To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

She's after your DH

And there's your answer!!! Tell her you did it alone when hubby at work all day so it's time she managed on her own. What happens when you go away for a week or more holiday? Shed soon have to learn. Good luck

I agree this is the best way forward from here OP. It seems that he is happy to continue lying and gaslighting you, and that way lies absolute misery. The alternative is to rip the bandaid off now and force him to be honest.

I think you need to have VERY strong words with DH and let him know that he is embarrassing himself and making a mockery of your marriage. He is not her baby daddy or her actual daddy and deleting the messages is a raging red flag. You need to explain to him that you are establishing very clear boundary violations on his part and he needs to set them with the entitled twat upstairs.

Ywu imo to speak on his behalf. It's rarely helpful
but YANBU to be annoyed at him being so involved. It was outrageous for him to accuse you of being mean and she shouldn't have gone behind your back.
if my husband takes my phone (to do some boring tech/ upgrade stuff) I often delete messages that I've recently sent. I do sometimes say things that I don't want him to read but I'm not having an affair.
go out together if you can
talk it through
id also be tempted to take that day off fwiw

I dont think it was your place to decide your dh couldn’t hep. You needed a conversation with him but ultimately it was his choice. If it’s a few minutes a couple times a day I fail to see how it’s impacting massively (although I can see the lifts might) Are your children still young? Is he shirking responsibility to your kids ?
Unlesz there’s loads more to this it’s definitely not a Ltb situation

How do you do that ?

I wouldn't know but I'm sure Google does.

I’ll try and have a look thanks sorry I should have just thought of that first (havent slept much from worrying)

For text messages, there is a menu bar on top right hand of the screen with a drop down menu”restore recently deleted messages” option. Or you can roll the phone back to the last iCloud update.

For WhatsApp messages, there is a daily back up so if you delete and then reinstall the app you can restore them and if the back up has been disabled, you can also roll the phone back to the last iCloud update.

Just posted because it'll likely be faster. I hope what you find out gives you peace of mind. I don't think you're unreasonable. Your husband is over involved and your neighbour too needy, even if all innocent on their parts.

Nobody goes to the effort of double deleting messages so they are permanently lost unless they have something to hide IME.

If you go into messages, scroll up to the top and click the word ‘Edit’ at the top left, it has a ‘show recently deleted’ option.
Good luck! xx

As an aside I never knew that about my iPhone! I have just tried it and it shows deleted messages up to 28 days ago
Sorry op, nothing useful to add apart from hope it works out

I bet you’ve not slept well - no worries OP.

in text messages click the word “edit” in blue, top left, brings up a drop down menu with the option to view deleted messages. Have added a screenshot - hope this helps x

Very true.

She might not legally NEED a car seat for a taxi, but she is right to have one, the idea of taking a baby or small child in any vehicle without having them properly secured is insane.

Personally the fact that they are deleted in the first place is a huge red flag.

This is the clincher - her telling YOUR husband you upset HER. Massively inappropriate and clearly thinks she has some allegiance with your husband. You are right to get this stopped in its tracks.

This is triangulation OP. She knows exactly what she is doing and your DH is either flattered and enjoying the feeling of being her saviour OR there is a mutual attraction, in which case, spells serious trouble for your marriage.

I would change shifts too. You need to know what it is you are dealing with here because the deleting of messages hints to far more than a bit of neighbourly help.

Sorry to read the updates OP. I would also change shifts without telling him. Return home when you’d expect they’d be leaving. I think if not physical, they have been having an emotional affair.

Nobody deletes messages unless they have something to hide. Most people have messages from like 3 years ago. The only other logical reason to delete is if you run out of storage but that obviously hasn’t happened here. She’s been contacting him and he hasn’t blocked her or even told you.

At least read all posts by the OP to be up to date with the thread.
You'll find that it quite possibly is a ltb situation.
He's deleted the messages communicated between him and her upstairs (why??) and continues with an atmosphere.... Doesn't sound good.

OP I feel bad for you that you're in this situation all of a sudden where you are doubting your DHs sincerity to you.
I was joking when I asked if he was the father when you first posted, not saying I think he is because I don't, well I bloody hope not; whatever the reason he feels/wants to help her, to be behaving how he is really gives a reason for suspicion.

Be as strong as you can, good luck x

i would be mortified if I was the neighbour and the wife told me that they could not help me anymore. I call down with a box of chocolates and an apology and no way would I text her husband even if he texted me. They are both undermining you. I hope you get the answers and your husband sees his family is far more important than other people.

Sorry OP but I think you have much bigger problems than we all thought. This paired with the fact that he’s still stamping around like a child are huge red flags.

Change shifts but don’t tell him. Just be home that day and see what his reaction is.

I would change shifts too OP, but I wouldn't stay at home, I'd position myself somewhere where I couldn't be seen, and wait to see if he goes out with her in the car. Then ring him, and ask him what he's doing, if he lies to you, you know what you have to do.

Sorry they are putting you through this.