To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

Am I missing something? She’s just asking for her getting her pram up and down the stairs… and asked twice for a lift, which she didn’t get.

You seriously have a major issue with your husband carrying a pram up and down stairs to help out a single mother?

I voted YABU only because this is something that should have been discussed with your husband rather than speaking on his behalf. It comes across as controlling.

I completely agree with you that she is definitely asking too much. I just think it should have been handled differently.

They’re always really cheap Black Friday week. This all seems very OTT and the fact people aren’t focusing on the fact she went whinging to YOUR man about you is massively over stepping!! Crying all evening? Shes either lying and emotionally manipulating him or she’s possibly got PND. She needs to get a lightweight buggy instead and use the baby carrier. A second hand Doona would be ideal actually as it’s the car seat on wheels so handy for taxis. L be

It is very much worth it. The reality is he is enjoying attention from a younger, prettier woman who is stoking his ego by pretending she is Penelope Pitstop being rescued by the handsome hero. It's utterly pathetic - and so is your husband.

He may not go any further than he already has, but what he has already done is be disloyal to you and enjoy the (almost certainly flirtatious) attentions of a younger woman. If he disagreed with your decision to tell her to sling her hook (which was exactly the right decision) he certainly had no right to let her whinge at him about it. What a sly little cow.

You are the inner circle, just you and him. All arguments stay within that circle. She tried to break into the circle and you sent her packing. If he doesn't like that, it stays entirely between you two.

I can't stand women who act as thought the world has fallen in because life gets harder after a kid. I trekked across three continents with two kids and my (now ex) husband - who worked all day 6 days a week, 7am to 6pm, no family, no helpful neighbours, I just fucking got on with it like a normal person. I do not say that is ideal but it is perfectly achievable provided nobody is experiencing disabilities or very unwell. She is neither, and her mental health is nothing to do with you or your husband.

Time for her to look into finding accommodation she can manage since she cannot have a sherpa slave do her bidding every day. She is not your problem in any way, manner shape or form - and yes you do have a husband problem.

And yep, I was also a single mum too after we split up.

Anyway, none of that actually matters. She's just not your problem. At all. But your husband is.

It’s not really a “no” situation! I’m just speaking from my own pp situation where I couldn’t do much on my own. That’s my experience and not something you say “no”
to as it happened?! 😂

Did you miss the bit where op said she only moved in 11 weeks ago, and there’s been daily requests?

Blimey, that's drawing a long bow, even for paranoid Mumsnetters

I have 3 children. Ages 8,2,1
I live on the first floor, 2 flights of stairs to get up and down- no lift. I have to carry my 2 year old and my 1 year old in the doona since I was 10 days post partum - after a c section. I’ve done it all alone, school runs, nursery runs. I’m up and down 6 times daily. My neighbours often ask me if I need help, I have been called super woman/mom many times, I have always declined the help as it is my responsibility. Your neighbour is taking the piss and needs to figure it out herself. You’ve been more than reasonable. Sometimes when you help some people they just take the mick even more. It’s completely do-able solo. Also I carry shopping bags up alongside the two children, I’m often sweating when I get to the top but I do it successfully.

But why is your helplessness someone elses problem? As a single parent, your job is to learn, and learn fast, how to manage things like this yourself. Yes I have done it, and am currently doing it. Which is why I know how to plumb in dishwashers and washing machines, change knackered taps on sinks and replaster walls. Because I had to learn as I had no money to pay someone else to do it!

You couldnt manage bags and baby and pram? So prioritise. Baby upstairs, in cot, safe. Then shopping, in kitchen safe. Then pram.

Next trip, baby carrier on front, rucksack on back, buy less and shop more often, sell pram.

You learn.

I don’t think a daily request to help get a pram out of the building is a big deal?! Am I crazy? My husband would gladly do this (assuming he was at home when it was needed).

Are people really so sick and miserable they can’t face helping a neighbour for a few minutes a day? Urgh.

Now we're really veering into unhelpful territory

It's not the request that's now the issue, it's that she felt comfortable complaining to OPs husband about OPs cease and desist request

This ^

Wtaf?! It’s impacting the OP and that’s enough for her DH to stand by her. The NDN is being needy and manipulative and is so obviously after her DH. Huge red flags.

I think helping because you happen to be on the stairs at the same time is fine, I think reaching out for assistance on rare occasions is fine but when it strays into asking for lifts or daily help it’s over stepping.
It’s gone beyond helping with the pram, the Op’s husband is now driving this person around, she feels it’s acceptable to text him to criticise his wife. It’s time to draw a very firm line.

@imisscashmere , OP's husband is working from home.
I work from home and a daily request from a next door neighbour to carry a pram downstairs and then carry it upstairs when she came back would be too much. I'd not appreciate being texted or have the door knocked because I'd be at work.

Yep, you're crazy (your words not mine). Or - more likely - pretending not to get it.

Also pretending not to see the CF repeated demand for a lift and the CF messaging the husband to whine and demand sympathy because OP quite rightly politely told her they're not her sherpas. Massive overstep.

Also that she claims to have been crying all day because two virtual strangers who have only known her 11 weeks are not prepared to do her parental chores for her every single day of their lives.

Knocking and messaging two people who just happen to be your neighbours to ask for them to do your chores for you is already an overstep. Might be ok if it was a one off, or once or twice and because you hadn't sorted yourself out yet.

Doing it every single day is cheeky as fuck. People have an absolute right to sit at home naked, asleep, or involved in anything they like without having to worry about when the next knock or message from next door's cheeky fucker will come.

NDN is a CF. She might have mental health issues but they can't fix that and its not their job or their place to try.

It is absolutely wrong to expect your random neighbours to do any parental chore for you every single day. Yep. It is.

If you want to be a sainted marty and claim this situation wouldn't bother you at all, no worries. OP is rightfully irritated by it and has nipped it in the bud, just like the majority of us would.

Yes, I mean it wouldn't matter if he was just asleep, it's still a massive overstep - but absolutely this. People are expected to WORK from home not fanny around doing chores for other people.

I think it has gone beyond that now. She is interrupting their relationship by wanting OP’s husband to be at her beck and call. Then to go behind OP’s back to complain about her to her husband, she is purposely trying to drive a wedge between them. Whether the motive is to keep him running around for her all day every day or whether she has more ulterior motives isn’t known yet. The husband is blind and stupid for failing to see the potential harm this could do to his marriage. It’s not a neighbour asking for a bit of help every now and then. If she couldn’t manage living there as a single mother she shouldn’t have moved into that flat.

Maybe he just likes her and she him. Platonic relationships do exist. They may have found they have a lot in common and want to spend some free time together.

@TheQuirkyMaker , you've not heard about men having their head turned by playing knight in white armour to a damsel on distress then.

She's a young pretty woman who went behind OPs back to complain about OP when she did not get her way. She has only known them 11 weeks, is not their friend is just a NDN and has made repeated and daily demands for assistance including demanding lifts and texting OPs husband in retaliation for being told no.

Stop pretending not to get it.

Oh, he's neither blind nor stupid. He's just pretending to be so he can keep doing what he wants to do, which is play white knight to a young, pretty weeping woman who lives right next door.

I always assume men know precisely what they are doing, because they're incredibly good at managing to make their feelings known, managing relationships and understanding situations when it suits them.

What I don't understand is why someone would try to end a friendship? It is platonic, they like each other and he likes helping her with chores. It's probably a break from WFH all the time. It doesn't mean she is going to 'turn his head'.