To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

You did the right thing OP! I was a single parent from when my dc was a baby and I wouldn't dream of asking a neighbour for help (unless it was a medical emergency). I can't imagine asking every day!

It was difficult, especially things like getting shopping out of the car (1 bag at a time whilst carrying baby) and paying for deliveries, removals, handmen when some things are impossible with a tiny baby, but you just have to get on with it. The train is fine, though you have to ask the train staff for help.

She does need to learn to do things herself. Lots of women cope. Your DH needs to read the above and understand his first priority is your marriage.

Because both the op and neighbour appear to be contributing to doormat behaviour?

I agree. The NDN's manipulative behaviour is bad enough, but the real worry is OP's DH's response to it. I hope OP knows her DH really well and there isn't - nor ever could be - any chance that this could tip over into anything more than neighbourliness, but only OP can judge that.

It takes a village eh? "Just ask for help, don't struggle alone" every thread about single parenting or mental health problems.

Surely that’s a conversation you should have had together, rather than you taking unilateral action?

You're being disingenuous. The PP said she can't abide "helpless" women, not disabled women. I have two disabled friends and I wouldn't describe either of them as "helpless" (and they'd be furious with me if I did).

It does take a village - your village not strangers who happen to live across the hall who you know expect to be at your beck and call….

I voted YABU as if my DH told anyone I would/would not help someone I’d be livid. That’s my decision to make and convey, he is not my mouthpiece. If someone asked him, he would either ask them to contact me directly to ask, or he would say he’d pass on the message and I’d get back to them. He’d never make a decision for me, and I’d be very unhappy and wouldn’t be together if he did.

Personally, I think your neighbour is over-reaching. But, whether there is discussion between you and DH or not, he should ultimately be making the decision if the request is to him and he should be conveying that himself. I think he should be saying no in this scenario, but it should be his mouth doing it and he should believe that’s the right decision whether it’s because he actually believes that, or is doing it to placate you or whatever.

You've already told us further up the thread. You seem weirdly proud of it.

Or maybe you had someone cheat on you which clouds your judgement and I haven’t which clouds mine.

Where is the rest of the village then? the point of a village is that the help is shared and isnt burdened on one sole person.

The saying isnt "it takes a male next door neighbour that you can ask for help every single day regardless of whether he is working or its convenient" is it?

I think she's crossed the line with the message now, but prior to that, you have not handled this wisely (or kindly, seeing as though that has come up).

A few posters have said they were single mums living up flights of stairs and managed - I haven't read all the comments but how many also had c sections and can say the same? Recovery is different for everyone and even then it can take a while for body confidence to come back. While her baby is getting older snd presumably her body revovering, if she got off to a very vulnerable start, it can be hard to snap out of that.

The better thing to do may have been to discuss the situation with your DH before saying anything to her, discussed the sustainability of it all, your feelings, and think about ways you could help her get back on her feet. That's if being supportive to a young single mum who is clearly struggling is something you would want to do. It's OK if it's not, I'm not saying it's your responsibility.

Even if kiindness to strangers is not high on your priority list, I also think you overstepped by speaking for your DH. I think you need to acknowledge that to him before you find a way forward with this.

Op I do think that maybe your DH is just as upset because you made the decision for him. You should have told him not her how you felt and if he carried on, that was for you both to sort out. It’s also given her further ammunition to be the victim here. And you the nasty witch….

Can you apologise to your DH for going to her first, and that you should have spoken to him. But let him know that his dropping everything to help her, something he DIDNT EVEN DO FOR HIS OWN WIFE FFS - is a dealbreaker for you.

If DH is annoyed at OP trying to make the decision for him, he should really apply the same lense to his actions in giving his wife's number out.

Op, you work part time so it wouild be easier for you to be more helpful.

If you were more involved in helping NDN you could instigate her becoming more independant. Teach her many skills. Travel on the train a couple of stops, etc.
The woman sounds useless but she IS who she is and she will keep asking your DH for help until she can manage.

Try to attack the problem not your husband. Problem solve her daily issues until she has few problems.

Thanks for proving my point.

Its a viper pit here this morning!

I'm sorry but I would be very suspicious of this reaction and the relationship.

Agree but two wrongs don’t make a right. The DH is still a twat.

Having worked in mental health this is at best, incredibly naive and at worst, dangerous. The average lay person wouldn't have a clue how to deal with someone else's mental health issues and could actually do more harm than good.

What we need is decent, properly funded mental health services not random people playing at being psychologists to people they barely know.

You need to tell him how you feel but not saying what he’s doing wrong if that makes sense or he’ll just get defensive.

No no no.
I always managed these things on my own. It’s not that hard. It’s nice to get help, of course, but this is super inappropriate

How old is your husband? Is the retired? I would never begrudge helping someone, especially a single mum recovering from a c section - but when it becomes daily/every time she needs to leave the house - its too much. Strange your husband seems to enjoy it, does it make him feel needed? Is she seeing him as a father figure type or a substitute husband.

Her texting him complaining about you Is 100% inappropriate, this says alot about her. And your husband siding with her says alot about him too.

And you are certain DH didnt know the woman before she moved in?

Because he is acting more like a father responsible for helping out than a random neighbour.

What a nasty piece of work, complaining about you to your husband!

A key issue here is that your husband works from home and you work part-time out of the home, presumably, so he is a sitting duck for her messages or a knock at the door. He should be prioritising his job not messages from a random woman. Could he return to the office for a while - though I suspect he would not want to.

In the first instance, I would be organising a very hectic family weekend out and about so he cannot be at her beck and call. Followed by weekend visits to family members if possible. Keep him busy with his own children and family

I think this is going to be a tricky phase for you as he thinks he is some kind of hero. Would ridicule from his family and friends work or entrench his position? He is on very weak ground here as you managed the stairs, transport etc without relying on others.

Fingers crossed he comes to his senses!!

I used to take thr baby out of the pram and carry her up. Put her in the moses basket ir bouncer depending on age and go back to get the push chair. Slings were not a thing back then, but I would have definitely bought one. You need to tell her how to do this independently otherwise this will be daily for years! Why can't she leave her baby in the cot to go and get her shopping? Nothing will happen to the baby, it might cry?