Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

if I choose not to go he has requested that I say I am away rather than moan about my son and exclusion from vows

Why would you be moaning though rather than just stating reasons that you didn't go?

It's all mad tbh....
Just don't go, I agree that down to volume BIL would only be able to invite Brother, but he could have either invited you instead of son and invited both sons to reception.
Your son is going to find out and be upset on thats how he's classed in the the family.
You need to stand firm and decline AND explain reason behind it

Does this not change things for you? This conversation makes it clear that the invitation protocol is not about you. It's not personal. The other sister in law and other family members have received the same treatment. You may not like it even so but for me this does put a different and rather important light on things. Your husband is correct that should you decide to go you don't moan or share your disapproval. Go with good grace or not at all.

They still aren’t treated the same. Her son isn’t invited to the reception while all the nieces and nephews are.

I don’t think I’d go , and I’d say clearly to my dh that if I ever got a hint of this ‘people only invited <elder child> because of some sense of etiquette and he’s pleased to be free of that boring crap’ then he’s thrown 20 years away. And worth reconsidering if there’s any ‘boring crap’ you do for him and his family because they’re family and it’s manners, such as bringing a dish at christmas or to a family do, I think he’s telling you he will look after that from now on and you’re freed of such tasks.

Both brothers in law come in and are exceptionally affectionate towards me.

Ugh. I don’t actually know if I could bear this after the public acknowledgement of saying I’m basically not worth a wedding invitation.

I’m guessing you’re busy that day?

What will your DH do when only you and your two children are invited to the next family event on your side?

Wow, just go to the reception wish than well and have a good time? So much moaning!

After being told she is categorically "not family" ??

Yes, it might not be perfect, but it is their wedding and they don’t have to behave as the OP wants them to. Let them have a good day in the way they would like to and try to just be happy for them?

I wouldn’t go if my son was excluded for not being a blood relative. I’d decline and say why!

The OP

I genuinely don't understand the logical leap from "invited to the big reception but not the micro ceremony" to this dramatic "TOLD SHE IS CATEGORICALLY NOT FAMILY" hissy fit.

But the bride and groom then have to expect consequences to their decisions. This isn’t something that will just go away once the wedding is over. It is going to change the relationship they have with the Brother/Bil his wife and the nieces and nephews going forward.

Possibly, but I’d say due in no small part, if that were the case, to the OP’s tantrum.

I would have a huge fcking tantrum if what I considered were close family suddenly turned round and had a wedding ceremony that I wasn’t invited to.

It doesn’t sound like Frasierfan
is the only one who is upset by this.

There are reasons for protocols and etiquette. It is to stop what this bride and groom are going to face when they come back from honeymoon. Their families as they knew it aren’t going to exist anymore. They won’t be considered welcome where they were once welcome.

When your dh asks did you want them to un-invite someone to accommodate you

The answer is No but you would expect them to book a place that would accommodate all the family and not one that was going to divide the family.

I do think Frasierfan that you are looking at this family relationships through rose tinted specs

The initial *Don’t tell anybody” and being surprised that your dh had told you, firmly puts you in the anybody category in BIL’s eyes

I have no problem with is the men eating together the night before, I imagine SiL will be with her crew as well
I don’t feel I would be twiddling my thumbs, I am capable of eating alone

??

If the men are all eating together then why is the bride splitting people into groups of close friends and family only and other.

How to make sure you and those female relatives who aren’t invited know your place in her eyes.

I suspect that it actually won't change the relationship. I imagine a relationship likely based on polite small talk at family events will continue exactly in that vein.

Their families as they knew it aren’t going to exist anymore.

Beyond dramatic.

This!!

I thought the OP was specifically told by husband that the bride and groom deem spouses to be “not family.”

Rather ironic when you think about it.

That's not in any of her posts.

I must be confusing with another thread.

If I discovered that my DH's brother did not view me as family, and that DH thought this was perfectly reasonable and couldn't see a problem with it, that absolutely would change my relationship with his side of the family.

At the very least, I would no longer be responsible for any card or present buying, or 'wife work' involving his side of the family. I probably wouldn't bother inviting BIL over, that would be down to DH to organise - and to host. There's nothing unreasonable about matching another person's attitude towards you or the energy they put into the relationship.

Cant imagine why it would be you doing all that stuff in the first place tbh

I've just said this on another thread but the idea that I'd be responsible for buying cards/presents for my partner's side of the family in the first place is beyond bizarre to me. Why would I do that??? I don't think I know when half their birthdays even are. And of course he is responsible for inviting his sister over, not me. I'm not making a point by not doing those things, it's just naturally his remit.

But in any case, I reiterate that being invited to a big reception but not a micro ceremony does not equate to "not being viewed as family".

Clearly some people think that you need a vagina to
do this stuff.

I do not, and have never in over 20 years together, had any of my inlaw’s phone numbers, nor have I ever bought, send or reminded DH to buy or send cards or presents to anyone on his side of the family. He can manage his family relationships like I manage mine.

Your BIL may be very polite but politeness tends to be a mask for true feelings.

It's disappointing and upsetting to find out he doesn't really see you as a close friend at this point but now at least you know where you stand.

Personally, I couldn't care less about my own BILs and would not be put out in the same situation as I'm not close to any of them.

I'd take the path of least resistance on this occasion, go to the reception, have fun and not invest in him in the future.