Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

Yeah I think this is potentially very different and I am sure they would all understand, especially if they are told first.l, it sounds very reasonable. It seems cruel to find out when you get a different invite and your son doesnt get one at all.

Maybe this Is this not about exclusion but about numbers? It is a small wedding. I would guess that you are not the only one wondering why you have not been invited to the actual wedding.

Even with siblings things can be sensitive, and that is a fact. If only we could always approach our brothers and sisters and ask “why…..?”

And also the elephant in the room of family dynamics, which from time to time rears its ugly head.

My DSis is still incensed about the seating plan at my DDs wedding. According DSis, my DD sat her with x relative to piss her off. I She really didn't. I am not going to tell my DD about her aunties anger, why would I? But gosh, do I get an earful from DSis!

I think your son and husband are clearly quite comfortable with disrespecting you and your other son. This situation is just highlighting that.

thats very dramatic

You get to go to the best bit! 🤣

Divorce, really? 🤔 how dramatic

I would tell my dh I’ll be declining. I’ll be booking my own holiday with my son, and he can go party with his real family.

Her son isn’t invited though. Only their joint son, after being together for decades.

The way this has been handled is weird and offensive. If BiL had been upfront with a reason like restricted capacity, that would be more understandable, but he's chosen secrecy and dividing and conquering.
If the ceremony is a minimalist legal ceremony, there is an understandable logic, but to have a 3 day celebration at the hotel doesn't match skimping on a ceremony at a potential cost of long term family relationships.

Would he like it if you and DH treated his wife (to be) in this second tier way?

Families are units, and weddings are ancient rites of social glue. By splitting wedding guest lists like this, it risks fracturing family networks and connections by creating disconnected tiers of value and reducing bonding experiences.

Your bil sounds 🤮..
He excluded your eldest son who is in your husband’s life for decades ..
NO ONE in your house should attend this wedding …

they could have at least explained-and tbg your h is being a wanker saying youre embarrassing rather than him questioning why his wife isnt invited

and who books 3 nights and expects people to stay with them

A bit of a simplification but many men see weddings differently to women. They don't care about apparent etiquette etc, they just want to celebrate with their mate/relative. They don't care if they are "just" invited to the stag do, or the evening party... those are the best bits.

(Also.. i'd expect a 26yo invite to go their home address not their mothers... are you sure his is not separate?)

Your BIL is so rude and your DH isn't much better going by his reactions

So sorry you had a similar situation. It’s so hurtful and bewildering and my husband knew it wasn’t right, because when he told me said ‘you aren’t going to like this’ but when I did express how hurt I was I got both barrels, I was selfish and entitled - no, just hurt - for context, we’d been married for 17 years by then. The small wedding didn’t even end up being that small, I felt horrible when I found out that it wasn’t just the witnesses only wedding I’d been told about.
a lot of people in this thread are speculating about the size of the room and difficulty in numbers etc, however, if you have to make tough choices then let close family know that you’d love it if things were different, but you can’t have the number of guests you’d like because of XX reason. Don’t just say nothing, try and cover it up or make people feel snubbed or excluded. If people love you they want to celebrate your big day with you. Of course they’ll be disappointed and wonder why you didn’t invite them! Why are some folk so thoughtless?! I could never. Glad things are better with you now, we have a way to go I think.

a 26 yo is not your "child" that has to come with you at all time, he's a completely independent adult. Why on earth do you think the bride and groom should even invite him?

Your brother in law is clearly saying he doesn’t respect you or your eldest son and it’s ‘real’ family only.

I'd be more upset at my other child being completely excluded. Are they not upset he's been excluded like he's no one? Would they be ok if you started excluding H's siblings kids because they're not blood related to you?

I'd never go to something as a family and leave one of my kids out, whether I was invited to the full day or not.

Because he is their nephew...

This is a deliberate decision to exclude OP.

Etiquette is usually that, if there are capacity constraints, you invite the adult couple (brother and his wife in this instance) and then the "kids" to the reception.

But there are two wrongdoings here. First the fact the youngest son is invited over and above the wife (disrespectful) and second, the eldest isn't invited at all.

I wouldn't make a fuss OP but I wouldn't go and I would think very poorly of DH and younger DS if they went.

Because he's been part of the family for 20 years?!

The more you post about your DH @Frasierfan the more deliberately obtuse he sounds. Really sorry he doesn’t have your back.

Don’t be so sexist. I don’t care about ‘wedding etiquette’either! Honestly, so many drama lamas on this thread!

I’ve been married and weddings are always a hassle for numbers and a massive expense. It’s no about you. Calm down.

Then you need to explain it more clearly to your husband that his brother is being exclusionary and weird to your oldest son
Explain to your younger son it's disrespectful and rude to leave spouses and children out its nothing to do with the half an hour ceremony or how long it is or where it is. It's a clear message of exclusion and dismissal, it's bad manners and he should have empathy for his older brother, despite sharing a different dad.. it's the message behind it..
It's possible bil forgot about elder ds somehow I suppose but DH should be asking and should be caring. He obviously doesn't?
You seem a bit passive
It's up to you how to respond
Obviously you don't need to cause a row and a drama but I certainly would be rowing with DH if he's not interested in asking after elder DS invite .. so much for family and marriage!
Imagine elder DS not inviting younger ds to his marriage or even the evening do. Just weird.
Time to stew and go silent whilst you think about how to rsvp and if you're going to ask bil if elder ds is invited.. who cares if dh is embarrassed by you asking. He clearly doesn't want to ask! Maybe you could ask SIL and be even more embarassing!

It’s incredibly weird not to invite you to the ceremony. I’m shocked that people behave like this.

Your sons probably don’t even want to go to a wedding? They are boring for kids. It’s good they are being pragmatic. But if you don’t want to go to reception that’s fine too. Just all do whatever makes you happy - it’s just a wedding, they are a strange old fashioned ritual not worth getting upset about.