Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

Let me clarify. There’s one invite left for the ceremony - the one that went to OP’s son. Many are clamoring that it should go to OP because her husband is already invited and they’re married. Why does she have more of a moral claim to it than the other SIL? Both are married to BIL’s brothers and both are invited to the reception only. Would we be equally up in arms if that last invite had gone to SIL instead of OP? Would OP be here posting about how her SIL was invited and not her?

It seems like with finite invites, BIL can’t win no matter his choice. He can invite one SIL (either OP or his other SIL) and appear to snub the other. He can choose not to issue the last invite and lose out on having someone he loves stand by him at the ceremony. Or he can invite another single guest of his choosing. What he can’t do is conjure more spaces up in a space-restricted venue.

A single person?
a friend?
You don't split a couple.
Or, you just leave it.

So if there’s only space for three people to witness the ceremony, I can only invite one of my two married brothers? I suppose it’s all about how our circles view things. Mine would be horrified that I’m expected to keep the chair empty instead of invite my brother.

Sorry, not following. I was commenting re one space.

Gotcha. OP’s BIL has two brothers, both of whom are married. If he can only invite, say, three people, does that mean only one of his brothers can come under the “don’t split couples” rule?

I'd likely omit someone else. Family and their partners take precedent. If it really was a faff and getting out of hand, if it were me, I'd pare it way, way down (ie parents and siblings only), or change venue. 🤔

It might be parents siblings and one nephew for all you know

You don't invite children over spouses given the choice.

But the other option is to invite the wife of one brother but not the wife of another. There is only space for ONE SIL

Even if you have a good active relationship with the ‘child’ and none with the spouse?

Yes.

So rigid.

So rather and invite his bros and 1 bros child, he should invite only the bros and ONE wife?

@gannett I disagree. Rigid, imo, is not changing things to invite spouses of one's siblings in favour of a young adult nephew despite the rift it creates. Rigid is saying, we must fill the one remaining seat and we're not inviting our brother's step son of 20 years because he's not blood family and we just can't fit one more person.

Rigid is determining a guestlist based only on "status" within the family rather than one's personal relationship. For us, it's based on the people we are actually closest to. DP is inviting one set of cousins, who we see frequently and travel overseas to visit, but not the rest as we barely know them (I couldn't even tell you their names). I'm not inviting my family as I'm NC. We're mostly inviting friends and partners, because the partners are friends by this point too, to the reception, but the micro ceremony will just have the best people/bridespeople, DP's sister and her kids because that's the room full there. And some partners haven't been invited to the reception because I've met them once in 20 years of knowing my friend in question, so I'm taking my cues from them that those couples default to separate socialising.

It's all dependent on individuals, not a one-size-fits-all hierarchy.

And no rifts have been created because frankly neither of us have people who are that dramatic and easily-offended in our lives.

Great!
But, OP has an issue you're minimizing. 🤷‍♀️
I take it this is nit part if your plan:

"When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone."

Surely, you can see this is bizarre?

That is strange, yes. I just don't see it as something I'd be mortally offended by.

I would be most disappointed with your younger son having the neck to be 'annoyed' at you for querying why he was invited to the ceremony in your place. He seems to be following in the footsteps of his father and uncle thinking it's right and proper that any man, even a teenage one, should take priority over a woman.

So the women are banished from the men only meal the night before and have to twiddle their thumbs for two hours while the menfolk go to the wedding until they are graciously allowed into the reception. Is there some cultural background here that makes inviting a male child over his mother seem normal to your husband and son?

DH has seen both of his brothers separately.

He first saw the brother who is not getting married. Both of his children are invited like my younger son to the whole shebang but his son-in-law and nephew’s newish girlfriend are not invited to anything. Niece was upset by this. They were both invited to her wedding but she didn’t initially invite my elder son.

SiL has the same invitation as me. Apparently she likes weddings and would like to have seen the vows and would like to explore the venue. She is not the mother of BiL’s children.

They have no intention of saying anything. He and his kids have just accepted the invitation.

This brother-in-law and sister-in-law i.e.not the bridal couple were saying to DH that the groom’s ex wife was also kicking off saying that two of their daughters’ future in-laws should be invited to the reception.

This brother did know that the bride’s in-laws are also not invited to ceremony.

SiL not bride, also knew that people at actual vows will be given champagne and canapés in a glass house. FH didn’t ask how she knew this.

Well he asked the actual groom if my elder son could be invited to reception as he is part of the family. He said not a chance as there was a “waiting list”. He confirmed that ex SiL was hassling him about their daughters’ in-laws.

People have disagreed about what a reception is. I am invited to wedding breakfast immediately after the vows and photos, at another venue, where DH, younger sons will have slept night before and where I can sleep as well. There will be a DJ but no further evening guests.

My husband and sons are not misogynistic in the slightest.

Last night DH were alone in the car for about an hour, it was illuminating. He didn’t use words like etiquette and protocol but said he was pleased that the world had moved on and people didn’t have to invite people for form’s sake.

He totally gets that I wanted to be at the vows and is upset that I am upset but he doesn’t feel that younger son is being invited in my place but BiL is inviting blood relatives and close friends for a half an hour ceremony. Did I want them to un-invite someone to accommodate me.

He absolutely refuses to discuss it further and says he can’t understand all the fuss over a half an hour ceremony.

Oh, one more thing, the one thing I have no problem with is the men eating together the night before, I imagine SiL will be with her crew as well.

I don’t feel I would be twiddling my thumbs, I am capable of eating alone.

DH saw his brothers separately in the natural scheme of things, not a deliberate thing to talk about wedding.

Your DH is faking ignorance here—of course you want to see the couple get married. Regardless of him poo-pooing the length, it still is the actual marriage ceremony.

So there’s a waitlist? Do them a favour by relinquishing your space, and spend your evening doing something fun with DS1.

So in short. Your brother in law is a dick and clearly sees only blood relatives as his real family.

Your BIL is entitled to invite whoever he wants to his wedding ceremony and that includes inviting your son instead of you if places are limited.

Is it normal to invite a son instead of his mother because he is a blood relative? Not for most people in the UK but it may well be normal practice within certain communities.

If that is the situation for you then this is something you would already be aware of for a long time.

If your husband and BiL are not from another culture which views males are superior to females then your BiL is just sexist or doesn't really like you that much.

If so, at least you know that now so you can avoid wasting time with him in the future.

It's his bride I feel most sorry for - poor woman.

And your husband clearly agrees. The more you post, the worse your DH sounds.