To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

He needs to examine why he loves helping. I assume you mean loves helping others, he’s getting something out of it , ego boost or whatever - does he only feel good enough when he’s doing acts of service ? Does he think k people will only like him if he does stuff, is that very important to him.

Oh, well done you! I hope your’re proud of yourself.

@Babycarrierdilemma ....if it’s a deal breaker then fair enough he was just trying to be helpful

A deal breaker? So you told your husband that if he continued to help this woman, you'd divorce him?

Jesus.

And you think that's reasonable?

It’s actually the constant interruptions to our day and then the way she went to dh saying I had upset her it felt as if she crossed a line.

Yep 👏this.

She went behind your back, end of.

Op has every right to be proud for standing up to this manipulative troublemaker.

Yes I did say that because it went above and beyond just helping occasionally. It was impacting us. Even in evenings wanting help if delivery driver wouldn’t take the shopping up and on a couple of occasions we were watching a film and it’s just caused an issue , an interruption and an atmosphere.

She did cross a line.
You’ve done the right thing talking to your DH about it. Now you are a united front.

I also lived on a 2nd floor flat when our first baby was born. My husband worked long hours. I would never have asked for help. When you have a baby in a sling you have 2 free hands. I think the neighbour needs to learn how to manage.

I'd this post is real. You need to be careful.

Your husband is WFH and you work away.

You don't know what she could be planning or what they could get up to if you're not home.

Might be worth getting a ring( or equivalent) doorbell if you don't already have one

Some random has entered your relationship and is now causing problems. She's not a friend or relative. Yes the occasional assistance to a neighbour but she has now crossed the line coming between you two. Block - she'll soon find someone else to manipulate.

Yes someone else mentioned a ring doorbell I think it’s worth it just in case

She's got him wrapped round her fingers.

The cheek of it!

Going to her husband to complain. Sounds really manipulative. Regardless of what you've agreed I doubt this is the end of it.

Get the ring( or equivalent)doorbell. This way you'll know how often she's knocking on your door when you're not home

This could easily escalate to a harassment case and I'd try to keep records of all future communications.

Your DH would be fairly foolish to be alone with her again.

This is literally a rando. What's bizarre is the DH's reaction, just agreeing to it all.

Genuinely helpless women don't go and bitch to a man she barely knows about his wife.
She thought your husband could be manipulated and she was right.
I wouldn't be one bit happy with him at all.
He completely overstepped last night sulking OP.
Huge red flag in your relationship. Huge.

As for her, I would tell her to keep away from me.

@CurlewKate no op isn't the bad guy here.

It's perfectly reasonable to have boundaries in a relationship and if Op DH had any sense he would have set them himself.

I've been the single mum in this scenario, no way did I go round leaning heavily on married men. It's clearly inappropriate and disrespectful. L ok

Helping out the odd time is one thing but she’s wanting help everyday rather than finding longer term solutions to whatever she’s struggling with- getting out and about etc. good for you for knocking it on the head now rather than waiting months or longer and getting more and more pissed off.

i agree with others that this woman has been quite manipulative going crying to your husband because you were “mean” to her. I’d be pissed off with my husband for being so daft to get taken in. She’s obviously used to getting her own way by using this tactic- learned helplessness and then crying when people say no.

And you're quite right on both those issues.

OP, strongly recommend you take a very hard look at your husband.

Are you married long, have children?
He sided with her far too easily.
Not the actions of a loving loyal man at all.

Crying to your husband about how mean you are crosses such a huge fucking line it isn’t even funny. He can be as innocent as can be but she is trying to husband your husband. She needs him and you’re a mean old witch taking him away. Absolutely not. She is playing the victim, she can’t cope and she can’t do anything herself.

What would she be doing if she lived elsewhere?? I’d be telling her if she can’t cope with her DC or manage to leave the house with her then it’s time to get SS involved, not your DH.

Id be careful and make sure that youre actually allowed one and wont be infringing on her privacy, if as you say, her door is directly opposite yours

Is it a buzzer entry system type building with flats in? Id be surprised if you can have a camera in a communal area

It probably would have been better to discuss this with DH before going to here. However you were right to nip it in the bud. The demands for help will increase. The fact she went back to your husband and complained about you is worrying. I agree with the suggestion of a ringdoor bell or similar and strongly advise your husband not to be alone with her. I suggest that you both block her number. In an emergency I am sure she can knock on your door.

it's not just 'some help' though, it's at least daily, for things for which there are other solutions, and it's creeping, from help up and down the stairs to lifts to appointments (and presumably waiting around and driving her back too).

I get this might be a tad annoying but what happened to be kind and “it takes a village” where she happens to be single? Your DH is not bothered, stop being defensive of your relationship unless you think there is a vulnerability. This girl is probably having the hardest time of her life and shedding many a tear behind closed doors. Does a couple of minutes to you matter in that context ?!