To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

I’d be bemused why he’s suddenly so concerned about young single mums… has he been so passionate about other women?

I would view this two ways. First one, with kind eyes. She's a new mum, all alone, her life isn't what she expected having become a single parent, she could have PPD, and is reaching out to your DH as he is a calm, kind person in a crisis for her.

Alternatively with unkind eyes, she could be selfish and unpleasant and a CF. I would also worry that this kind of woman might not be above trying to tempt your DH into an affair to get him as her live-in support, but obviously that may or may not be a feasible scenario (probably unlikely if DH is 75!).

How i would deal with the situation would depend on which of those two scenarios it is. Sounds like you think it is the latter, in which case I would tell DH in no uncertain terms that this is not sustainable, and he should help her by supporting her to use the baby sling so she can be more independent. If she's off on a long journey and needs the pram so gets help once a week say that'd probably feel a lot less intrusive? Once he's given her that help/advice he needs to be less available.

Wow it sounds like he is the problem too.

Why would he react that much - he must be attracted to her

I know it's unlikely you can answer this OP, but why on earth did your neighbour come to live in a second floor property with a young baby? Even if it's Local Authority or Housing Association, surely she could have held out for somewhere more appropriate.

However, I agree that she should be able to cope alone, and is leaning on your DH far too much. Are you worried that she's after him, or is it genuinely that it's impacting on your home life? If it's the latter, then I think you need to tell him that it's not appropriate for him to be helping her so much, as she needs to get used to coping alone. However, if you're worried that something more is going on, then I would tell him so, and when he tells you that you're being ridiculous or whatever, (which he will) just tell him that you're not willing to take the risk, which is why you've told her to back off. I would also point out to him, assuming it's the case, that he's not the only person where you live that she could ask for help, and that if she's that desperate for help, she'll soon find someone else.

I would be pointing out to your DH that you managed the stairs and pram on your own with your (joint) child when he was out at work. Would he have liked it if you’d started getting another bloke in the flats to do your fetching and carrying then, given that you were clearly capable of doing it for yourself, as is your NDN?

If he's a 'helper', and he helps everyone, that's lovely, but you need to let him know he's being manipulated. If his help extends largely to pretty, young and vulnerable women, then you have a much bigger problem.

Yep. I would too.

She’s not soft is she? Why doesn’t she ask you, OP? Two women are capable of carrying a pram between them. Very strange that she always asks your husband. He has a hero complex.

Another woman messaging my DH about me would be a big problem.

Agreed!

It must be grim living on the second floor with a new baby, as a single mum with no way of leaving the pram on the ground floor though.

I agree that she's become dependent, but I was lucky enough to be able to be independent with my own babies, because I didn't have this disadvantage.

Yes agree, the NDN is taking the piss but your husband seems to want to help (hence he’s now getting moody about it). He needs to get on the same page, he needs to be told that it’s bothering you and impacting your shared life together, and that if he values you as the priority (his WIFE) over the NDN then he’ll listen. I also agree with a PP that he’s enjoying the white knight saviour thing. I wonder if there’s gushing thanks for his help the way that he wouldn’t get for bringing the shopping in at home (of course, since he lives there). But either way he needs to pick what’s important to him.

I have a neighbour that has crossed multiple lines in my opinion. The only answer is cut contact. No messages at all. Just smile when you see her. Husband needs talking to about this. There are huge boundary violations here and that's the problem for you, understandably.

It doesn't look good that your husband reacted that way and immediately said that you were wrong.

If my neighbour texted my boyfriend and sais I was rude to her, my boyfriend would ask me what happened.

There is no way that he would straight away blame me.

Given you say he likes helping "pretty, young women" i would be pissed off. Tell him when he goes to this much trouble to help a middle aged bloke on a daily basis then you'll change your mind.

I can't be the only one thinking she is looking for.something more from your husband?

In the words of Emma Thomson - careful there.

I wouldn't be happy about her going to DH behind my back, and I'd be bloody furious about him taking her side. He needs to have a bloody good think about where his loyalties lie.

Yeah she either realised she's onto a good thing with your dh and eventually she will make a move on him

What a nightmare neighbour. How did you get talking to her in the first place?

I don't talk to any of my neighbiurs

Totally agree with this, context is everything. I’m angry on your behalf@Babycarrierdilemma !

hes sulking? Okay, yeah something weird is going on. I would tell her to text you & not your husband from now on.

I think we are all thinking this. And her DH loves the attention from a ‘pretty young helpless’ lady.

She has already caused conflict between you and your dh, so it is an issue.

if you are being treated unfavourably by your dh due to her demands, requests and emotional blackmail texts then this situation will only get worse if he continues to be available.

It’s a block of 6 flats we are the top 2 and the front doors on each floor face each other

She was very chatty at first introduced herself etc . I think dh helped her one day when I was out and then that was it daily requests