To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

It's the reverse of ageism.

Ageism sees all old people as an undifferentiated mass, in this case as a collective of pitiable, unvisited victims of selfish families etc.

Many posts on this thread, including mine, have just pointed out that old people are just people. All they have in common is age. Some of them will be neglected by seflish or uncaring families, as people of all ages are. Some will only having surviving family members in another country. Some of them will have repelled all loved ones by their own appalling behaviour, untreated MH issues etc. Some of them will simply have outlived their entire circle. Some will be solitary by preference.

If you started a thread about why some people have very few other people in their lives, you'd get a variety of answers. The same is true for unvisited old people in care homes.

Yes a lot of old people can put on the nice act and people feel sorry for them because they are vulnerable , but they were young once . At lot of old people can be very manipulative .

That’s very true. I have absolutely no idea at all. Something must of happened.

Because everyone's different.

Loads of people love company from anyone, and also many people don't.

Obviously you volunteer to do this if you would like to, and of course the home manager will suggest that a volunteer sees the residents who would enjoy it.

As someone who is likely to have no visitors, the potential loneliness I could deal with, I think. I'd get used to it (or perhaps already be used to it at that stage in my life).

What worries me is the lack of advocacy however. If I ended my life abused or neglected, I think that would be very sad, and not really something I'd have deserved (although really, nobody deserves that).

Literally every single person who has ever met my mother describes her as 'lovely'. And in many ways she is. Yet this same 'lovely' woman knew her two daughters, aged seven and nine, were being sexually abused and did not act to stop it, far less consider involving the authorities. Not even the 'excuse' of it being a family member or someone to whom she had a sense of loyalty. She takes no responsibility for it to this day.

That’s really sad. I like the idea of volunteering buddying, go play a board game, have a chat, tell me stories of your youth. We learn SO much from old people.

No, people are simply pointing out that there are different reasons some people aren’t visited. Some through no fault of the elderly person at all, but in some situations they will be to blame.

It would be very unlikely that a caring loving decent parent would have no visitors from their children, without good reason ie they lived abroad etc…Much in the same way it would be unlikely for adult children to go NC with good parents as what would be the point in that? The reality is people go NC with shit parents

They’re probably in care homes as they have no family to care for them anyway. Sad as it is some people have no one in their life to care for them before they even get old

My DF left a lot to be desired in fatherhood stakes but i visited him regularly in his care home. He physically and verbally attacked me (and other family memmbers) when his dementia became more severe, he even tried to hit me the day before he died. I didnt give up on him, but sometimes it was so hard because we got to the point where he was non verbal and there was no communication so we just sat looking at each other. There were lots of people in the home with no visitors and i do miss a couple id become very fond of (who never seemed to have visitors). Did my DF deserve my visits? Probably not, however, i did what was the decent thing to do.

@OrangeeS · Today 14:20

What on earth are you talking about? People have been giving examples of reasons as to why SOME may not get visitors. Of course it’s not the case in every situation, however it’s no wonder if you had an abusive father (your example) you wouldn’t want to visit him. That is definitely a case of you reap what you sow.
No one has suggested that’s always the case but to assume no one ever brings it on themselves is laughable. They absolutely do

Exactly! Me and DH used to know a woman (she was an ex colleague of his who was 15-18 years older than us, so we were late 40s, and she was early 60s.) He had known her for about 5-6 years.

She gave us this whole sob story about how both her sons and DILs had abandoned her, and hadn't visited in 10+ years, and how she never saw her 2 grandchildren, and how both of her DILs were 'evil' and 'vile.'

The more we met up with her (saw her for coffee every couple of months,) the more we could see why. She was a user, and quite spiteful and catty, (about others,) she had driven all her friends away, and her husband left her when they were in their early 50s (which she was still bitter and angry about.)

Also, she kept wanting my DH to do things in her house, and kept asking us to bail her out financially as she was a compulsive spender, and had got 1000s of pounds into debt with gambling. She had her house repossessed, and asked if she could come and live with us. We still had our 2 DC at home, (teens at the time,) and I said 'no fucking WAY' to DH. He agreed!

We said no, and she got all sad and started begging ... We stayed firm, and she got nasty. She emailed us saying we were horrible people, who had let her down in her hour of need, and she would be homeless and destitute, because of us! (WTF?!) She berated us to anyone who would listen, and made up all kinds of nasty shit about us.

Never heard from her again after we left our last property 10-11 years ago, and the area we were in, and don't give a shit where she is. But if she IS in a care home, I bet SHE has got no visitors!

I think there are lots of assumptions going on here.
It’s a lot easier for those with large families. It really is.
Sharing the responsibility of visiting parents between say 4 of you is a million times easier than an only child having to do everything.
Those saying that neighbours and friends will visit, really? I don’t think so. Having children and grandchildren visit would normally be the norm.

