Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

My brother only invited me to the reception. He handed me the invitation and I was delighted, then I opened and saw I was only invited to that. I chose not to go, I was really offended.

It’s your DH’s call but I think he should only go to the reception with you and skip the ceremony. Really rude to exclude you.

I agree. It’s reasonable for the older son not to have a +1.

It’s weird - DH is not asking for something that is reasonable and asking for something that is potentially unreasonable.

Which rather implies the whole family have no idea how to behave.

In which case I’d leave them all to it and go to a spa for the weekend.

Did your relationship with your brother recover? How was your relationship prior to that?

Yes but in this circumstance you would hand deliver the invite along with an explanation….

Unpopular answer on MN is that wedding ceremonies are public events, and any Tom, Dick or Harry can attend.
It depends if you want to put your DH in that uncomfortable position, or just auck it up this time.
I am with you OP, but would take it on the chin for DH this time, but would certainly put my relationship with BiL in a different light.

I wouldn't go. I'd actually tell him to shove his wedding up his arse. Although, I'd be more upset that the older child wasn't invited and isn't being treated as family than not being invited to the ceremony.

Perhaps, just as some people don’t want kids at their wedding, brother doesn’t want women at his.

I don't know if there's a solution to this OP because I would expect your DH to be just as baffled and upset as you. Why isn't he bothered about his wife being excluded? That's just crazy to me.

And BIL wanting them to keep it a secret? Who asks someone to keep something from their wife? Is that how he is going to conduct his marriage?

It's laid out very clearly your position in DH'S family so I suppose you can at least be grateful you're off the hook from making any effort at all for any of them. No Xmas cards, gifts, phone calls, family texts, invitations. No, it's all on DH now.

This is what im trying to understand, is it the etiquette or is OP upset because she thinks its saying something about the actual personal relationships between her and her son and BIL.

I would be a bit offended if it was my wedding, and I considered the party to be the important bit, and someone tried to tell me that being invited to the party only was a snub because they considered it to be the 'lesser' event.

But then id never want to attend a ceremony or a party where the host doesn't want me there... i dont want to be invited places out of obligation and I find it a bit odd people do, to be honest!
(and to be clear 'doesn't want' doesn't mean they hate you or are snubbing you, they might just want other people there more and are capped on numbers)

Moving forward if hevisnt already DH would be solely responsible for everything to do with his family. I wouldn't do cards, presents, arrange or cater for gatherings nothing.

Nah, you still want to feel like a valid member of the family, however old you are. 26 year old men have feelings too.

Some people think that the party is the most important bit of a wedding as that's what they find the most fun. Other people (me included) think that the actual legal ceremony i.e. saying of the wedding vows is the most important bit. Sounds like your DH and DS are in the first camp and you are in the latter.

I can completely understand them needing to restrict numbers at the ceremony if it's at a Register Office. Some only allow 2 adult witnesses in attendance, some 6, some 10 etc. But what I can't understand is your BIL choosing your younger son to attend in preference to you, unless there's some backstory? Have you ever fallen out with him or his fiancee? Does he spend a lot of time with your younger son doing a weekly hobby for example?

If there's no obvious explanation, I think I would have to phone him and ask whether you've received the right invitations? Did he mean to invite your son and not you? I wouldn't be cross or difficult about it; I'd just want to get it from the horse's mouth in case there's been a mistake or he can explain it in a way that makes sense to you.

What a silly fuss about nothing. Its only registry office not Westminster Abbey.

The way your DH keeps trying to deflect makes me think he already knew the score before the invites were sent out and that his brother cleared it with him. He doesn't want you to ask questions because it'll confirm that he not only knew but he agreed it was okay to exclude you and his stepson.

My husband is not happy with me and neither is my younger son. They cannot see why I would be bothered over half an hour ceremony. Husband keeps repeating this.

I mean, it's odd. I'm sure there will be a reason, but whatever that reason is (assuming there's not been some kind of family fall out you haven't mentioned) it's still odd.

You do seem to be making an incredibly big deal out of it though. Unless they've specifically chosen to use their wedding as some kind of vehicle to personally offend you (which let's be honest, most likely isn't the case) it hardly seems worth getting this worked up over. You seem more invested in the guest list than they are.

Who knows why they didn't invite your other son, but now you've got DH begging him an invite and a +1? Do you always get involved in things? Maybe that's why you weren't invited 🤷🏻‍♂️

Have a drink in the bar, let your DH/DS sit through the boring bit and enjoy yourself at the party!

Don’t get him to ask about older son’s partner, that’s definitely not ok.

I’d be tempted to arrange a mini holiday for yourself, and oldest son if he fancies it. Or maybe pay for oldest son and his partner to have a hotel mini break , as your family accounts are presumably paying for DH and DS2 to stay 3 nights in a hotel which they could walk home from in their slippers.

You can go for a few days away with a friend.

I wouldn’t be spending 3 days of leave plus actual money on the wedding of someone who didn’t want me there.

That'll show them!

I can't bear grudges like this. Life's too short. It's too much effort.

Agree with this too.

Tell your husband and your son that it doesn't matter if they think you shouldn't care. That you do care and the fact that the BIL didn't want you to know in the first place has upset you.

Tell them the fact that they don't give a toss that you're upset has pushed your estimation for them downwards.and you don't want any of it mentioned to you again.

I'd be gutted if my husband dismissed me being upset about anything like that.

It being a half hour event isn't the point. Despite what some strange people on this thread think

I don't know if there's a solution to this OP because I would expect your DH to be just as baffled and upset as you. Why isn't he bothered about his wife being excluded? That's just crazy to me.

Unless there's some big reveal coming it sounds like DH genuinely doesn't see what the big deal is and just wants to crack on and have a game of golf 🤷🏻‍♂️

Life’s also too short to expend time, money and effort on people who deliberately exclude you from their family and drive wedges between married couples.

Anyone with a smidge of emotional intelligence would have said "Really sorry @Frasierfan but we're having a quick civil ceremony in a tiny room with just parents and siblings present. We're really looking forward to seeing you and the boys after for a proper celebration."

Instead he said nothing, tried to keep it quiet, issued weird separate invitations and excluded one of your sons.

If your H and DS2 think this is a perfectly fine way to treat people then they're wrong.

It's weird. It's like he's literally whittled the short list down to blood relatives regardless of family setup!

Its not about bearing a grudge. I'm not going out of my way to do things for people who don't view me and mine as family. I'll invest my time and energy into people who love and value me. It's Hs family. I'd recognise my position and take a step back. It certainly wouldn't be effort, actually Its the opposite, because it takes a lot of effort and headspace to do all the cards, presents, catering ect.

Given that she's invited to the main event, i.e. the reception, one could hardly call it ostracism. If she wants to see it that way, then she's the one creating the problem.