To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

It's ridiculous that you have to do this but I honestly think that is a very sensible thing for you to do.
I feel quite angry on your behalf that your H and this woman have put you in this position.

Absolutely do this. Sorry Op, but deleting messages isn’t good at all - I’d be trying to retrieve those messages to see exactly what is going on.

Honestly? He deleted them? Guilty as hell, they have something going on already.

Why has he deleted messages? Very suspicious:

That ring doorbell needs to be up and running OP.

Try and get hold of his phone and block her number and on WhatsApp also

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to read this OP. If the messages were totally benign, why would he need to delete them? Surely he would want to be able to show them to you to prove there's nothing out of order? And surely the obvious response to him not being able to help her anymore would be to delete her as a contact - I mean, why keep her details on his phone if he's never going to have any contact with her in the future?
You don't say if he has an iPhone or an Android, but WA messages and texts can be recovered from both types of device, particularly if it's within 30 days (WA messages via WA backup and texts via the recycle bin, iCloud or Google One Backup) - there's lots of "how to" help online.
I would tell him that he needs to recover the messages, with you sat next to him, so you can read them for yourself. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know. A completely innocent man will prove you wrong and then claim the moral high ground. A guilty man will get angry and defensive ... I sincerely hope he's not the latter OP. Good luck. 🤗

Red flag.

This is more than you getting upset. He had no reason to delete the messages. Coupled with his attitude, he is hiding something.

Do it otherwise you will be at work wondering.

I would tell him that he needs to recover the messages, with you sat next to him, so you can read them for yourself. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know. A completely innocent man will prove you wrong and then claim the moral high ground. A guilty man will get angry and defensive ... I sincerely hope he's not the latter OP. Good luck. 🤗

This. If it’s all innocent the messages will be harmless

Yes, he is hiding plenty and shutting you out, @Babycarrierdilemma. Things have been simmering between them for quite a while, and he now has a covert agenda to block transparency so he can continue his cake eating. They will absolutely be messaging, and he’ll be seeing her and doing for her while you’re out.

He is trying to dupe you. Changing shifts is a good idea. I would also look through his phone without him knowing to try to retrieve their messages and to read any future chat that he forgets to delete.

This is looking off OP! Why is he deleting innocuous messages?

That’s damningly suspicious.

I still think your DH has offered to help her any time otherwise he wouldn’t have proffered both your numbers. He must be encouraging & normalising excessive & unreasonable demands. She is still a CF either way. If your DH wasn’t as gallant & generous when your own DC were young, it would mightily pee me off even more. The sulking & making you the bad guy just shows how much of this is coming from him & how embarrassed he’s feeling at the prospect of having to rein it in to her - when he’s obviously wholeheartedly encouraged it. So going from the hero rescuer to pussy whipped (middle aged (
?) man. (I’m not saying him not helping her is him being pussy whipped btw! He should be reigning his attentions in). Men are so pathetic when it comes to their egos & being so flattered by a younger woman’s attention. I mean she’s only using him to make her life easier & I doubt she even thinks about him in that light if am honest. But boundaries can easily get very blurred & him being this perfect protector figure to her is equally dangerous. I’d hate if I’m honest OP & there’s no escape from it b’cos it literally is on your doorstep. Deleted msgs? Red flag. Is this an insight into your DH & how he is toward other women in general?? Or true to form & what he’s like in general but now ramped up??

Definitely do this if anything it might even put you at ease if there’s nothing to it.

does she not have friends or family?its odd behaviour from her to only be asking your husband for help.

if youre in UK she doesnt need a car seat for taxi, and maybe just leave pram downstairs...or wear sling.

the fact shes complained about you to ur husband is questionable behaviour

I have no idea about family etc I’ve never seen anyone at all

Who deletes messages 🤷‍♀️

If it’s an iPhone, and they were texts, you can recover recently deleted messages.

yes deleting messages is really weird. Can't think of any reason except there's something there he doesn't want OP to see.

Tell him to stop deleting the messages because that is really dodgy.

Maybe he agreed with the NDN when she complained about the OP, that’s another explanation for the deleted (allegedly) messages

it just goes to show, your instincts were right about her.

The default setting on what’s app is to auto back up daily, so I would be asking when he turned that setting off and why (assuming he has done). If he hasn’t, I would get him to restore the chats. If he did turn off back up that might suggest he has something to hide (which may or may not be related to the NDN). Are you strong enough to open a can of worms?

He's deleted his messages? This is getting more and more suspicious!

"Not great." Yeah, this is crazy. Your DH has revealed himself to be a confirmed knob. In addition to a lack of being respectful to you and your relationship - has he seriously nothing better to occupy his mind than the need of a NDN?