To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

There seems to be lots of jealous women here who struggled alone as single mothers begrudging another single mum for asking for (and getting) some help. Let’s not set the bar so low, eh?

I dont agree with this- I think people are saying they coped because they feel asking for help several times DAILY is ridiculously excessive. I am happy to help out my neighbours if I can, but I certainly wouldnt expect them to be asking me several times a day. That is intrusive and frankly, weird. Its taking advantage to be asking that much and its definitely crossing a boundary.

How does she manage if you’re on holiday? Maybe you could book some time away to break the habit (for both of them).

What I don’t understand is why, if you were with a man who would have an affair with a pretty neighbour because she asked him for help, you would consider staying with him! He is obviously an unfaithful dickhead you’d be better off without.

YANBU to set boundaries but I don't think she's necessarily being unreasonable to be seeking some help from people around her if she's on her own.

It's definitely unreasonable for people to be assuming she's trying to crack onto your husband. He can help a woman with a pram if he damn well likes.

She doesn't sound like a CF, she sounds like someone who's always had everything done for her, and doesn't know any different. Might I suggest she's young? Never had a job? Comes from a household where no-one ever had a job? Everything has been handed to her? She's had a baby (presumably not planned) with someone who's disappeared, and has absolutely no concept of consequence of these actions. She's up two flights of stairs with a baby and a pram and never gave a second thought to how this will be handled - because she's never had to think about it. Free house, as expected. Now there's a bit of a problem, but she doesn't see it as her problem to solve. She probably has no idea that what she's constantly asking for is out of line. Nice that your husband likes to help, but this woman needs to figure out the ways of the world.

She really shouldn't have moved into a place that she has to carry a pram up and down the stairs. What if your husband wasn't there?. I think you should let him keep helping with the pram. Compromise with your husband that he can help with the pram when he is available but nothing else.

I’d be suspicious personally but maybe that’s just me… Do you have a Ring doorbell or anything? With your DH WFH especially and you going to work, I’d just watch it. Especially since you mentioned she’s ’young and pretty’, and particularly given his reaction towards you not wanting to constantly drop everything to help her… I think he fancies her and there’s a danger that with her currently feeling vulnerable and lonely, this could turn into something if it hasn’t already.

Fuck me that's a fair story you've completely made up.

Sounds like she already is with the message about the crying etc.

You've really played into her hands by speaking for your husband without talking to him about it first. Now they're both talking about how mean and unfair you are and it's you against them. You need to get on the same page as your husband because it should be the two of you as a married couple against the demands of your needy neighbour.

I had a C-section and there are steps outside of my house but I would never expect any neighbour to be at my beck and call for appointments or walks or shopping. She needs to cultivate some resilience and independence, relying on neighbours for everything isn't good for her either.

I would say husband is reasonably young if op still has baby carriers. Lol

Are you actually kidding? Women are constantly blamed for things, including things that aren't their fault.

It maybe ok sometimes, but what if you were having an in depth conversation or something and then she knocks on the door. It's disruptive. People have a right to peace and quiet when they shut their front doors.

I don’t disagree it was too much. However, I can understand a woman with a young baby getting upset, potentially feeling a bit abandoned, if she wasn’t aware there was any issue. Which is sounds she wasn’t as your husband has been happy to help. So you turning up at the door ‘here’s a baby carrier, you’re too much’ was probably upsetting and embarrassing for her.

Genuinely I think you should have resolved this with your husband first, rather than jumping to basically telling someone you don’t want to help thel anymore, when he has obviously being saying it’s not a problem. It’s not her fault you both aren’t on the same page.

Agree with this, I'd tell her you cannot assist any longer.

Going behind your back that would be it for me.

She needs to sort herself out.

It is her fault she thought it was ok to slag a wife off to her husband though.

I agree. She is massively taking the piss and being incredibly rude considering how helpful you have both been to her. Bloody hell.

MN has a weird obsession with helping NDNs. When it's a family member they advise to cut them off for the slightest thing and go no contact because you dont owe them anything. When its a NDN you are meant to become their carer/personal assistant/butler and basically do whatever they ask because #bekind

Going behind your back that would be it for me.

Same here. And I would tell her this too

You shouldn’t have intervened without his knowledge. He isn’t your property or employee that you can choose whether or not to lend out, he is a free agent.

Your pov is not unreasonable but you could have spoken with him about the impact and how you could help her manage more independently.

I would be furious if my partner told someone else what I was and was not ‘allowed’ to do.

The parents thing is a bit harsh! I hVe a 2 month old and my parents never visit cos they're both dead!!!

Yeah. Wait until she starts asking for babysitting when the kid is a bit older. I would nip this in the bud now. Sit down with husband, apologize for overstepping by talking for him and then explain in a reasonable way how this is impacting you. Give him some future scenarios such as if he's sick to think about.

There’s helping a neighbour and then there’s helping a neighbour!
I can’t believe she thinks she’s being reasonable and I can’t believe your husband can’t see how ridiculous the situation is.
I get that she’s possibly struggling on her own with a new baby but you and your husband shouldn’t be her crutch.

He gave her both our numbers

This really feeds into the narrative that it was no coincidence this woman moved in next door.

It smacks of hiding in plain site because if he she just had his number you would, quite rightly,have been asking why she has his number.

This is crazy.

She sounds like she doesn’t understand boundaries and if you give her an inch she’ll take a mile, so you do need to just stop helping her completely or she will keep pushing.

The fact your (idiot) husband doesn’t seem to see any issue with it suggests he’s actually enjoying this whole thing, though he obviously won’t appreciate having this pointed out to him so you may need to tread carefully.

The fact that she has gone behind your back and messaged your DH is very sneaky indeed and I would be rescinding all offers of nicety and sending her a message telling her not to message again if I’m being honest!