To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

Is your husband triangulating this?

Like her saying you've been mean, has he said something along the lines of "well I don't mind helping you at all, it's my wife that is the problem"?

If so, it would also make me consider separation, because that's a lack of united front.

She also needs to get a grip. What if you were out for the day or on holiday? She'd have to find a way to manage.

You can get roller trolleys that you can move up and down stairs, so easy to decant your shopping in and pull up the stairs even with a baby in a carrier.

If she doesn't drive and just does short distances in taxis, she could even get a doona car seat that turns into a pram, so no transferring of the baby is needed, and it's easy to carry up and down stairs.

Her lack of planning is not your problem to fix and if she doesn't start trying to find solutions this problem will never end.

Yes, and it's annoying. If it's already happening with Amazon, the postman, Ocado, the Mormons etc, you don't need another one. And at least with those you pretty much just have to open the door and take the parcel or whatever, but what if they're in the middle of something and this neighbour wants a hand and DH cuts off the conversation and is out for ten minutes or more helping her downstairs and then getting back up? Hardly the same as a quick open door, 'thanks', shut door and back to it.

What happened to be kind? It was weaponised against women who had chosen to set clear boundaries within their lives.
‘This girl’ should seek support from her midwife, health visitor, social services or family/friends if she’s struggling. Not someone else’s husband.

As harsh as this is, she needs to suck it up. When my ds was born we lived on the 3rd floor no lifts. I'd carry ds in his carry up on flight then run back down and bring the pram and repeat. If I had shopping then did that with that as well. It wasn't fun but is what it is.

told me I should have been proud of that.
That's annoying but overall it sounds like you've understood each other and come to a good solution.

Since it is a block of flats, OP always has the option of hitting all the intercom buttons are shouting, "Get your own damn man! Superintendent, you have a whore in the building!" etc.

Wow. Community is everywhere, no?!

You’ve done the right thing Op by nipping this in the bud now. Not only is she massively cheeky but she’s also very manipulative trying to turn your DH against you! Glad he has seen sense & agreed to step back.

Weird how the be kind trope doesn't seem to apply to NDN slagging someone off behind their back to their spouse.

Yes, I thought the same thing!

However, I have noticed in many threads that #bekind often only goes one way. Funny that!

In my opinion, the fact she messaged your husband after you had been round tells me you were right to do so. I would have done the same.

I used a harness carrier with my DD until
she was over 6 months. Made traveling and stairs really easy. She will have to learn away of dealing with this. Would it be safe to store a buggy downstairs is there a place in the flats where they would allow this?
it’s not your regular job to do - but I do feel for her x

I love that film!

Yeah fair play to you @Babycarrierdilemma you were right to nip this right in the bud, I hope this is the end of it now for you 💐

I'd be fuming. She's using your partner as a substitute partner/baby's dad and he's letting her and putting her above you, no way should you tolerate this from either of them. It wouldn't surprise me if that's what she's aiming for. I'd show DH the replies on here if I'm honest as he needs to wake up and smell the coffee. This isn't normal.

Next time she comes round you could offer to call social services as she is clearly struggling

I had two babies in a top floor flat. I just coped and would never have dreamed of bothering neighbours in this way. I would carry my baby up the stairs, put him in a bouncer/cot and nip down to get the pram. Or buy a lock for the pram and leave it downstairs.

Yes its hard, going up and down stairs and carry a baby but it is what it is.

Texting someone's husband like a damsel in the distress being upset like that is really not ok. I would have been really unhappy if my dh would have entertained those tears. It is really inappropriate.

Since you’ve come to an agreement with your OH, have you also told him that aside from the help interrupting your lives, it’s making you feel insecure because he’s prioritising another woman over you? I would be asking him to message her back to make it clear he is with YOU and you two are a united front. This could very easily become a situation where he still assists her when you aren’t there and/or him sympathising with her upset via text. So I think you need to be really clear here, and get him to also view how he feels about her.

That thought that H is the father went through my head too....

if someone needs help several times per day then their living arrangements are clearly unsuitable.If you can't manage the stairs you can't live on second floor, seems logical.

It’s a bit suspect that he works from home and she’s constantly around too. Lots of opportunity there. I would keep an eye on this.

It’s always the pretty single women that DHs want to help isnt it. If it was 45 year old Fat Barry who smells a bit constantly knocking on for help then I am sure he would be on the same page as you about the daily intrusions.

That she feels comfortable enough to slag you off to him, and he backs HER, says something about their relationship already. Watch out.

I could not tolerate any of this.

The only thing i would have done different is addressing it with DH before telling her you wouldn't be helping any more... by telling her first, you've given her space to complain to your DH about it, while not making sure he is onside first.

She is expecting your DH to act like a partner to her. Fuck that.

What is really worrying is that your DH doesn't seem to mind and is taking her side. Time for a serious chat with him.

Its not "a tad annoying" and its not "a couple of minutes". You're actually making the OP's point for her, if it wasn't a big deal there would be no need for you to minimise or reframe it in the way you've tried to do here.

How the fuck is he prioritising her over the OP? In case the OP urgently needs his help at the exact 5 minutes the neighbour does?