To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

🙄

This deserves to be repeated. I was on the side of “how lovely of your husband to be helpful, maybe OP is a bit paranoid” but the constant requests, the manipulative messages, the texting where she complains about OP? No, that’s a bit too far. New mum needs to start figuring out how to do things on her own and she certainly should be capable of carrying her own groceries upstairs.

she didn’t know how to say, didn’t want to say, but she’s been crying all afternoon because she’s stressed after the conversation (in which she was told that a person she only met 11 weeks ago cannot be her errand boy) and OP was “unkind”???? Absolutely not. I understand she has hormones rampaging through her, but she is the only one responsible for her own emotions. The only reason to share that with OP (who is a virtual stranger) is to be manipulative. I understand helping a neighbor, but this has gone well beyond that.

I understood DN as "niece",. Is she related to you?

I felt a bit sorry for her until I read she had messaged your husband saying you were unkind. That really was bad. She should have taken it on the chin.

As a previous poster suggested, can she not leave the pram downstairs and just carry her baby up and down? That's what others do but it depends on how much room there is at the entrance.

As for asking for lifts, that is a bit much. I am presuming she is a single parent and probably can't afford a taxi.

I can't get over the woman messaging your husband. Where is her pride?

I honestly don't know what to think and have no suggestions. I will say I don't suppose it took your husband more than a few minutes to carry the pram up and down, I think I'd have let that one go.

Sounds like you are in an apartment block. Do you own your apartment or through shared ownership. If you own, then you need to contact the Managing Agents, if through shared ownership you need to contact the Council and report your concerns as she may well have mental health issues and the child needs to be looked after. If, she has a fixation on your husband and, your are sure there hasn't been any affair leading to this child, then you need to act sooner rather than later and he needs to step up to protect his own family. This could be a very volatile situation if not dealt with.

It's annoying when you competently found ways round the same issues she is facing and had little help from partner, and then he rushes to help her with those same issues. She is a piece of work to go crying to him - completely inappropriate and totally out of order. And he is on thin ice for letting his vanity be so easily used against him.

A man who enjoys being needed, a woman who is asking for help, an OP who despises needing help. One of these does not fit, whilst the other two complement each other perfectly.

agree! this woman comes across very manipulative and quite unhinged with 'crying all afternoon' antics. Your dh would be an idiot to carry on indulging her.

NDN = Next Door Neighbour

I think my husband would be equally kind in a similar situation and I would support it, knowing how difficult I found things after a caesarean, even with a lot of help. I think she did cross a line and that would irritate me too, but it’s possibly from a place of desperation, tiredness or just lacking a sense of what’s right and wrong in what might be the most extreme circumstances she’s ever faced. I’m not the boss of my husband and if he wanted to carry on doing it then that’s fine - I can’t imagine it’s more than 10 minutes a day ?

I used to live alone in a second floor flat and you have to plan in advance and adapt to the situation with a baby as a single parent . I used to leave my pram in a store cupboard on the ground floor but I also used to put my son in the pram car seat attachment and carry him up the stairs. I could safely leave him strapped into the seat attachment instead the flat or by the door when I could run down the stairs and fold the pram to carry it or collect shopping. I ended up with 3 different second hand prams, I had an icandy, to start and progressed to a fold up baby jogger and a light McLaren stroller. I never bothered my neighbours who were rarely home. Your neighbour needs to invest in a more suitable, lighter pram asap. She is taking the mick expecting you to collect her shopping from the ground floor, she could easy put baby in the cot with the front door left open to hear the child and get it herself or use a baby sling.

She is after her husband and the OP, husband seems to be loving it.

I bet they meet up when OP is at work, as he WFH.

It's very kind of you (or him!) to have helped as much as he has so far, but really she needs to learn how to do these things herself now - like everyone else does. The occasional request is fine, but multiple times a week! I think anyone would get irritated. The baby is 16 weeks now so can be left safely somewhere in the flat while she gets the shopping in or drops the pushchair down.
Your DH needs to start stepping back as he's not helping her get to grips with being a single mum (or even a mum).

Why don't you help instead? That might get her to stop if she only ever gets you

Sorry, but no. As a single mother you don’t go and ask constant favours from the married guy next door, it is simply not correct, polite or wise. It is actually quite rude and disrespectful to the wife and yes… I raised my child on my own and had PND. You don’t get in between a married couple to sort something as simple as dealing with a pram particularly if the wife has already given you the means to get baby and pram up as she herself did while her husband was at work.

Is she attractive and younger than you?
I hope you can trust your husband, especially if she's manipulative.

@Doone22 ,because OP is at work, and doesn't drive.

If she looked liked the backend of a bus, wonder if he would be so concerned about her?

The going over your head as though your opinion is irrelevant is a red flag.

Also, how he is fighting her corner. Flag.

OP, I would also be wary of how your DH has rolled over so easily and agreed to stop helping. I seriously think you’re in dangerous territory here with him WFH

Couldn't agree more. What’s to stop him just sneaking round and not mentioning it given OP is at work, he’s WFH?

If the neighbour has pnd, this is not the OP’s problem. It’s sad that she’s not had visitors since moving in, but emergencies aside, I think her behaviour has been unfortunate. Texting the OP’s husband to complain about her is either extremely daring (go on, male neighbour, stick up for me) or very stupid, either way, guaranteed to upset the OP.

You have left out quite a bit to this story. Where’s this girls mother? Sister? Boyfriend? Husband?
why is this girl relying so heavily on her neighbours? Absolutely madness! I say hello to my neighbours and that’s about it!
why is this girl living in a flat if she can’t manage the pram up and down the stairs? Why didn’t she move when she was pregnant? (I know she may not have the means to!) but it’s hugely unrealistic to rely on you and your husband. You are not unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t have given her my slings, I would have maybe told her where she can buy slings for the baby! Madness.

NDN is totally taking the piss expecting anyone to carry her pram up and down every single day. Then expecting you two to get her shopping in. Does she think that you’re hired staff?
She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.

Hells bells.!!
Are you her personal aides then ?
Texting you to bring her shopping up. ? Can't she manage it herself.?

He loves helping a stranger every day with carrying a pram and lifts? Sorry but no man loves helping with domestic chores unless they fancy the woman.

My husband is a real people pleaser but even he would complain about doing things so often.

This thread. Love to be a fly on the wall for the dystopian future where you'll all have to rely for survival on the same people you've been treating like dogshite to be scraped off your shoes.

I feel heart sorry for her. On her own with such a young baby isn't easy. He's probably the only conversation or adult interaction she has in a day. What a lonely and scary life she must have.

Instead of marking your territory, help her out too. You're being incredibly selfish and thoughtless.