To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

Yep. Not to mention her other demands of food shopping delivery, lifts in the car and messaging DH to retaliate against OP saying, perfectly fairly, enough is enough. Asking once is maybe ok, twice is pushing it, banging on someone's door and messaging them daily then weeping all day when people don't give into your demands is frankly astonishingly poor behaviour.

NDN is either pathetically incapable, has all kinds of challenges, or is a sly and cheeky fucker.

Whatever, it's not OPs problem, glad she nipped it in the bud.

Oh my goodness! A single mother asking for a lift and help with getting her stuff up the stairs and you think the authorities should be notified!! What strange world do we live in! Just think for a minute what you are actually saying! In other cultures the village is there to help and nobody needs to ask for help, the help is there. Here we do need to ask and well done to her for actually doing it and not suffering silently. How can other mothers be so cruel and heartless. AND OP she doesn't want your husband, she needs a lift not a shag...you are heartless and I hope you DH will continue to help and be a good human being.

Don't be silly, the woman wept hysterically for a full day (according to her) and went crying to the OPs husband because OP said we can't run around after you anymore, and it sounds like she is not managing at all, demanding pram assistance at least twice a day, food to be delivered to her and now a lift repeatedly requested as she cannot manage a train by herself, apparently.

So either she is, in fact, unwell, challenged and in need of a check in from social services or whatever supports are in her area, or she's just a cheeky fucker trying her luck.

Either way, it's not in any way normal to be daily banging on the door of people you met 11 weeks ago demanding help, messaging them daily and then having a total melt down (as described by the cheeky fucker NDN herself) when someone says no.

Omg, I hope you are alright OP and you don't need therapy after this traumatic event of pausing a movie!

OP, did you discuss this with your husband before you went to see the neighbour? To be honest, if my husband went off to someone I was helping and unilaterally told them I wouldn't be doing it any more, without talking to me about it first, I'd be pretty pissed off.

She texted him that she was upset and not that she wept hysterically all day! Stop making things up. He offered to help, hence she was asking. Imaging it was a refugee or other vulnerable person, would you all still be screaming CF

This is definitely a husband/rship issue not a neighbour one (albeit I can see why you went to the source of the problem). Also, do you know what conversations they've had? If he said "text me anytime, I can help every day, need a lift - just shout, I'm always home, i love helping, please ask daily, definitely don't do these stairs alone" and then you've told her not to, I can see why she's upset (not crying all day, that's manipulative) and he's annoyed. I suspect he gets a kick out of helping young women, offers himself to her to help (she clearly recognises a goldmine when she sees one) and now you've ruined it for both of them and spoken on his behalf. I see why you did it but you and he need to get on the same page and be a united front.
Talk to him about why it bothers you (missing bedtime, leaving you to clear up, taking the car when your kids might have an accident and need taking somewhere - whatever it is) and see what he says. You can't control him though, he'll do what he wants to do and then you'll need to think how you deal with that and how much it matters to you. Hopefully he will hear how it impacts on you, realise you're the priority and set some boundaries with her. Also when she texts you asking if he can help, ignore her completely and leave it unread. I don't think going to her is very effective and has made your relationship look weak as clearly he's gone "oh you poor thing, I'll talk to my horrid wife" (which is also a discussion you need to have with him).

Would he be just as willing to help a middle aged unattractive helpless woman I wonder.

My view would be that his actions are kind in the short term but will actually hinder her in the long run. She's a single parent. She needs to be able to solve logistical problems. DH is perpetuating the problems (and annoying you, and making you look bad).

I live in a house up 22 steps. I solved this kind of stuff by using a carrier to get the baby to and from the road/car and used the car as a handy on road cupboard, staging (non perishable) groceries, buggy wheels, folded prams etc from the car boot. My mum got a cheap pushchair from Freecycle for her house.

If I needed groceries asap I'd walk to the shop with the carrier.

Figuring this out made public transport quite doable. A pp was wrong to say all stations have lifts (they don't outside main terminuses often) but you can plan your journey round the ones that do.

Read the OP. She clearly stated that the demands are daily, various and escalating .
Stop with the gaslighting attempts, or better still, don't use your lack of boundaries as a life compass for anybody else.

Or 80 year old Eric...somehow I doubt it.

A pity he wasn't there for his own fucking wife when she was in the same position with his own children.
I think the OP needs to look back and ascertain her husband's " need to be needed/ loves helping " people" schtick with a clearer eye.
It would not surprise me if something jars her .....
Because her husband is not being altruistic, that's for sure.

Nope. OP said the cheeky fucker NDN messaged her husband and "said she didn’t know how to say and didn’t want to say but she has cried all afternoon and is stressed after my visit and that I wasn’t kind" - so only wept hysterically all afternoon and accused OP (to her husband) of being unkind for daring say no to her demands.

So, definitely not remotely just saying she was "upset".

And nope, she approached them and introduced herself to them, and has been daily demanding help, banging on the door and messaging and this includes demanding they bring her food shopping up to her and twice demanding a lift from OPs husband next week because she can't manage a train journey on her own, apparently.

Stop screaming (if you are going to lie and pretend others were "screaming" I have to assume that's how you usually communicate) and stop making things up.

Yeah, it's never ancient Eric, or 65 year old overweight Mabel these men just can't help white knighting.

Why can’t she carry the pram down and then go back for baby!

thats what most people do

she is being ridiculous

also,
tell hwr to go get her own shopping, lazy cow

Yeah, it's never ancient Eric, or 65 year old overweight Mabel these men just can't help white knighting.

Hmm, I wonder why! 🤔

Yeah, funny that isnt it? If 89 year old Eric was asking him to carry his wheelchair up and down stairs 3 times a day I suspect the OP's husband would suddenly be very "busy"

I know, and they are more likely to be vulnerable’ than lady CF! This is honestly such a bizarre post from @Stravaig
A man who enjoys being needed, a woman who is asking for help, an OP who despises needing help. One of these does not fit, whilst the other two complement each other perfectly.
so if he wanted a shag, op wasn’t available, but CF was, that would compliment things perfectly?….

It’s not that I even feel annoyed because I had to do it myself in the same sort of situation (and at one point with a baby and toddler) as at the time I just got on with it and although it was hard some days I just did it and I wasn’t stressing about it beforehand or having to take time to recover afterwards like ndn seems to need, I was wondering at first was it some kind of anxiety / overwhelm or because of a c section (is lifting not allowed for a set time afterwards?) but then she hasn’t come across as particularly vulnerable just more entitled (unless that’s some kind of defensive thing). Dh has been slightly quiet and not his usual self I feel like I’m picking up on an atmosphere or that’s he’s worrying about her ?

I know some posters have said did he move her there / is the baby actually his !! but 100% it can’t be the case as these are council flats so unless he could influence the allocation process it wouldn’t be possible !!!

Yeah, there are some odd responses on this thread for sure 😕

And you would be the same person saying she neglects her child by leaving them alone in the apartment

then she uses the very kindly offered baby carrier!