To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

They're not friends, she's a single woman who's playing the damsel in distress, who moved in 11 weeks ago and instantly started asking them both for cheeky fucker favours.

But you already know this.

Your feelings don't matter on the subject, nor do mine, but OPs do. She's his wife, he absolutely should not have gone behind her back to listen to NDN whining and weeping about his wife nipping her CF demands in the bud.

And you're supposed to "work" from home, not fanny around helping untie Penelope Pitstop from the train tracks every time she asks.

Yes you have missed something and it's not just about the pram, she wants to be driven to and from appointments, her food deliveries to be collected from the ground floor by them, she makes daily requests for help, she's got the DHs mobile number and then complains to him that OP is being 'mean' to her when the OP quite rightly tried to put boundries in place, this situation is driving a wedge between them so I think any normal person would have major issues with this....

I do not understand why women leap in to belittle women for being quite fairly upset about issues, or try to minimise the reality of it. Well, I do understand that it is internalised misogyny and man pandering, but I can't imagine the mindset.

Anyway, you summed it up well.

What are you on about?! They’re not friends. She just lives next door!

I know it's ridiculous, friends my arse.....

She is far too dependent on your husband. I would not mind helping occasionally but not every day.

I think we may have found the CF neighbour 😂 (Quirky that is, not you!)

Hello neighbour of OP..

I think she has dirtied her bib now.

Messaging your husband was crossing the line, she bit the hand that helped her. Stupid move on her part if she is that isolated. Don’t trust her.

Yes, everything else could be explained away - with difficulty and an awful lot of unnecessary leeway perhaps. But that was calculated.

I genuinely don’t understand why people have an issue with the op setting boundaries, not just with her husband, but with the neighbour. Boundaries are healthy.

I have a relative with ‘Super Hero Complex’. They help out just about everyone, all of the time. They love to be needed. But occasional help always eventually turns into a long term commitment. They were helping one older man with shopping, getting his takeaways, a bit of company here and there and it escalated to him wanting his haemorrhoids checked and phone calls demanding his grandchild be babysat.

I don’t commit to help anyone. If I see an old lady struggling to carry shopping of course I’d help there and then, or someone getting onto a bus with a pram, no problem. I’m a help as you go type person…but no way on this planet would I be doing what op’s husband is doing. It’s absolutely mental, especially as now it’s affecting his own relationship.

My concern would be that he continues to help this woman when you’re not there. Because that would speak volumes about his motives. And yes, the neighbour did need to be reminded that her neighbours are not her personal assistants, because it is cheeky.

Moaning about you to him is not on, obviously. But if carrying a pram up and down some steps and occasionally getting some shopping in is disrupting your day so much that you're threatening divorce, you have bigger problems.

This. It’s not actually your place to unilaterally decide what he does with his time.

Telling other people what to do with their time is not setting boundaries. Boundaries are things you decide that you will or will not do.
OP can set a boundary that she will not be with him if he continues to help another person out. But she cannot decide he won’t help this woman out.

Boundaries work for the person setting them, you cant control people by setting boundaries for them the husband is not a pet

She may well have gone about setting those boundaries incorrectly, but ultimately she can make those boundaries clear now.

“If you continue to provide help to the woman next door behind my back, our relationship is over”.

and

“I feel that I have helped you enough and you need to stand on your own too feet. Please don’t ask for any further favours”.

I am responding to the people who think she is being mean to a poor helpless woman.

Helping with baby and pram is one thing but grocery fetch really is taking the piss

@Babycarrierdilemma Your DH's sudden change of attitude is very suspicious. Yesterday he wasn't talking to you because you asked him to stop helping NDN and now he's fine with it?

The fact that you have also mentioned that he recently switched from office working to WFH is a big red flag.

Did you see the flurry of speculation that the dp was the baby’s father? That was a good bit!🤣🤣

I do actually agree that she has overstepped and is out of order. But lots of people on the thread were saying that the help she was asking for was just too much - which you agree with too. Honestly, I think that’s a sad world to live in. I do lots for my neighbours (especially those immediately to our left). I don’t regard communications or requests from them as inappropriate - I’m glad they ask for help or small favours when they need it. If that make me a “sainted martyr”… fine. Personally I think the rest of you live horrible isolated inhumane lives 🙂

It’s funny because I think many of us see it form the other side and are incredulous at being so helpless you need help a couple of times a day from your neighbours for weeks (barring illness or disability). As you say: Urgh. Most independent self-sufficient women would find that idea ludicrous.

It must be very difficult being a lone parent with a new baby, in a new place on the second floor with no lift. I can understand about the practicalities of deliveries. And it’s great your DH was being a kind neighbour.

She sounds like she may be struggling to cope (PND?) if she’s cried when you spoke to her. Does she have family/friends nearby? I’d keep giving her kindly, neighbourly support while she gets on her feet. But also kindly explain that you can’t support her all the time (if that’s your boundary) and ask if anyone else can be there to help her with deliveries etc.

It’s best to set boundaries up-front so as not to cause misunderstandings or let a situation develop that you’re uncomfortable with. Your DH (being kind) may have said “let us know anytime if you need help”. So that may be why she seems demanding.

I agree lots of parents, like you, have to manage with stairs and public transport with babies and toddlers. I never had a car and took buses and trains with a buggy or sling. It can be daunting at first, but you soon get used to it. And people offer to help (e.g. with stairs) or respond if you ask. But carrying tons of shopping up two flights of stairs with a baby can be tough.

And when someone’s struggling to cope (physically or mentally), it could feel huge. We always tell people who are struggling to ask for help but often when people do, no one wants to help, and it can make it worse. Help to do things yourself is the best help, as some people can become over dependent and demanding. So, you did the right thing offering the sling. That was very kind.

But you’re new neighbours rather than family or friends. She shouldn’t expect you to help all the time, as it’ll damage her relationship with you.

Why would you want to be with a man you don’t trust to help a neighbour carry her pram upstairs without wanting to fuck her?

Hmm would totally agree but if that works for you

Meant Wouldnt totally agree