To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

@Notatallanamechange "Some women on mumsnet really are
utterly obsessed with everyone being out to steal their man, and everything being a sign of it."

So you'd be absolutely cool with a neighbour asking your DH every single day (sometimes twice a day) to help her carry shopping, give her lifts, help with the pram etc etc? She's young, fit and pretty - not old and disabled. And she's also messaging him, and only him, and complaining about his wife. Regardless of whether she's trying to steal the man or not, I personally don't know anyone who wouldn't be a teeny bit irritated (or more realistically fucked right off) by this level of intrusion.

This. The neighbour has already crossed a line by doing this. She's not as helpless as she makes out. And let's face it, if the neighbour was 92yr old Bert, then I doubt the DH would be so keen to help.

The neighbour wanting help shouldn't be an issue but its become one because you are now arguing over it. At the end of the day she needs to learn to cope - while it might only be a short stage for pram etc where will it end once baby is a toddler will she become so dependent on your dh that she asks him to look after the child? Household jobs, diy etc I also wouldn't be happy that when hes busy and not replying she's bothering you why did he give her your number!

I think this is wise advice. The problem isn’t helping another woman in need of a bit of support at all, but that this woman is looking increasingly like a serious liability all round.
(A top floor flat was really a barking mad choice for her, unless she had already presumed on 24/7 help and an emotional crutch being available, which is pretty mindboggling of her)

She surely has access to assistance from some part of the health service, a GP at the very least if the birth has discombobulated her, but continued fetching and carrying like this isn’t a good idea when the person is already very emotionally manipulative where you two are concerned.

I think OP is absolutely right to want this to end right now, and it’s not about possessiveness or being mean-spirited. The neighbour has already created an unsettling atmosphere, and I’d say safety, on one plane or other, is a concern now, and they are walking straight into trouble.

I think I'd go round, with DH and sit down with neighbour and explain. DH is there too, to listen to both points of view; he might take it more seriously you explaining that it is impacting your time together and her reaction might be more telling if he is actually there. If he is very obviously siding with neighbour against his wife who is sitting right there telling them both that it's making her unhappy, and neighbour can sit and listen to it and still say 'yeah, but what about ME' without any indication that she has sympathy and understanding... Well, it might not sort out the issue but it might make OP see her DH in a new light.

This is not at all why women have post partum depression. What a stupidly ignorant thing to say!

I think this would be totally inappropriate - she’s a random neighbour that they’ve known a matter of weeks - she doesn’t get an equal say with OP on what OP’s DH does, she has no right to be treated like she’s worthy of input in their marriage, her “point of view” is completely irrelevant here.

OP needs to speak to her DH, explain that it’s not appropriate, and then DH needs to tell the neighbour to stop bothering them. End of.

We had a chat this morning as last night dh just wasn’t wanting to speak to me at all. He’s said that he can see my point of view and if it’s a deal breaker then fair enough he was just trying to be helpful and told me I should have been proud of that. I said I am to a certain extent but it’s become a burden to us ? We’ve agreed that we won’t respond to requests for help anymore from her (unless obviously some kind of actual emergency).

Yes I would be absolutely cool with that. I would find it incredibly unattractive if my dp wasn’t prepared to help a neighbour with a young baby living on the 3rd floor. Mind you, I’m also certain that my dp would not seize the opportunity,in the 5 minutes it would take him to carry the pram upstairs, to have a quick shag.

Be a Miss Marple here.

If you don't have one, get a ring doorbell, to check on her approaches to your door when you are not there.

Block her number from your phone. But check DH phone for her messages AND his replies. ( yep, that's a bit mean, but needs must sometimes!)

No point in thinking something's going on, get proof that it is or isn't. Worth it rather than it going over and over in your head I'd say.

Help in emergency only.

I'd want to kill her and DH TBH.

(edit missed your latest post, I see things have moved on somewhat after your chat with DH, but I'd still keep an eye out 😉)

Exactly! - women get post partum depression due to hormonal/chemical imbalances after birth. Women can get PPD even when they have an entire extended family to help them and lots of people around them who love them. Or, is that poster suggesting its entirely the OP's fault this woman has depression (self diagnosed of course by them, a person online who doesnt even know her)

He seems happy with it. So OP needs to sort her shit communication with her husband, and not barrel on round and give a totally different message to the woman, who is only asking for help because the husband has encouraged it.

Jesus wept. Imagine a men saying to do this to watch their wives because they bloody helped someone.

Well done. Hopefully in a week or two she will start using the baby slings you gave her. It will do her the world of good, she needs to learn how to cope on her own.

From little acorns do big oaks grow m'dear. It's not just helping in an emergency is it.

Absolutely agree with all you’ve said. Horrified that poster so ignorantly thinks women get PPD because their neighbours don’t want to carry their shopping for them.

According to her update she has, and he has agreed to stop.

Good job too!

Th minute she texted my DH to bitch about me would be the end of all help from both of us. Cheeky cow.

I agree with this. If she was really a poor misfortunate woman in need, then she should not have been so devious to come between a husband and wife.

@Babycarrierdilemma is the problem partly because he expected you just to manage similar logistic challenges without going out of his way to help, whereas he is much more responsive the the NDN? I think that would definitely annoy me to and make me feel taken for granted.

Brill! As it should have been dealt with to begin with

OP, I'm pleased to hear that having slept on it your DH has now been able to understand your concerns, and has agreed to back off from his role as 'Knight in Shining Armour'.

However, as a PP said, I would still be keeping an eye on the situation, as he may have decided to keep quiet about giving his assistance in the future, so don't get too comfortable where this young woman is concerned.

This. I wouldn’t want to be on the clock but if I was around and doing nothing then I would be happy to oblige.

I would just say no to a lift if it didn’t suit.

I don’t get the red line approach - unless you are worried about your partner getting too close

She's young, fit and pretty- that's the problem, isn't it?

This^
And OP - your DH should know this, not be sulking, for goodness sake.