To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

I was thinking yabu until i read that she texted your hubby about it! Cheeky! Nip it in the bud asap or she’ll be a thorn in your side/marriage permanently

Yes I think the fact she’s coming between you both is a big red flag, she’s being manipulative

Ummm, you do understand that very, very many people do not get a choice of where to live? It's very difficult indeed to find a place to rent if you're an unemployed new single mother.

Op i knew someone like this. Although i found her slightly annoying i also tried to be supportive because i felt sorry for her. She ran off with my DH!

And as you found all this such a struggle, did you also knock on your neighbour's door multiple times per day, expecting them to carry your pram and shopping and ferry you around? Or you managed?

I don't think OP mentioned anything about the woman's finances? I think it's a bit of a stretch to assume she must be on breadline, especially as she did not say she can't afford a taxi, she said she can't manage the car seat.

Maybe your DH could help her source a more suitable buggy that she can carry herself?

WTF?? OP, quite rightly, doesn't want her husband spending more!! time with her. She sounds manipulative OP.

Lots of us solo parents have had to navigate these things by themselves.

No good deed goes unpunished.

The older i get, the more I realise how true it is.

Yes, but we're not talking about helping someone with a pram down the stairs now and then. We're talking about giving her lifts in his car, helping her in with her shopping and all sorts of other things on a daily basis. To be fair there's helping a neighbour out (which very few of us would mind doing) and then there's almost accepting responsibility for them. Are you sure your DH would be happy with such a full-on situation? Honestly, not many people would like it.

Hell no. Guard your marriage fiercely against that nonsense.

You could argue the toss on this one for either side UNTIL the NDN text the husband to slag off OP. Thats a step too far 🚩

The concept of “guarding” throughout this thread is so bizarre. The OPs husband clearly thinks she is being uncharitable to a member of their community who is struggling and that doesn’t look great on her in his eyes u seek you communicate properly on it. Banning him is not going to end well

I agree with this.

Right up until then it could be considered that she is clueless and perhaps doesnt realise that she is asking an awful lot, too much in fact.

But the text to the husband about how horrible the OP is and how it made her cry....thats where she crossed the line. By doing that she is clearly trying to create a divide between husband and wife and insert herself into it.

Given that she is so reticent about her former relationship I cant help wondering if this is her first rodeo......

Exactly this ⬆️

OP, I would also be wary of how your DH has rolled over so easily and agreed to stop helping. I seriously think you’re in dangerous territory here with him WFH.

I agree with this.

Given the woman's persistence so far and his willingness to help her, and his sulking when you tried to put a stop to her entitled behaviour, I don't think this is the end of the problem by any means.

She will continue to ask him for favours and continue to try and manipulate him Your H supposedly " seeing your point of view" is totally different from him actually putting into practice not being at her beck and call.

That he is working from home and you being out at work gives them lots of opportunity to continue their friendship and interaction.

Complaining to a man about his wife… I would fall on her as a ton of bricks and read the riot act to the husband. If she cannot see you as a unit you both need to put her back in her place.

Your husband is not her husband, she cannot be bothering another family all the time for things she herself has to find a way around. Is she going to be knocking at your door every day for 2-3 years until the pram is redundant? Fuck that for a game of soldiers (and I’m saying that as a single mother)

Ps. I also think there is a big risk that something is already developing between them, otherwise she wouldn’t feel so entitled to the help and your husband wouldn’t have punish you by giving you the silent treatment for trying to put a stop to it.

I’d be interested to hear what your husband said to her in response to her text message slagging you off OP?

This. I would be wanting to see the text responses.

The NDN will be shagging the DH long before then.

This has probably been said by now but you aren’t generally allowed to leave things in communal areas due to fire risks.

When I lived in a flat the management company would come weekly and remove such items. These were privately owned flats if that makes a difference.

It depends on what you call "managed." It was horrific, we're lucky to have survived, but we did.

Obviously, she could be a well-off woman on maternity leave who could afford to move home and afford taxis (in which case she could probably afford to pay for some domestic help and have no need to keep asking OP's DH), but it's unusual to be in that situation and more likely, as she's clearly desperate and emotional, that she's genuinely struggling with few resources.

It is tough…
she has to learn and yes, when you are alone, you need still to be able.

Not unkind. Wise.

She can’t even bring her own groceries in?? Omg I should have realised I could have asked my neighbours to take my groceries in when I was on maternity leave!

Bit mad she moved into a property that would be difficult with a baby. Definitely keep an eye on her and her intentions. I get your dh might like to be the hero in her life but it is out of order her complaining directly to him about you. Beware.

She shouldn’t have texted your dh but I do feel for her. She is a single mum and is clearly
struggling. I was very scared of doing anything with my newborn alone when she arrived - I didn’t go
into certain coffee shops because they had steps up to them and I didn’t know how to it with a pram. I also didn’t go on a train until
baby was about six months as I was just so anxious and lacking confidence. Had I been a single mum I would have probably taken even longer to leave the house!

yes she shouldn’t text dh but I do think this woman might be showing early
signs of pnd or at the very least is having a very difficult time. She needs help and I think you and dh should both do so when you can.