To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

Deleting the messages is ringing alarm bells loudly OP sorry. Absolutely no need for him to do that unless something of concern

It’s his attitude which I find hard to take. He should be contrite. My DH is a person pleaser but not when he knows it’s at my detriment or discomfort. Sorry but I would be checking his phone. Whether he gave me permission or not. Deleting messages for me is alarm bells. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to trust him and I would be asking him to leave at least until I was sure what the situation was.

How old is she op? Any chance shes a relative of his? A daughter?

Sorry your update and guarding phone sounds suspicious

I agree regarding his attitude. Deleting the messages and not allowing OP to simply take his phone and examine it for herself is odd behaviour if he's entirely innocent, but more than that, surely he would want to do anything to reassure OP her fears are unfounded? (My DH absolutely would but he's never given me any cause to doubt his fidelity in almost 44 years.)

OP, if you feel you have to move to stop him being unfaithful, your marriage is already over.
Him not giving you the phone and acting suspiciously is confirming that something is really off.
Be very careful and for goodness sake do not get pregnant.

Well, he isn’t allowing you to take the phone because he’s worried you’ll recover deleted content or he’s been messaging her on a different app… It’s just really dodgy, I thought it all along. Keep a very close eye on the situation.

I remember yonks ago when pregnant, my husband said he was going round to a female friends home to help her do something.

I can't remember what it was, but it was something we needed going in our own home, that he "didn't have time for".

I'm 100% sure nothing untoward was going on, especially as when I blew up at him about it, he cancelled and did the job at home instead. In this instance, he just didn't really think. I'd be worried and upset in your place too. The secrecy with his phone is pretty alarming.

I agree with this - you can’t move every time he decides to massage his ego & helps a damsel in distress out. Although I’d hate to be in such close proximity to her & always wondering what /if anything’s going on (on his part) so can see why you want just to be shot of the temptation. I really hope you get inside his phone soon.

He’s not people pleasing you though. And his public image is going to take quite the hammering if you tell the world you threw him out because he was having an affair with a vulnerable much younger single new mother. But he seems to think that’s preferable to you finding out what he’s really been up to on his phone 🤷‍♀️

It seems your DH has two choices. 1 - He restores the messages and comes clean about what they have been messaging/doing or 2 - He can continue being a deceitful ass and throw his marriage away. Once you lose trust in someone it doesn't come back. You don't delete messages unless you have something to hide. And if it is nothing he can restore them and show that and then he can have the moral high ground he is claiming he has.

He appears to be hiding something and it may be nothing too nefarious, but that doesn't matter now. It is his tone, his treatment of you and his deceitful nature that are all red flags. He put her first above you. Full stop that is not a good partner. Be wary OP, I think this is just beginning.

Talk with your DH

@Babycarrierdilemma, your update is concerning. Your H has been prioritizing NDN by constantly racing to her side, to your detriment. It appears that they have developed a strong connection. Now he is protecting their relationship by refusing you open access to their chat … keeping you, his Wife, in the dark and unsettled.

His stonewalling speaks volumes. He is blocking full transparency by holding his phone up but refusing to hand it over and by balking at retrieving their deleted messages. Why keep them veiled if they are innocent and could reassure you? They must be incriminating.

He has been and is currently up to something. He and NDN have been so enmeshed, and can easily spend time together secretly when you’re at work. I agree with pp that they may have moved to another messaging platform.

He is guarding his phone, so bide your time until you can check it. Restore the messages. You have the right to know the truth of what is going on in your marriage. Personally, I would be detaching and moving on from this man who is clearly infatuated with another woman and feels entitled to marginalize you. Exploring your options sounds like a good idea, @Babycarrierdilemma.

This is so true - people pleasers only please the chosen few, it’s quite selective

Hope all is ok @Babycarrierdilemma

OP have you made it clear to him exactly how badly this has affected your marriage and that having full transparency (seeing the phone) is crucial to restoring your trust?
I know you've had conversations, but some men need it all SPELLED OUT letter by letter to get their heads around what it really means.
Make it clear you NEED to see the phone as you cant trust him now, after him being so weird and secretive.