To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

Absolutely. For me, helping up the stairs is no big deal but that's also not the point. I would say she doesn't know her place, but it seems she actually does since your DH has allowed her to come between you.

I don’t think the problem here is that your DH is being a “doormat” at all. What would worry me is that he’s putting himself in a really precarious position with a young woman who is clearly leaning on him in a way that goes far beyond neighbourly help.

Daily requests, lifts, emotional upset when he can’t do something, messaging him directly rather than dealing with you - she’s positioning him as the only man she can rely on and while he might enjoy being her white knight, it’s not fair on you or your relationship.

My response to the accusation that you’re being uncaring would be “I can’t believe I’m with someone who can’t see a walking red flag”.

She needs proper support in place, not a married neighbour becoming her default rescuer, no matter how much your DH might like it!

Did your DH respond to her message?

This just isn’t sustainable!

Exactly. She’s in full on divide and conquer mode. You need to watch your back OP as your DH seems to be blinded by the damsel in distress.

Her behaviour is crossing boundaries and your DH is enabling it. She’s an issue but he’s the biggest issue.

What's wrong with putting the baby in the cot, taking the pushchair downstairs and then coming back for the baby. And then the opposite when you come home. Same when the shopping arrives. Put the baby in the cot, come down and get the shopping. Hardly rocket science?
I mean, I'd give my ndn a hand once in a while but not multiple times a day.
She is massively taking advantage of your DH and sending him texts complaining about you is terrible! I can' believe your DH can't see that tbh. She needs to find a ground floor flat if living with stairs is something she can't cope with.

I think it's about setting boundaries. Your detailed explanation showed what she is asking is absurd.

A baby isn't going to come to harm in 5 minutes, locked in a house, while she nips downstairs to get the shopping. Or she needs to make a note on her shopping account ensuring that they do bring it up the stairs! And if she wants to text DH that's fine but she needs to just wait til he replies, not then text you too! Because if it's inconvenient for her she'll find an alternative way of managing.

I lived on the fourth floor with a newborn and toddler. Single parent. I wouldn't have dreamed of taking the piss like this. Going out/coming home took multiple trips up and down the stairs.
You just do what needs doing. I can't abide helpless women, though agree with PP, your problem lies with your DH.

OMG - have you reminded the knob of this????

She sounds really manipulative.

Maybe point out to him that it's very interesting all the help he's happy to give her when you were expected to lug a baby up and down the very same stairs. He had no issues expecting you to do it unassisted, what's changed? The steps haven't got any more rickety.

Add to that her blatant manipulation and "crying all afternoon".

He's not her husband. There's being neighbourly and there's taking the piss. She's doing the second.

Maybe start getting your groceries delivered and text him to collect them from downstairs. Start asking him for help with everything and if he kicks off, rustle up some crocodile tears and sob you can't beieve he is so unkind to you.

Poor kid, hardly a great start in life...I'd be asking all sorts of awkward questions about where the dad is in all this...

Sounds like they both need reminding that he is your husband, not hers.

And I would keep a very close eye on this going forward.

You have a loving devoted father to your children, she doesnt.........doesnt take much working out does it?

Reminds me of a previous neighbour (a couple), husband supposedly going out to work each morning (suited with a briefcase )was actually 2 streets away bringing up twins and living off a lottery win he told no one about.

Yeah isnt it funny how The White Knight is happy to help the damsel in distress but not his own wife when she was in exactly the same situation.

You need to watch this VERY carefully

I would ask DH if he would still be helping her if she was unattractive.. I'm going to assume from him enjoying helping and not being happy with you putting a stop to it that she is attractive..

Or even worse she could get nasty and accuse him of stuff. She sounds vulnerable and in need of proper help / support / different living arrangements.

Hope it doesn't all unravel for you and your not so (D)H

I’d be pointing this out to him, when he stops sulking. Can’t believe he’d have been happy if you’d phoned a male neighbour every day for help with your DC while he was at work.

What!!!!

It sounds like single white female.

Where she wants your life. And your husband

Plot twist: OP’s husband is the baby’s father.

I haven’t voted as I would be absolutely raging if my DH texted someone on my behalf and told them what I will and won’t do.

You’re not his mum and YABU trying to act like it.

But she is being a bit of a CF and if I was you I would not be helping her so much.

I wouldn’t mind the lifts if they didn’t impact my daily life and she couldn’t get a bus but she cannot expect help up and down the stairs constantly.

What happens if neither of you were home?

I do remember how difficult it is having a baby and your body is still recovering.
What is minor to you is a massive favour to her and I personally would help her as much as I could but without it impacting on my life.

I would let my DH help as much as he wanted.

I also find this wild. At 19 I was a single parent with a baby in a temporary upstairs flat with stairs behind the front door but I’d never dream of asking that of a neighbour. I used to take my son up first and put him on the living room floor with toys then shut the baby gate and rush back down to bring the shopping and pram in. Same with trains, our station even had a footbridge with stairs only and often people helped me lift the pram up but I’d lug it up myself before asking. It really does need nipping in the bud now otherwise she’ll never do anything herself and I do have empathy of raising a baby alone but she’s taking the piss so that she doesn’t have to do this stuff

He’s doing more for her and her baby than he did for his wife and his own children!! Taking the piss.

And you’re not allowed to be upset?!

Is there a big burly man nearby you can start asking to help you with lifts and odd jobs, see how he likes it?

Presumably if OP still had the slings for her babies lying around they can't be that old. Which means OP probably wants her own DH to assist with his own kids and household given that they both work, it's not cat pissing or unreasonable to expect that.