Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

Registry offices are very strict on numbers. If they only have say 12, it’s 12. This often includes small children. Not apologising or explaining that to you or your husband is fucking rude tho! I’d be very hurt.

So you’re invited to the reception?

My guess is registry office is small, so it’s immediate family only for the legal bit then everyone at the party.

Its not like you’ve only been invited to the evening do, you’re at the main party.

OMG the nuclear option already !?!

I’d personally tell dh to go himself and you and your children have a day together . I wouldn’t have one of my children excluded.

If there is a restriction on numbers, which is entirely possible, then it should be DH and OP invited.

I think inviting only DH and one DS is really divisive. It shows exactly where OP is in terms of family doesn't it. Really sad.

Indeed and it's really odd some posters are trying to justify it as completely normal behaviour.

Fucking hell, that’s rude! What is wrong with people these days and how can anyone even try to defend/justify this?!

Your older son has been in your husband's life for two decades, but has he been in your BIL's life?

Scenario 1 - your older son was a baby when you got together with your DH, and you see your in-laws very regularly so BIL has seen your son every week for twenty years, and your son stayed with them in the summer holidays, and still pops in to their house now he's an adult.

Scenario 2 - your older son was ten years old when you met DH, and moved out of your home aged 16. He therefore lived with DH for six years, and is now 30 and lives at the opposite end of the country. BIL met him once when he was seven.

Which is it? In the middle I guess! But in scenario 1 BIL is unreasonable not to invite him, and in scenario 2 BIL is acting perfectly normally. There isn't a black and white answer here.

As others have said, the key thing is how big the register office is - if it's a question of only a few from each side, then they will be left choosing between you and (e.g.) a grandparent. However, very odd that this wasn't explained to DH in advance.

I agree with this.
The registry office probably has quite a low limit on the number of people, and it's perfectly reasonable to restrict to "blood relatives".

The reception is the important bit - go to that and enjoy it.

I'm in two minds about your older son. If he lives with you and normally takes part in family events that BIL attends then yes it is shitty not to invite him.

The wedding should be about the couple. They may be having a small registry office wedding to get the legal bit sorted and may even only have witnesses present.

How close are they to your older child? If they're not close, why would they invite him, particularly if it's a small wedding?

Weddings and families ... can be so difficult.
Dd got married and didn't invite my long term partners daughters and their family's...i was quite shocked but dd said she only wanted people at her wedding that loved her.
At the time it didn't go down well with dp, but with hindsight it was the right decision..

I don't understand why you DH and younger son but not you?

Is it meant to be blood relatives only?

Putting aside the elder son issue for a moment, inviting OP’s youngest DS above her is rude, it’s partners first then widening it up to family. You’ve basically been relegated to being baby incubator of his DN.

I agree this is very odd but context is everything. As others have said, if it’s a very tiny registry office then it’s more understandable.

I think if your eldest is an adult, not inviting him could be ok if he has little/no relationship with BIL and they’re tight on no.s and it was transparent…

Whats absolutely not ok is inviting your DH and younger sons without explaining anything. They could have an explanation that seems reasonable to them which would help decide what to do next….

Id be thinking, if they can fit 3 of the family, under the circs, I’d prefer to go with DH then kids join later, for example. Less issue of choosing between children etc. Plus if you’ve been together over 20 years, it does seem quite disrespectful to leave you out…

Attached a photo of capacity but I do not know which room they have chosen for the ceremony nor if they are at capacity. The other invitations state the venue not the actual room.

When I say I am invited to the Reception I mean the actual meal at a Country House Hotel, two hours after ceremony.

Both of my sons are adults.

DH and DS2 are speaking to me like I am some kind of Extra-Terrestrial. They have no understanding why I am upset. Apparently I am going to the best bit and the ceremony is a formality.

We live 3 miles from the hotel but he has booked rooms for three nights. Apparently third night is complimentary. They are excited about playing golf there and I can swim.

DH and DS2 are speaking to me like I am some kind of Extra-Terrestrial. They have no understanding why I am upset. Apparently I am going to the best bit and the ceremony is a formality.

I'd be very disappointed by this response. Funny how they think the ceremony is a formality but I bet they are still both thinking of attending.

I would be so disappointed if my husband saw no problem with this situation.

Let hubby and son go to wedding and meet them at reception.
I personally wouldn't let it bother me. I also wouldn't expect my hubby to decline the invite, it is his brother.
You have to deal with these people going forward so let hubby go to wedding and meet up later.
Do something you like while they are at wedding.

Or you could crash the ceremony.

i have changed my mind
it is a formality
just grin and bear it,
you are going to the reception
not just the evening,
the wedding reception

I have skimmed the tread, busy but will go back and read all posts, if this has already been said. We got married in Canterbury registry office and there was a limited number of seats.

I wouldn’t give a shit. If someone doesn’t want me there then fine, but I wouldn’t be bothering with the reception.

How ridiculous, I really hope this is a joke?
Why on earth does everyone’s plus ones have to be invited to an intimate registry ceremony?

Insane behaviour from BIL and DH
Who wouldn't be upset about not being invited to the ceremony. And why wouldn't DH ask about it? Very strange non communicative family..
And ds1 not even invited to reception?
You need stern and strong words with DH about how unfair and rude it is. If he refuses to understand then I would be really fuming
How does DS2 not understand how unfair it is that he's invited and not DS1. Regardless of having a different dad.
Are you close to in laws to ask/seek info?

Of course if it is a limited space venue then ok but I would expect DH to have been told that as a heads up. And I would still expect both your DS to be invited for the evening do