To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

Yes I prefer this OP. You need to try to catch him in the act to avoid him having any plausible deniability.

They may not be having physical affair but from his sulking it certainly sounds like it’s edging into emotional affair territory.

The alarming bit is her thinking she has the leverage to moan about you behind your back to your other half...what gives her that confidence to think that is okay.

You need to play detective change your shifts and watch and see.

Take care.

Yes, you can retrieve deleted messages on an iPhone by using the "Recently Deleted" folder in the Messages app, which holds messages for up to 30 days
. To restore them, go to Messages, tap "Edit" or the back arrow, select "Recently Deleted," and then tap "Recover" on the conversations you want to get back.

I was going to suggest the same. Dont give him the heads up on changing shifts and be somewhere nearby in "spying position". Sounds awful but you really cant trust him.
Another option - are you able to track his movements via a shared location?

It won't differentiate between OP's flat and NDN's flat. @MoodyMargaret11

Also wondering about your husband, you know him best OP. Does he have a people pleaser personality or a tendency to "go out of his way" A LOT for people, even strangers?
Because if this was my DH behaving that way, I would know straight away that something's wrong - he hates his work and family time being interrupted and he is never shy to tell people or get rude/abrupt if they continue pushing. And for him this would defo be a pushing boundaries/CF scenario. No way would he be getting roped into giving lifts to anyone's appointments (unless it was a genuine emergency).

I meant if he went out to take her to the appointment like she asked

@Babycarrierdilemma how did you get on today?

Sorry to say the deleting of messages sound every suss

but yes if an iphone you can get them back

press edit top left of texts. It will then Show this menu pic 1

then click on show recently deleted and any in the last 30 days will show

then restore them

@Babycarrierdilemma, I’ve been thinking of you. How are things going now?

Been thinking of you op, hope all is ok xx

I have been thinking of you. I hope your silence means all is good.

Nothing has really happened in terms of helping / the appointment. Dh didn’t go out at all yesterday, as far as I’m aware there haven’t been any requests for help up and down the stairs. He wouldn’t let me have his phone would only hold it and show me there have been no texts and said I should take his word about any deleted ones. I was going to get it when he was in the shower but it feels like he’s guarding it a bit? I have been a bit obsessive checking if they are ever online on whatsapp at the same time though (which if they were I guess could be a coincidence but I keep finding myself looking to see if dh is online then looking to see if ndn is)

He hasn’t been as moody there doesn’t seem to be the bad atmosphere anymore only a slight feeling things are a bit off maybe ?
I’ve been considering requesting a transfer or looking on homeswapper to maybe move but haven’t spoken to dh about this yet.

The phone holding would make me suspect messaging on another platform/app.

No she’s taking the piss. I was a single mother of 2 under 2 and yes it was a struggle at times with prams and car seats but I dealt with it. If I knew I had appointments I’d plan bus/train routes days ahead and that was with a big chunky double pram. Women have been managing for decades like this I’m sure she can to. There is being a good neighbour helping the odd time but she needs to learn to manage on her own.

Sorry OP but your update isn't very encouraging.

It sounds very much as though they are communicating another way. Unless there is something else on his phone he doesn't want you to see. Otherwise why would he be being so precious with it?

And I'm afraid if you weren't at home there is no way you can be sure he didn't go out.

Given how much this woman relied on him and felt so entitled to his help it seems very strange if she has just suddenly found she can manage by herself after all. And he is suddenly acting cheerful again.

Did he give a reason for having to hold the phone? I can't think of a single one apart from there things he doesn't want you to see. Moving somewhere else with him won't solve the problem of him being a liar who hides things from you.

Your husband sounds bloody awful. Poor you.

Um that’s really dodgy

He’s hiding something.

Give it time for him to drop his guard and then go through phone. He won't just hand it over now he feels watched.

I agree. This really isn’t good Op, sorry.

I agree with this OP, while it happened so recently, and with you asking to check his phone, he's going to have his guard up, give it a couple of weeks without mentioning it, or maybe drop into a conversation in a few days, 'Oh well, it looks like the neighbour has taken heed of what I said, and has either found someone else to help her, or has decided to help herself'. This will help make him think you've given up on the subject, and he'll start to relax his guard.

I would try and not get stressed but keep a watchful eye. I think moving would be good. Talk to your husband and tell him you do not feel comfortable having bad feelings with neighbours and this could be a fresh start.

I’m going to speak to him as we really haven’t had many issues ever, things have generally been good . He has always been a people pleaser and often overly helpful to others (I think he wants a great public image ?). I just have the sense that we need to try and move because she has become an issue very quickly and I’m not prepared to have to put up with feeling so uncomfortable in the future.