Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

You’re bothered about the ceremony because that’s the actual wedding. I don’t understand why they wouldn’t invite their whole family there or if not to address it before invites go out. Reception only invites are usually just for distant acquaintances like work colleagues or hobby friends, not your SIL

Calling it "deliberately excluding" is deliberately looking to offense, and nobody can drive a wedge between married couples unless the couple let them. I don't know why OP has to make such a big deal about this. Why can't she simply respect the wishes of the bride and groom? It only feels like a snub because she's decided it is one.

@Frasierfan you may find some solidarity here

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3564973-To-just-refuse-the-wedding-invitation

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3567119-The-Ten-White-Horsemen-Of-The-Apocalypse-Wedding-Part-2

Not necessarily the case at all.

The reception is the bit DP and I are actually spending money on for our wedding, and the bit I'm looking forward to. The registry office bit is the bare minimum and if we didn't actually have to do it officially with witnesses I'd happily skip it. Neither of us place any importance on ceremonial ritual and I personally never want to be in any situation where there are over 20 people in one room all looking at what I'm doing.

I can’t believe they are that obtuse. It’s just inconvenient to them that you are upset so they are pretending not to understand

He is however, going to ring brother especially and ask if elder son and partner could be included in the reception if possible.

Seriously? That is SO rude! It’s probably costing them £100+ per guest, and you’d really ask them to spend that much more on a person they weren’t bothered about inviting and expect them to give him a plus one too?

Madness

I'd find your self-righteous outrage about this a bit much if I were your DH, too. I mean, that your first action was to go and look up the capacity of the venue, so you could see if there were constraints on numbers says a lot about you. Are you quite insecure?

In your shoes, I'd assume there was a reason I was only invited to the reception, but that it was unlikely to be personal, and I wouldn't give it another thought. I certainly wouldn't be agitating about it, requiring your DH to go ferreting about for an explanation, and wanting to know exactly who the invitees to the ceremony are, so you can judge where you are on some kind of totem pole. Why not expend your energy on something within your grasp, like whether you want to stay three nights or not?

I mean, what's your desired outcome here? Do you want to flounce and not go at all? An 'Oh well, she can come to the ceremony if she's going to make this much of a fuss' invitation?

If the ceremony is the boring, unimportant bit - why has OP's younger son been invited to it? If it's numbers and just her DH was invited to it, I would get that. It's her son being invited over her which I find really odd. Yes, they can invite who they like and no, I wouldn't kick up a fuss. But it is a really strange choice and seems like a snub. Everyone talking about the reception being the important bit are really missing the point here. But I wouldn't ask for older son and partner to be invited - they will immediately have you down as pushy and will be able project away from the fact they excluded him. It is what it is - they are strange.

Send your son alone so you get an hour's free baby sitting then you can all meet up at the reception and have a good old knees up!

Joking obviously, but i would be tempted!

I'd assume they are having a tiny micro-ceremony. Like 10 guests or something.

Not your wedding, it's not about you. You are not the main character here

If they can only fit a certain number in the registry office then that's that.

Don't go being a pain in the arse. Be gracious, have a good time at the reception.

Babysitting?! He's 19! (The one who's been invited, that is.)

Poster is clearly joking!!!

It seems a very strange course of action for your BIL to celebrate his own marriage by disrespecting his own brother's of long standing and causing difficulties within it. That doesn't really speak of a great deal of respect for the institution, does it?

As for your "DH" and his charming "fucking embarrassing" comment, I'd tell him to hold on to his hat and see just how "FE" I might be if he didn't start respecting his own wife. Clearly golf is far more important to him and your son than your feelings or those of DS1.How shallow and immature of them both, especially your husband.

Yes but it's a weird joke!

Disrespect? You're having a laugh and just trying to cause drama

Otoh we have couples being told they shouldn’t waste all this money on extravagant weddings, they should just do a small ceremony. That they are selfish expecting everyone to spend all this money (babysitters, outfits, travel, time of work, a gift etc) just to attend their wedding.

