To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

It'll be shared cups of tea when you're out at work next.

She's young, pretty and needs him....

Your DH is either a fucking idiot or happily engaging in an inappropriate relationship. The message she sent was sly and manipulative

She's being a weakling. She has chosen to have a baby and live on the 2nd floor with no lift, so she needs to learn to manage.

Be helpful phone social services etc, and say that she needs some support. Could they go , and help the poor girl. Explain that she is struggling to cope.

He may not be the father but she sure is working overtime to make sure he becomes it 😭

@Babycarrierdilemma you did well in putting a stop to this. I’m actually struggling to understand what she’s struggling with. I had mine at 16 and I managed just fine in and out of taxis… buses… trains…. even had to take DD with me to a few tutoring sessions and survived. I agree with you that it’s learned helplessness (and a whole lot of CF).

Have you children with him?
If not, I would be asking him if he wants to renain married?
Because he is behaving like a single man thzt fancies his neighbour.

Bloody hell! I was a single mum with my first, lived in a first floor flat, I used to carry her up and down the stairs IN the pushchair!! Would not have dreamt of bothering my neighbours for help!

Why on earth can’t she carry her own shopping upstairs?
She is being ridiculous.

No good deed and all that

My life

Ask him why he thinks your nasty if your taking things over to help her

And working from home means he should be working not unpaid helper

I vote YABU only because you should have talked with your DH about all this first and both got on the same page and not just unilaterally decided he’s not helping her anymore.

for everything else this really sounds like it’s going too far. Def CF territory. Yes it’s nice to be helpful but she needs to stop being so helpless and start carrying her own damn shopping up the stairs!!

This. I lived in a flat many years ago, no children, but I had to managed shopping on my own. No delivery back then. Simple, 1 bag at a time. She'll get there, eventually.

When I had an 18 month old and a 2 month old I used to manage to visit my mother two bus rides away on my own. I had to manage both babies , a folding buggy and a big bag of baby stuff on and off the buses. This was when I was young and when you couldn’t leave the push chair unfolded on the buses. I really can’t see how she can’t manage one baby in a pram . I think you are right to put a stop to her incompetence.

It’s not about being unkind, it’s about boundaries. You don’t adopt someone’s else’s husband for your needs. If I was in the young woman’s position I wouldn’t dare, I’d only message the wife.

And DP is being very naive. He’s playing knight in shining armour to a vulnerable young woman, he should understand there is the chance she could fall for him because he’s the nearest kind man and he should understand that his wife would not appreciate his attention and time being taken daily while he tends to her needs.

Did he help YOU this much when you had babies? If not, he needs to realize that he is crossing more lines than an Etch-a-Sketch. What's next? Babysitting? Taking her and the child out for fresh air. Someone to accompany her to the park? Someone to help her create another baby? Seriously, where does it end? WHEN does it end? She'll keep on crossing the line until she is stopped. Has she borrowed any money or other items besides what you gave her?

I know that some people are able to resist that type of manipulation, but it sounds like your DH is not one of them.

Boundaries exist for a reason, and your CF neighbor and your DH need to learn that PDQ!

Feel free to show him this thread. Oh, and YANBU! At all.

I can see why you are annoyed, you give an inch and they take a mile, she does seem incredibly needy.

BUT, if my DH told me I couldn't help someone and went round and told that person behind my back not to ask for my help as I'm not going to give it anymore I'd be really annoyed with him.

Your DH can decide how much help to give, it sounds like you don't trust him more than anything.

I did exactly this many years ago.
I had DD (aged 2) in a buggy and DS (8 weeks) in a sling.

We travelled all over the place, including on buses, trains and tubes.

Is DH going to say he can't go away on holiday, or out for the day in the next few years in case she needs help 🫠

He'll be popping along to her childs parents evenings at this rate 😅

YABU to treat your husband like your property or child. It's gross and controlling to insert yourself in between like she tried to take an object from you. You needed to work this out with your DH instead.

Sounds like she has the hots for your DH or/and utterly taking the piss.

I was a lone parent when ds2 was born and also had a toddler. Emergency c-section and first floor flat.

She will have to invest in a lightweight foldable buggy or take the baby up and put them in their cot then bring the pram up.

You've been more than helpful giving her the carriers. I would also be fuming at DH for sticking up for her.

Has anyone asked her - when she took the flat, what did she plan to do about the stairs etc given that she couldn't necessarily assume a handy neighbour would be able to help her? She must either have made a decision that actually she could manage on her own, or that she would do the helpless act with any male in the vicinity and get some help.

Women all over the country manage to cope with small babies on public transport. She needs to learn how to do it, for her own sake.

Just out of interest how many minutes/hours a day does the help he has been giving her equate to?

If she’s taking the piss or your don’t want him to help her then fine but I do wonder the extent to which helping someone carry a pram or shopping (especially someone who is happy to do it) actually impacts your daily life.

YANBU but DH is the problem. I wonder how often she asks for help while you’re out at work? I haven’t heard of anyone being so helpless.

I can't decide who is more pathetic, her or your husband!

If he thinks this is dreadfully uncaring, point out to him that he was happy to leave you without all this help when you had small babies, and ask him whether that was uncaring or just realistic. Say that in your view it was the latter (because you were perfectly well able to cope) and he needs to be realistic now.