To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

I agree, but also possibly a hypocrite.

Must be difficult for her to get a pram and baby safely up and down the stairs on her own. I wouldn’t think a neighbour a cf if they asked for help with this. If DH is fine helping with pram then that seems reasonable but she should be sorting her own taxi etc

CF she may be (and absolutely is), but I’d be really pissed off if I was the DH and you’d taken it upon yourself to speak for me. If his desire to help (however motivated) is causing difficulties between you it’s him it’s between you and him to sort out, not for you to warn her off.

If the neighbour happens to be in the hall at the same time then of course ask them to help. Call them several times a day to drop what they are doing and leave their home to help you? Nah. Find a solution.

The more I think about this the more suspicious I am about her texting him directly. Is it possible this has moved into the territory of an emotional affair? Or more?

It’s much easier to catch a married man than a single one, because his frame of comparison is his wife, and not all the single ladies. I think your dh is being played for a fool here. The question now is, how big a fool is he?

You’ve cast yourself as the unfeeling witch against her vulnerable damsel in distress - you need to rewrite this fairytale fast!

Complaining to your husband about you is a red flag to me, sorry. DH is a dumbass if he can't see that. As for the stairs, she can make two trips up, baby first then back down for the pram, or buy a bicycle lock and chain and chain it downstairs.

Yes she is definitely giving the impression that for some reason your H actually owes her the help a partner would normally give.

And the fact she is comfortable complaining to him about you OP shows a level of expectation that he should prioritise her.

It will be very telling if he actually goes ahead with giving her the lift to her appointment. If he does you will definitely know the level of attachment they have that the texting behind your back and his sulking are already worryingly indicating.

I don't see why any of this is your family's problem! You've been helpful to her, but she's taking the piss now

Red flags all over this. I once dated a guy that got friendly with the single how parent downstairs. It was very overfamiliar but I never said anything. We split over something else but I found out he very quickly had a baby with her 🤷‍♀️

Id be wondering why does she have no support network?? Where’s the father???

She really needs to learn how to navigate public transport with baby, with or without pushchair, its a basic life skill

Apologies if what I said has offended you, that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm talking about women who deliberately act helpless and look to others to deal with any slight issue or problem, instead of taking responsibility for themselves and their situation.
Having a disability and needing support is a completely different scenario to what the OPs neighbour is doing.

Tbh, I wouldn’t have intervened without talking to DH first and making sure we were both in agreement.
I think you’re right, but could have handled it better. Perhaps that’s a place you can have conversations from?

I'd go nuclear and I'm seriously laid back.

I'd be telling her to fuck right off.

She is a total menace. I would really step away and block her on line and phone calls. She has overstepped the mark here. I wouldn't trust her an inch. She is a user.

How dare you equate disability with helplessness! My DD has a disability and she is as far from helpless as one could possibly be. If someone described her as helpless she would quite rightly be confused.

I would be quite happy if all those people who think having a disability equals helplessness lived in a different society.

I agree, @EarthSight. It’s the claim she has staked and the bubble they have formed together.

@Babycarrierdilemma, your marriage is under threat. Your H is on a slippery slope as he is investing elsewhere and marginalizing you.

During the past 3 months he and young, attractive NDN have been bonding and enjoying mutual validation as he plays her rescuer. This KISA/Damsel dynamic can be highly intoxicating as emotional intimacy and reliance build and flourish in the absence of strong boundaries, often resulting in EAs and PAs.

It is you and them now. You’re being sidelined as his allegiance shifts to her and your feelings are devalued and dismissed. When you drew a line with her, she was confident that she could manipulate him with her crocodile tears and that he would jump to protect her against meany you. It worked - he is now creating further distance between you by sulking, belittling, and name-calling to make you back off.

Their inappropriate behavior is breaching your peace and damaging your marriage. I too would have declared his continued prioritization of her and her demands a dealbreaker. He needs to understand that he will experience the loss of you if he doesn’t close this window. You will need to keep a close watch, @Babycarrierdilemma. They may go underground when you’re not around.

Totally agree! (From another disabled but very far from helpless person)

What I don’t understand is why, if you were with a man who would have an affair with a pretty neighbour because she asked him for help, you would consider staying with him! He is obviously an unfaithful dickhead you’d be better off without.

I think I would go around and say
You have to find a way to manage on your own, it is disturbing us on a daily basis and our lives and it is going to continue. Choices are - pram in bike store, locked etc down stairs or baby in carrier and small foldable pram that you walk down.

I had a baby and a child on my own (husband left) and I never asked anyone for help the logistics are yours to manage.

You telling my husband that I am unkind is out of order - totally out of order.

I would be having words with my husband, there is helping and enabling - she needs to be able to parent alone.

Lots of different things going on in these comments.

I agree that the OP was out of line in speaking for her DH (as was he in giving the NDN her number).

There seems to be lots of jealous women here who struggled alone as single mothers begrudging another single mum for asking for (and getting) some help. Let’s not set the bar so low, eh?

A NDN isn’t a random stranger and it says a lot about our society that some people think it is.

If people say the OP has to rein her man in because otherwise he’ll have an affair with a young single mum with a 4 month old baby - well, if he’s that kind of guy it doesn’t matter what the OP does, and she should be arranging to leave him already, yes?

It sounds over the top the amount that she’s asking. The OP doesn’t need to get involved, she can ignore her messages if they are inconvenient, and respond as and when she likes. But so can her DH - that’s surely up to him.

I'd help a neighbour sometimes, especially someone alone and justifiably finding lifting, carrying and logistics hard.
But this is obviously one of those situations where there's been 'creep' and a favour now and then is turning into something she expects.
She's behaved very badly and manipulatively complaining to your DH about you. I'd stop the help just based on this.
He's behaved just as badly giving her your number and now telling you you're unkind and sulking instead of discussing it like an adult.

It sounds like she is struggling. It is worth reporting to the local HV team that you are concerned about her.

I would point out how ungrateful she is being for all the times he has been kind when it wasn't his responsibility and her attitude is unfair and manipulative for deliberately trying to guilt trip.

He never had to do that, but it's got too much and she's impinging on your freedom and lives and turning around in this way is throwing everything he has done back in his face and really only serves to distance yourselves further as a result of her behaviour.

She needs to cope by herself.

I agree with you but wondered if I was being unreasonable? I told my husband about this, he thinks she is massively taking liberties. He first 5 wrrks i eould have done the same as you, because if c section implications. But its been 16 weeks! She's trying to push her problems onto you and getting you both to fill in her partners role. You need to nip that in the bud. She is being very cheeky and emotionally manipulative.

You should ignore the door. Or be firm e.g. tell her to use the carrier, leave the baby in the cot while she grabs the shopping. Where are her parents? Do they never visit? If they don't then that's very telling. If you do see them, then have a word with them. Explain you're concerned as she doesn't seem to be coping with the pram or getting to appointments.

She's making him feel good about himself. You're trying to take that away.

Dangerous territory.