Then, otoh, if they do plan a micro wedding it’s how could they be so horrid to exclude so-and-so.

If the couple have invited every random person in their lives but not OP and eldest son then yeah it’s an exclusion and rude. But the most likely scenario is they’re opting for a small or micro wedding. It used to be invite to ceremony not reception - this is just the flip of that.

If second son is a child he’s maybe invited as courtesy to parents. Adult eldest child may be not invited because they’re an adult.

If second son is close to the couple getting married that could explain the invite. Or maybe they’re a good match for someone else attending so another child code to the couple has someone sort of similar to them there.

It’s understandable being upset. Nobody likes realising they are not the top of someone else’s preferred people list. But OP seems to be assuming they could invite her and son and just want to exclude them. More likely scenario is there’s limited resources for the event (both space and money) and these two people are not more important to the couple than all the other people on their wish list.

If I invited my parents, siblings, partners and their collective children there’d be no other guests and possibly not even room for me!

It’s disrespectful to have the wedding you want and choose your own guest list? Only on mn! “You absolutely should NOT have the wedding you want and pay for it! Is better to feed the 500 with one appetiser each, than be disrespectful to Auntie Jackie’s sister’s brother’s boy who you’ve never met and not invite him and his partner and kids to your wedding!

I have voted you are unreasonable as in registry office marriages, you can choose certain rooms that only allow for certain amounts of people
It could be they chose a small room that could only have say 10 guests and had to very selective.
My best friend had a registry and even though we are all best friends for 30 years, she only invited a couple of people to the refistry service and then evrryone to the evening event.
For them, the registry was just the formality, the main event was the reception. And they wanted to keep costs very low, which right now is fair enough.
I wouldnt be hurt by this, just probably that they want to keep costs very low and have a very small registry wedding with the evening being the main event.
Not everyone thinks of the actual wedding ceremony as being the main part of their wedding day.

Read your updates.

Your adult son doesn't live with you so I see why they've excluded him now.
Your family are right, you are invited to the fun bit and spared the boring bit.
This man has your back in real life.

YABU.

It's not so much the lack of invite, as many have said the bride and groom are entitled to invite who they want etc. It's the lack of explanation - it's not as if the op is random distant relative, they are the wife of the brother of groom- as someone said earlier in the thread anyone with a bit of emotional intelligence would have just simply explained why...

If the ceremony isn't so much of a big deal then the groom won't be bothered if his brother doesn't attend and only goes to the bit his wife is invited too.

Ah yes, because one person's ability to commit legally to their partner is definitely called into question by checks notes if they dont have specific people in the same room watching. Everyone knows that your ability to respect your ability to respect a marriage spins on if your family members and the people they have chosen to marry are there not, there's this magical thing that happens when you follow made up social rules that means you are suddenly more able to undertake your legal obligations and respect your emotional tie to another person when the people society says have to be there, are there. Its amazing really, how anyone who gets married without anyone there ever manages to have a successful marriage without this magical pixie dust that gets spread when your sister in law watches you say your vows.
Be serious.

You sound very controlling

Why you think you have some kind of control over someone's else's wedding guest list is insane. Maybe there are only 10 spots available for the wedding ceremony and they've only been able to select a few each. Your older son and the brother in law maybe just aren't close enough to selected

At the end of the day it's really nothing to do with you. And the people suggesting you husband shouldn't go or that you should divorce him if he does are completely insane.

I don't count my partners siblings as immediate family and I imagine they dont count me either

My step nephews came into my life when they were 10 & 7 - they were never excluded from any family events, I just can’t imagine doing it. My niece (their sister) would also find it really bizarre if only she was invited to a family event and not her brothers.
Re you not attending the ceremony - I was going to be generous and say it may be room capacity and certainly where I live they do not allow ‘an extra standing at the back’ but the way your bil didn’t expect your dh to tell you the news is really strange and then offering no explanation as to why you aren’t invited is quite rude actually.

As an aside - is it Register Office? A Registry Office? Or a Registrar Office?