To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

Because the OP will undoubtedly report her to social services if she thinks the baby’s being left alone in the flat 3 floors up.

She's not asking 'community' though...

“It takes a village” doesn’t mean “I can choose one of my neighbours and make them do whatever I want them to do”.

If she has PND she needs to see a GP, not get OP’s husband doing her chores.

living with the OP i reckon.

Seriously though, she cant be putting all this on you and your husband.

So true. You will be the problem and it will all be your fault. Nip this in the bud

@Wingingit11 , the 'it takes a village' does not mean slagging off a neighbour for caring that boundaries are being overstepped.

@Babycarrierdilemma , it's already in emotional affair territory.
She's knocking on your door for favours when you are there and when it's only him there, and he's lapping up the being the knight in shining armour to the damsel in distress.

What?

DH is 100% trying to hit that.

That's an important point, and one I'd be making to your husband if he backslides into White Knighting for The Damsel In Distress next door.

You have been where she is now, and you managed without expecting your neighbour to jump when you snapped your fingers. You had a problem (stairs) and found a way round it all by yourself (carrier not pram). She had a problem (stairs) and her chosen way round it is to stroke your husband's ego so that he does the lifting and carrying for her. Not on! I think it was kind of you to give her the carriers so that she can be independent.

Similarly she can manage her own groceries. Most of us do; I was humping shopping up stairs for years before deliveries were even a thing.

"We had a chat this morning as last night dh just wasn’t wanting to speak to me at all. He’s said that he can see my point of view and if it’s a deal breaker then fair enough he was just trying to be helpful and told me I should have been proud of that."
Proud? Watching your husband being a bit gullible and easily-played? Yes he was being helpful - but he should also be capable of seeing he was being taken for a mug, and gently discouraged it. Because in the long run, it's not actually kind in the slightest to allow someone to become dependant upon your help. There will be times when you just wouldn't be there to help (e.g. holiday) and then where are they? So no; I wouldn't feel proud watching my husband be played and in his turn facilitating/encouraging helplessness in another to feed his own ego/ Big I Am.

God people are selfish. Whats the harm in helping? I give my NDN a lift most days and babysit when I can. There is no harm in inconveniencing ourselves for others

@DaringlyDizzy , Does your wife object? Does NDN ask for your help when you are WFH, and your wife is at work?

Does your NDN, knock on your door wanting help at 9 p.m. when you are with your family watching a film?

Does your NDN give you a sob story about your wife being mean to her?

This is awful and you are stuck in the middle.
How are you being unkind ?
I can understand maybe her getting her own shopping occasionally from the entrance and you listen out for the baby but why is it anyone else's responsibility?
30 years ago I was in a first floor flat and I had to throw the folded pram down the stairs ( sounds ridiculous but I wasn't going to leave the baby alone in the flat and I couldn't carry him at the same time)
This won't end unless you put a stop to it , she will rely on him more and more , your husband should put a stop to it.
He shouldn't be giving her lifts .

I'd be so pissed off if my husband had expected me to manage the stairs with a baby and then the same stairs with a baby and small child, but then considered that another woman couldn't possibly be expected to manage these very same stairs and he had to step in.

Ah, that’s beautiful- you should set it to music

It comes down to the fact that she wants a husband, and she has found one. Unfortunately its not HER husband.

The texts about crying etc are such obvious manipulation. Its an unpalatable fact that there really are some women who will go out to deliberately steal another womans husband. And lets face it, targetting the right area on most men will work in at least getting him in her bed if not away from his wife. Again, unpleasant but true.

So the OP is doing exactly the right thing to shine a light on this at the start to prevent it escalating.

@Babycarrierdilemma did you point out to your husband that he expected you to manage by yourself at that stage with your own children? What was his reaction? I am going to guess that "that was different".

Also, an interpretive dance

🤣

For 1 minute?

Most days? thats a bit selfish isnt it? OP's husband was helping multiple times a day so clearly much more kind and caring than you

Nope. 5 minutes. Actually 10, because she will have to make more than one trip.

This is very unfair to women who don't find it possible to carry a baby and a pushchair up 3 flights of stairs. Not everyone is equally strong, or physically able, or has enough sleep and energy. I certainly found it debilitating and frightening, as I could have dropped my baby.

I didn't find trains so difficult except when there were huge gaps between the platform and the train (once my toddler fell down the gap when people on the train stepped backwards as we were getting on, pushing him off). Buses were extremely nerve-wracking because the drivers sometimes closed the doors and drove off while I was still getting the pushchair or shopping on or off.

Pretending things that are actually very difficult indeed are easy because you happened to have more physical strength, sleep, or other resources (what single parent with a small baby has enough money for a taxi, by the way?!) is just calculated to push struggling mothers further into isolation and depression.

But if you know you are going to struggle then you find work arounds, just as the OP did. Baby slings for example. Or living in a ground floor flat.

Expecting the rest of the world to jump to because you chose to live somewhere that you would struggle with is not reasonable at all!

Yes. He was—although “multiple” is doing a LOT of heavy lifting!

And?

Our NDN is a single mum and has asked us for help a couple of times. Once she needed help with her car and since I’ve only ever driven electric cars, I had no idea so DH went to help. Difference is, this was a random one off. We’d happily take parcels in for one another, offer use of something if needed I.e hedge trimmer. Whatever.

This woman is taking the royal piss expecting help daily. How anyone doesn’t see why this would feel intrusive is crazy. Imagine trying to relax in the evening and having the neighbour knock to ask you to help take her food shop upstairs! As I say, were this an elderly neighbour or one with mobility issues then whatever. Also if it was a one off then sure. She asks constantly.

OP, I would also be wary of how your DH has rolled over so easily and agreed to stop helping. I seriously think you’re in dangerous territory here with him WFH. You need the doorbell for peace of mind. I have a feeling he’s said that to appease you but will still continue to help when you’re not around.

And where is anything in the OP to suggest that she would "undoubtedly" contact SS?