To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

Yep, we've all been there done that with young kids, and got on with it. Asking for a hand a few times is fine, she has well and truly gone past that and then slyly messaging your husband to crap on you was well overstepping the mark.

If your husband is behaving badly because you are not stupid and weak enough to let a CF interrupt your lives and make unreasonable demands, if he is angry because he wasn't given your blessing to run around after a demanding and attractive young woman, then I am afraid you have a husband problem OP.

The thing people are missing is that LOTS of things require or are made easier by having two people. Putting together Ikea furniture, lifting stuff into and out of lofts, lifting pushchairs up stairs and into cars. It doesn't take much effort from OP's OH to be very helpful at little cost to him, so letting the NDN struggle seems like spite from where I am sitting.

No, spite is texting her husband behind her back and coming between a married couple because the OP said something she didn’t like hearing.

Where are all her family and friends?

Just read your update OP.
And yes your H's reaction seems to show he really is already emotionally involved with this woman.
Do you know if they are still messaging each other because he could very well be still doing that?
Do you know for certain he hasn't seen her when you have been at work or out of the home?

I think helping her to be more independent is key here. Next time she knocks asking you to fetch the food shop say, I'll watch the baby in their cot/baby bouncer while you get it. When she asks for help with the push chair say, I'll watch the baby while you take down the folded push chair, set it up then come back for the baby (this is what I had to do while the baby was inside. Then going home I left the pushchair there, carried up the baby then went back to fold down and carry the chair upstairs). Or I can show you how to use the carrier before you go. It's pushing her to be independent. Instead of relying on other people.

Why didnt he do it for his own wife then? 🙄

Where does this end? It's daily knocking, asking for help. It's too much! She cannot keep relying on them daily. There is a problem, she is not coping well and needs to learn better strategies. She is a capable person. If she relied on them less then yes she could ask the odd favour but not excessively.

Because when OP's children were babies her DH was working in the office full-time.

I agree. It’s nice and neighbourly to be helpful to a young woman with a baby, but messaging the dh was a mistake.

I must say though that OP giving neighbour the slings is a bit pass agg. Like giving an old person who asked for help carrying something up the stairs a Stannah Stairlift brochure.

I think OP should have another chat with dh and acknowledge he wants to be kind, but that the message upset her (play neighbour at her own game!) and whilst helping with the pram and ad hoc heavy things is neighbourly, the request for lifts is a line in the sand.

I can’t be sure obviously but I’m also not sure I want to cross that line by checking his phone. It all just feels a bit uneasy here.

The slings are a solution to the problem though? The equivalent would be giving the old person a starlift.

Of course, the actual problem is the need for a huge amount of emotional support.

It's got nothing to do with the stairs really.

I would be very concerned about emotional affair territory. He’s being cold and distant with OP because she offended his precious and helpless NDN lady. It’s not okay,

And the OP had kindly given the NDN baby slings, so why doesn't she use those just like the OP did?

Better to cross the line now @Babycarrierdilemmathan regret how it’s panned out in 6 months time! Just ask him though, no need to check sneakily, if they’re still messaging one another or if he’s seen her etc. Depending on his response, you can then check if you feel you need to know for sure (check deleted items too). Sorry that you’re now in this position.

Why SHOULD it end? Life can be hard, we are all in this together. If it costs little effort to help someone, why not help them? I think this thread is about something other than just helping a neighbor.

It should end at him breaking his back to go and help a stranger up and down the stairs when he was happy for his own wife to do it alone with a sling.

There is definitely something going on. I hope someone more knowledgeable than me can advise you what to do next. Don’t doubt your instincts here, if you feel he is pining for her now after what you did, something is definitely going on between them.

So it's perfectly doable then? he wasnt worried about OP doing it for his kids even though she was in exactly the same situation, he just expected her to get on with it using a sling.

So why does that not apply to the neighbour?

Someone may have said similar so apologies if it’s already been said - but would he be texting and going out of his way to help an older lady (who is still physically able, lets say a healthy 75 year old) with going up and down stairs with bags, driving to appointments. If he would genuinely do that for an elderly woman or a man that is asking for help then he sounds like a truly lovely man (even if a tad annoying!). But I imagine her being a young pretty woman is a HUGE part of this.

OP did he worry about you when you were having to do the stairs alone? Checking up on you and being very nurturing? If he wasn't it seems very odd he's so worried about her, when it's something you did yourself for months!

No, I wouldn't check his phone either OP, but I would be asking him what the matter is - and not letting him get away with fobbing you off.
If he honestly can't see how her crying to him behind your back (trying to come between you), calling you unkind, him defending her to you, instead of defending you to her, and sulking shows that there is something going on, then he's being a disingenuous dick. They may not be having an affair, but there does seem to be some sort of emotional attachment between them which could lead to a physical one. Your DH needs to be reminded of where his responsibilities lie - with you and the children he helped create. In short, he needs to grow the fuck up, remember he's a husband and father, and his family should be his priority.

OP from your morning update, it seems like you really need to sit with DH and talk this over. It sounds like he thinks this has shown you in a poor light and hopefully thats all there is to it. “Banning” him from helping is not going to end well but obviously you have feelings that he should take reasonable account of too.

Definitely something going on between them, not saying they are shagging but something isnt right from your updates.

I don't disagree with you. I was just answering your question which, at the time, I didn't realise was rhetorical.
The NDN needs to become self-sufficient and stop trying to come between OP and her DH.

Ah apologies, you weren't the original posted I quoted!

It's strange isn't it? you'd think if he was fine with his own wife doing all that without help he wouldn't feel the need to be on call for this woman 24/7