Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

I’m still left scratching my head, on your behalf , after your update.

Does your son know he’s not invited?

Have you decided what you’ll do? If you don’t go hopefully you’ll leave any wedding prep to husband and son and facilitate F all.

What a bunch of weirdos.

Yeah, this.

I wouldn’t attend any part of it as a second class guest, and I’d be pondering husband’s attitude.

The fact that BIL has a waitlist for his wedding says it all, imo.
And the whole separation of men and women is just odd and antiquated.

I'd skip the whole thing, personally. And let DH do all the wedding-related stuff (arrange the suits etc) for both him and DS. Don't lift a finger.

After that, my next step would be thinking about the marriage. He clearly has his brother's back more than yours. And worse, doesn't understand why he'd need to have your back on this one. It would change my view of him.

We are all English/Irish. The men are not misogynistic.
I do think it’s fairly normal for the bride and groom to separate the night before and spend it with their family/ same sex friends. I don’t have issues with night before just vows.

I am not going to end my marriage over this FFS. We have a good marriage; I know what a bad one is. He has my back but he doesn’t see why on earth I am harping on about half an hour.

I have spoken to two colleagues 53 and 33. Both said about protocols changing. 53 year old was sad about it. 33 year old thought we were mad.

I am fairly confident in my relationship with my in-laws on both sides.

I think they like me but like other people more just as I prefer my own nieces to my brother-in-law. The difference is there would not be an occasion where this would be so obvious. I am heartbroken that after 2 decades I would not have been an obvious guest for the ceremony. Groom has one other sibling and bride has two siblings , so DH says that is four places at the ceremony and do I actually think they should disinvite other blood related relatives and close friends.

Husband has said he wouldn’t have done it but also keeps saying that this is about half an hour.

My elder son does not know any of this. I genuinely, genuinely don’t know what to do.

My husband said he wants me at wedding but now says it’s up to me he just wants to stop talking about it and I am driving him crazy. It’s half an hour.

I cannot believe that I am so unhappy about it. I am not a narcissist but can’t believe people think differently to me about this especially people I regard as family.

I think that they'd probably be relieved that they didn't have to deal with you. No offence.

That's f'ing ridiculous. He should invite a random single person over his brother???

🤣🤣🤣

Unfortunately, some people live to be offended.

He totally gets that I wanted to be at the vows and is upset that I am upset but he doesn’t feel that younger son is being invited in my place but BiL is inviting blood relatives and close friends for a half an hour ceremony

This seems to be the crux of it. OP's son is not being invited as her husband's +1 instead of her. He's being invited as a close friend of the groom who happens to be related to him - but he would have been invited as a friend even if he wasn't OP's son.

I would prioritise any close friend over the kind of relative I might see as family and make polite small talk with at family events, but who I don't actually hang out with frequently and who I've never talked to deeply.

And to echo your husband, son and 33-year-old colleague - it is just half an hour. It is the least important half-hour. It's the tick-box exercise. Speaking as someone who is about to get married - the ceremony is something we have put very minimal thought and effort into. It's as basic as we can make it with as few people there as possible. The important bit of a wedding is the big party where we get to let our hair down and celebrate with all our friends.

And it's all very well saying YOU think the ceremony is the important bit, but this is not your wedding. The bride and groom in this case - and me in my case - are conveying that it is not the important bit to them. Their reception sounds pretty damn lavish, with overnight hotel stays and so on - I'd be so annoyed if a guest we'd invited to something like that was causing a fuss over the ceremony.

I personally wouldn't attend at all. I would leave dh to sort it all out and wash my hands.

The bride and groom have essentially cut your family into 3 tiers to suit their needs and wants. It's incredibly divisive.

I think your dh doesn't want to rock the boat with his family so he's settled on you being the unreasonable one to make it easier on himself.

I wouldn't leave or divorce him over it but i would see him as 'less' from this point on.

Has your DH not said anything about your DS not being invited at all? I'd be devastated that he wasn't thought of as family, and that DH didn't seem to care.

Your unhappiness is understandable, it’s an unhappy situation that you have been put in. Not fair of your husband to say he doesn’t want to hear anymore about it 🙄

The invites are not changing, you won’t be invited to ceremony and your son won’t be invited to reception. Also doubt your feelings on the matter will change either.

I get the ‘it’s your wedding invite who you want’ brigade but splitting a family is wrong. Not inviting Great Aunty Jude who you haven’t seen in a decade yes, but close family no.