YANBU. I'm in my early fifties, and over the last few years have experienced some truly shocking behaviour from my peers towards their elderly parents when they become seriously ill. Namely, simply not bothering with them. Usually there is one child who does everything and the others go gaily about their lives, totally oblivious. It doesn't surprise me at all that many people in care homes don't get visitors. I'd say it's almost the norm for my age group not to bother with their parents. Utter selfishness, and it seems to have started with my generation, Gen X, for some reason.

There must be a lot of people in homes who were well loved in their younger years, but the people closest to them have either died already, are ill, live far away and might be too old to comfortably make a journey.

There are lots of reasons why someone might find themselves without visitors by the time they need to live in a care home, and many of them don’t mean the person was difficult or did anything wrong.

This will be me as the only family I had was mom and brother but Ive had to go low contact with my mom and brother as brother is schizophrenic and has been violent against me and is off/on his meds.

Mom refuses to lay ground rules and allowed him to move back in with her and give up the fiat mental health services had worked hard to get him. He’s helped himself to her savings but my mom gets cross if I try to address it and accused me causing trouble.

Neither brother nor me have kids so when it’s my time, through no fault of my own I’ll be totally alone. I just hope that given I’ve been alone through all birthdays and Christmases for the last 5 years, I’ll have built a tolerance up but as a PP said it does sadden me there’ll be no personal advocate for me once I start losing my faculties.

I’m not sure advocating that keeping in touch with abusive parents is the correct way and the ‘decent thing to do’. That advice wouldn’t be said to a women fleeing domestic abuse from a partner so why is it that different? No one owes anyone who is abusive to them anything. I would argue that’s especially true regarding their parent because they are the ones who are ‘supposed’ to protect love and care for you.

I spent my childhood being taken to visit elderly relatives (not even close ones!) in care homes. I hated it. Having to sit there silently, listening to the same conversation every week from somebody I didn’t like and who showed no interest in me.

I wouldn’t do the same thing to my own children. Plus I’m far busier as I work full time so my precious free time isn’t going to be spent like this.

I do have one elderly relative in a care home several hours away. I see them once a year. I don’t have time to do more than that, although I do make sure everything is paid for and they have what they need.

Thank you, I appreciate that friendship has always been very important to me, and I believe we can learn as much from the younger generation as we can the older ones.

I’m the youngest of four siblings and DH is 8 years older than me. We have no children and don’t plan to have any, so I fully expect there may come a time when I don’t have any relatives to come and visit me. I’m ok with that, but I do feel bad for people who might want visitors and don’t have any. I reckon lots of lovely people are there without visitors through no fault of their own.

I once saw a group of elderly pals on Instagram who had decided to pool their funds and live together in old age. They have various frailties and health problems, but they document themselves having fun on social media. I think that looks quite appealing.

Quite. But its easier for most people to imagine that they must somehow deserve it than to realise that this could one day be them, through no fault of their own.

Im already anticipating being seen as a selfish horrible child when one of my parents (divorced) inevitably ends up needing care. They are very good at making out like they adore me and they would do a very convincing job of persuading you that they are heartbroken that their daughter doesn't visit. They are very good at playing the sad victim. They would light up if I visited and talk about it for weeks, and you would think me cold towards them, holding them at arms length. You wouldnt see the rubbish way they treated me as a child. You might not realise how its all about them, how they feel, what they want - they'd say all the right things about me, you wouldnt see how they've put me down over my life because to you they'd say how amazing i am. You wouldnt see how I have been telling them since my early twenties, after watching my other parent run themselves into the ground looking after their parents, that I would not be doing any care when they are older as i know for certain my mental health would be significantly impacted by it, and id prefer them be looked after by professionals so they can have better care than I can provide and them laughing in my face like its a joke.
You'd see a sweet old person desperately trying to connect with their cold child, and you wouldnt see how I tried endlessly to please them for years only to one day wondering why I was trying so hard to please someone who has never shown any interest in getting to know me as a person, and just endlessly shows displeasure when I dont exist the way they think I should.

Yeah, and some care-home residents end up marrying each other! Rare, I know, but it happens! 😂

My mum was contacted by one of those heir hunters firm, she thought it was a scam till one of her cousins phoned. Her older cousin had recognised the name of the person who'd died. It was a first cousin to my grandad, and as he'd been an only child, all his cousins children were inheriting. It worked out at 8k each, and whilst my mum was grateful, she was upset to think of this gentleman on his own, and she'd have liked to visit him and got to know him. She didn't like the thought of receiving 8k and not having attended his funeral. My grandad had died 30 years earlier, and this cousin was the last survivor of his generation in the family. Mum didn't know he existed. He'd moved away as a young man, and the extended family had lost touch. I hope he did have people who looked out for him.

If someone needs 24hour nursing care it’s probably beyond the capabilities of their families to care for them.

Do you/have you ever had a parent with dementia?

Which thread was that? I missed it!