To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

There is a big difference between genuine disability and learnt helplessness. No one should begrudge the former, but the latter is annoying.

You need to not engage any longer, this will end up a problem one way or another....where is the baby's dad in all this?

Now that’s a reach! The number of times I’ve been disturbed in the middle of an in-depth conversation by Amazon, the postman, Ocado, the Mormons….

The absolute CHEEK of her texting your husband. I would go absolutely livid at this tactic. You need to cut her off completely and look after your own house. Have absolutely nothing more to do with her. Give her the details of the Public Health Nurse and ignore her. Sneaky snake.

Well dh is actually sulking and told me he can’t believe he is with someone so uncaring

As for this I would be telling him to wind his neck in and ask him exactly what impression he has given this woman for her to think she can go behind your back and message him slagging his wife off. You told her no and that should have been the end of it.

Absolutely not acceptable from either of them. Put your foot down hard.

I agree, go HARD on this one.

Good grief, you need to put a stop to this now. She's asking you and messaging you to help her every single day?

This is only going to escalate- trust me. When the baby gets a bit older she will be expecting you to babysit daily, or asking your DH to watch the child whilst he WFH so she can go out to work.

After all, it would be so cruel to not allow a single mother a chance to bring in an income wouldnt it? what kind of heartless monster would say no to that....

Some women on mumsnet really are
utterly obsessed with everyone being out to steal their man, and everything being a sign of it. It’s frankly fucking baffling, and really sad that that’s the only conclusion you come to, totally discounting a woman with a young baby who has been receiving help suddenly having someone turn up and tell her to stop asking for help. When the husband has clearly told her to ask for help when she needs it.

The only problem is the shit communication between OP and her husband. The neighbour he has been offering to help is frankly victim to their shit communication.

I agree she needs to help herself but it wasn't for you to speak for your husband. I would be very angry if my husband made decisions for me. You can tell her you can't help her anymore but you should leave him to speak for himself

She must have known her circumstances when she took a flat that wasn't on the ground floor or had a lift. It's not hard to take a pram up on your own one step at a time.

What would she do if DH was out? I had two DC two and under at one point and out house has twenty steps down to the front door. I managed for years, not because I was alone, DH worked long hours.

She'll be wanting him to do all her DIY next, surely when he's working he doesn't want the constant disturbance? He needs to shut this down now.

I've also seen these things end very badly. I'm sure you can imagine. Just because you see it far more clearly for what it is, doesn't make you mean and uncaring. Tall fences make for good neighbours...

Absolutely. If he's so desperate to help her, he can move in with her.

So VERY this. I suppose it does reflect a bit how shit some men are-but really…..

But sadly its all too common. The 'helpless young woman' knows exactly what she's doing.

You were happy to help for a temporary period when it seemed like she would need it most. That is generous in itself.

She has carried on and made you + your husband her "go to" for every difficulty. It is too much to expect you to help indefinitely. You were not "unkind" and your husband is letting himself be played.

When the husband has clearly told her to ask for help when she needs it

Disingenuous. Helping a neighbour out is not the same as an expectation that it will be many times a day whilst he is meant to be working.

She needs to do what my work colleague did, she had two in a top floor flat, no lift. One infant one toddler, she took the pram down and put the bike lock on it connected it to the stair rails, them took the kids down, same in reverse coming home, took kids up stuck them in the cot and playpen then got the pram. This was before grocery deliveries too.

and you would want to stay with this man exactly why?

It's really worrying and a massive red flag. I'm actually not sure what I'd do at this point, because the OP is now in a really awkward situation of looking like the bad guy, thus driving the narrative the DH is obviously lapping up and which is giving him quite the dopamine hit of him being the hero. Could really escalate. I think I'd tell my husband that this risks their relationship and tell him it's his choice if he'd rather be with someone else. I would say the NDN is pretty unstable, but clearly the DH is blinded.

She looks like the bad guy because she IS the bad guy!

Agree @BellesAndGraces he is putting himself in a precarious position. If she is prepared to complain about OP then that shows a manipulative streak. What if this gets to the point where he jumps every time and when he doesn’t she makes an allegation about him? “He insisted on helping me all the time. I felt uncomfortable refusing and now he’s assaulted me Officer”. That may sound like a catastrophizing idea but it happens. Helping to a point is fine but he needs to be unavailable sometimes and he needs to say “no’ as a matter of principle on a regular basis. I think he’s a sitting duck right now.

I'd leave him to it. When he has to do it all because you're not doing any he'll soon realise.

so she is completely alone with a newborn?

I do think your attitude is a bit on the mean side!!

Could you check in with her have a cup of tea and get to know her?

Trhis is honestly why we have a MH crisis in this country.

A woman completely on her own!! with a tiny baby - has found a friendly neighbour and there is nuts talk of her stealing a man and people saying 'be HARD on this' . this is why people have post partum depression

She's already triangulated them by complaining to her husband about her, creating an us and you scenario.
Unbelievable.
Highly manipulative.

Agree. Some of the posts on here are so depressing. This woman is struggling. She definitely doesn’t need OPs DH caping for her but she does need some advice to get her to be more independent. I despise this competition some women set up in their heads about this woman stealing OPs DH.