The decision is yours if you decide to go or not. Will you silently seethe through the wedding celebrations or be able to move past it? Certainly don’t take BIL, husband or son (who is invited) feelings into consideration. They don’t give a toss about your feelings. Make the right decision for you.

I would not be surprised if there was up to 150 people at that Reception based on a wedding we went to there a decade ago before it was refurbished.

DH says that it’s not our relationships with each other but our relationship with the bride and groom. He also says I am focused solely on us and not the other brother and the bride’s two siblings.

Younger colleague did feel that niece from Non-Groom BiL did have a point about her husband not being invited at all as they had gone to hers but both colleagues and I confess myself, couldn’t stop laughing about ex-SiL wanting some say over guest list re: two of the daughters’ in-laws.

I don’t think I will have anything else to say but thanks everyone.

Wow this is spectacular from your BIL.
this is so rude, just unbelievable.

it’s not about the FORM. Not to invite actual spouses just because they are not blood relatives 😳😳😳😳 literally invite half the families because they don’t WANT non blood relatives there 😳😳😳

basically I wouldn’t bother. I would mentally assign him to “dick” and “not family” category; tell to your elder son the same and that he’s not inviting half the families so your son shouldn’t feel excluded really; and then never bother with sorting out presents for this BIL and his family, or go out of my way for them.

not in declaratory or petty way I mean - you might as well go to the wedding breakfast and not fuss anymore, but I would NEVER consider them anything more than a distant relation or acquaintance and measure my effort towards them accordingly.

Whether your dh sees it as an issue or not, I think a lot of bil extended family don’t agree.

it’s likely to be contentious for him moving forward as all of the people who are upset start inviting only him/don’t invite him.

on a personal front, I wouldn’t go as eldest isn’t invited. Wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, would just say you understand his restrictions and hope he has a wonderful day. If it’s no big deal then bil , dh and youngest son should be perfectly fine with that

Surely whether you consider them a distant relation or someone who's actually close to you is dependent on what relationship you already have with them.

You already know whether you're close to someone! Do you see them every week, or every few months, or just at family reunions? When you talk to them is it polite small talk or are they confiding their worries and secrets in you?

An invite to whatever bit of the wedding is not the thing that actually determines this. A close relationship either already exists, or it doesn't.

I am probably old fashioned, but in my view protocol would dictate that they should have invited the DH and OP, rather than DH and DS to the wedding and then all of them to the reception.
The elder DS is a bit different as he no longer lives with you, etc. (So I am unsure about him tbh, but that is not because he is a step son.)
That said, you cannot change other people or dictate who they invite.
The question is how you respond.
I presume the OP would not be in the official photographs (which if having, usually take place after the actual ceremony).
I would probably go, but I would not forget. I might decide to wear more casual clothes than I may otherwise have done. (eg, 'Formal wedding wear' including a fascinator/hat is generally only required for a church, and even that is dying out).
I think it would depend on how far this reception is, and how you would get there (maybe you both have cars, etc).

Well the OP was clearly under impression that they had very good relationship hence her upset.

note that the groom didn’t invite the husband of his niece too to anything. Niece invited but husband is not.
Just a weirdo.

This is what I’d do , but if it was my husband I’d be making it clear that him attending would piss me off massively .

DH did ask if eldest could come to Reception but there is a waiting list!

What DH has said is that SiL is going to Reception and if I choose not to go he has requested that I say I am away rather than moan about my son and exclusion from vows.

What’s more and this is genuinely my last word as I am boring myself now, is if my sister or cousins (one of them is getting married for second time in the summer) did the same he would not have any issues at all even if he wasn’t invited at all, and the thing is I believe every word.

He says he is dreading the next round of weddings as the next generation are coupling up.

You say your husband is not misogynistic “in the slightest” but he basically refuses to discuss further and tries to get you to shut up 🙄 are you sure? That’s not respectful behaviour.

you are definitely not a narcissist here.

So the least important part of the wedding is the part where you actually get married??!

This is nuts to me.

The important bit of a wedding is the big party where we get to let our hair down and celebrate with all our friends.

Most people I know feel quite the opposite. The vows are more than a "tick box," otherwise, why bother?

Maybe he barely knows the niece's husband.

You have to have a cut-off somewhere; a friend I'm actually close to will always take precedence over a family member's partner that I'm not.

Seems like this is a protocol change in younger generations.