness of days at home with my reflux baby on no sleep. But it is the no sleep that makes it so hard. Once I have sleep I'd prefer home to work. If your kids sleep I imagine that makes the difference

I resuscitate people for a living, including children. Not sure if that counts as a high-pressure job to you, but it certainly doesn’t feel like a break.

That’s irrelevant though. What’s relevant is that here we have both parents feeling hard done by and a bit resentful and that’s no good, For us, we split alone time and also split parenting/housework to try and meet both of our needs for alone time (both introverts) as a priority. Just to stay sane (and married).

He also needs to do night feeds. As working mums do. The pain needs to be shared

A work conference is not a break imho. You need to work together to give each other breaks.

I agree work and or a conference is a break compared to 24/7 care of a baby

This

he had a break from the baby. That’s what OP really meant

although it sounds like he always has a break from the baby…

I’ve just gone back to work after maternity leave and was in your exact situation. Hubby away most weeks for a couple of days and me absolutely knackered at home. He didn’t get it.
Now I’m back at work and in a high pressure job I can categorically say work is a ‘break’ compared to 24/7 breastfeeding and being a mum. I can go to the toilet when I need to, eat/drink when I’m hungry and if I have a conference or night away I come home so refreshed and so excited to see our baby, it’s work but it’s also such a break.
But don’t expect your husband to ever get it….

I think they are both hard and tiring in different ways. And it's easy when you are both tired and stressed to start arguing about who has it worse. But it's not helpful. Assuming your DH is a generally decent man (given you recently decided to start a family with him) then sit down and talk about what you are both struggling with ( but not as a competition) and what will help you both. Don't let this time be eaten up with resentment.

Anyone who has done both knows work is easier. And the people who generally have done both the most are women.

Work is a break - it's a break when you have a baby, it's a break when your kids are at school and you take off weeks for holidays - its a break going back to work after that shit!!

You talk to adults, chat, have fun, go to bed in a hotel! of course its a break.

Ask him when your down time is if his is after work?

I’m with you @Crybabydumplin .

I felt the same when mine was little and very much similar now mine is 5 and on the pathway for autism and he’s fucking off on conferences etc every 2nd week from Sept- Dec.

Book a girls trip. Inform him it’s networking. I went to Finland last year 🤣🤣🤣🤣

This response is perfect

Two things can be true at once: you need a break but a work trip is not a break even if there is work socialising involved. You both get time off.

But time off from what?

he gets time off from work and she gets time off from baby

why does he need time off from baby if he’s been away 3 days?

both are hard but in different ways and if he considers parenting to be on a par to work then why does he expect OP to do it 24/7!

Selfish pricks gonna selfish prick.