Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

Following

Doesn't matter.

I'm having a laugh about it now! 😂🔪

Seems a bit of a strange family anyway if you aren’t really discussing things with each other - you may not be the only partner excluded if space is short. Is your oldest son bothered, would he want to go, does he only see them occasionally. I’m a great believer in only inviting people you’re close to - same applies to funerals. I hate it when people rock up when they couldn’t be bothered when that person was alive.

Apparently not to the B&G...

Lovely. So it's simple really. Hubby only attends reception too. The brother is obtuse to play such a wedging card and to be frank, would be very lucky that both you and hubby prospectively attend the post registry office event. That's the polite write up. The impolite one is the brother is a total knob.

No the older son is not irrelevant he is family

Staggering, that is the 79/21% vote that is, this should be a slam dunk 100% for you are not being unreasonable, shocking behaviour from the brother in law, handle it as you see fit but there are virtually no excuses here 😑

And what about the wife ( OP)

The strangest thing about all this is the secrecy element. Why wasn't OPs husband allowed to tell anyone? What's the BIL hiding and from who?

There’s so much rushing to assume nefarious intentions on this thread. It’s sad to see how forcefully the “BIL hates you and your DS” message is being pushed when the only evidence offered is invitation lists.

What if we consider this a case of deliberate inclusion instead of deliberate exclusion? Assume BIL can invite a very limited number of people to the ceremony due to space restrictions. He asks his parents, his kids, and his brothers. That leaves one spot left. He could invite one of his two SILs, but how would that look to the other? Inviting both means uninviting a parent, child or sibling. Is it possible that’s why BIL instead chose to fill that spot with his single adult nephew that he frequently spends time with?

For the reception, BIL again has a certain number of invites. Maybe he broadens his invites to include his kids’ partners, his own aunts and uncles, and his brothers’ wives. He even invites the nieces and nephews who still live at home since they would likely be coming with their parents. That takes up a lot of space and he wants to be sure to include his close friends in the remaining invites. It might seem harsh to some that friends get seats over extended family, but are you really going to tell the bride and groom to leave off a pair of dear friends so they can instead invite an nephew and his partner who might only maintain connection via parent updates?

It’s entirely possible OP’s BIL is twirling his metaphorical villain mustache as he gloats about leaving her and her DS out. It’s just as possible that one of a dozen other factors came into play that have nothing to do with her family.

This is exactly how most normal people would think. This thread has taught me that some people get very, very irate over etiquette and how it pertains to their perceived social standing. Beyond thankful no one I know thinks like this, as someone who's planning a wedding with a micro ceremony.

I also think this, and see it on a lot of threads, the immediate jumping to malicious intent. I think or thought most people would just think oh is it a small ceremony or something, and was stunned at the people encouraging a scorched earth approach of her husband shouldn’t go etc, without even caring why it’s like this,

Exactly. I do find some of the responses on these threads instructive as to some people's thought processes. It goes some way to explaining why so many Mners struggle with friendships and communication.

There seems to be a lot of jostling for position as well. I think MNers are prone to seeing many normal social interactions as power plays in some way. Which I think is linked to the other standout odd thing about this forum - how many MNers hate their friends and husbands. I think if you actually like the people you choose to have in your life, all of this OTT rage about etiquette just wouldn't apply.

As far as I can see it's all adults who have been invited & I would have thought that they go or not as they please.

I wouldn't expect my husband or son to miss an uncle's wedding because I wasn't invited to all of it.

I think different people may have different opinions as they are basing their replies on their own experiences and own social network.

The dynamics matter here. The OP sounds surprised so it may well be a real disappointment for them.

I think a lot of people would be disappointed.

It's not unreasonable to think that you would be invited as a couple.

I suppose it's how you deal with it.

If the oldest son was living at home & the only one not invited I think that would also make a difference.

Also if other sibling's spouses are going.

Fair enough but if someone getting married tried to treat my son/daughter/wife differently to me in terms of arrangements I’d tell them to stick the wedding up their arse. No offence

I can see why you'd be paranoid OP - it's a pity the B&G haven't communicated better with everyone. it's perfectly understandable if it's a small venue to have to make a few hard choices. It sounds like the younger son does more with him because they play golf together, Can we assume he doesn't see the older son as much?

We had a similar problem at ours - registry office was 50 guests, reception was 100, but I made sure I explained to anyone that I couldn't invite to both the reason and was a bit apologetic and it was fine, to my knowledge no one's nose was put out of joint.

The thing that would piss me off though is if the whole family is there at the reception and in the evening and the step family member is the one exclusion. Depends if the son is bothered though? maybe he's not that close to anyone and doesn't care..

You're assuming most people are like you. This is a common and not necessarily true - it's called The false consensus effect. People on both sides of the debate here can been seen doing this. I know I've been guilty of it too. It's all quite interesting.

Oh, please ...

It is not unreasonable that a couple be invited to attend the wedding of their siblings, particularly when that couple has been married 20 years.

Ceremony space restrictions are challenging. What if there was only one invite left after BIL’s own kids (and possibly his parents)? It sounds like both OP and her SIL are in the same situation - their husbands invited to the ceremony while they are invited to the reception. Who gets that last invite?

Yep. I guess the brother will be fine with his new wife not being invited to Christmas dinner, as at least it’s not a wedding that’s entirely about celebrating the link between a husband and wife, so obviously won’t matter.

It went to the OPs 19 year old son.
There was essentially 2 spaces available so the invites have gone to the husband (grooms brother) and the 19 year old son (grooms nephew).
To me and many on this thread think it really should have been husband and the OP (grooms brother and sister in law).