Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

Don’t ceremonies in England and Wales have to be open to the public by law? Ie you can’t stop people from turning up?

Not at all. In fact, in later life after I'd finished my career, I became a part time Registrar of Ceremonies. I've married over a thousand couples, so I've seen most things by now, including how things can go wrong. If the Register Office room booked is small that's a legitimate reason for limiting numbers, but not for inviting the OP's son and not her without so much as a word of explanation. That's unkind and totally unnecessary.

I repeat, both the BIL and more importantly her husband are being very disrespectful to her as his wife. Moreover, the fact that her 16 year old son thinks he gets to have an opinion about her being upset would not fly in this house!

would not be shocked at all if its your future sister in law dictating this, not BIL.

She wont see you (and especially your son from past relationship) as proper family.

Only in a public place such as a church. Not a private building or Register office.

I don’t think the issue is that the older ds hasn’t been invited to the ceremony, it’s that op hasn’t been invited to attend with her dh. They have chosen to invite op’s youngest ds instead of her! The room may have limits on numbers but why not invite op and her dh together? I would feel it was a snub too.

Not sure that I would be pushing for two extra invites to the reception though.

In future, I would only invite bil to family get together that you arrange and not his dw. I bet that would draw comment from them.

This is somewhat incorrect. They have to be before open doors, so that people are free to legally object to the marriage. That question isn't just for show. 😄 In practice, in this case it would mean that the OP would be free to enter the ceremony room if she wished to object, but not just for the purposes of watching the ceremony.

So many Mumsnet Mums idiots out again..all been so perfect saying just suck it up and don't go of course ..typical them but if it was them they'd be outraged..Back to the post your husband Son and BIL are all arseholes..well suited family it seems..personally I wouldn't go and I'd let the family know why when I next saw them..or I'd go and it would be mentioned at the reception..I'd be wondering if husband has been talking about you also and they dont want you in the photos ? Maybe just go enjoy your 3 days away and bitch about them at the reception..lol

If for example its 10 people and they have 5 each and he's close to.his nephew and doesn't feel close to his sister in law then that's his decision. The other sister in law also isn't invited

And this kind of insane, needless aggression is why some people have no friends and are NC with their families.

It's a wedding ceremony. To which the OP isn't invited. She doesn't get to request an invitation. She is, however, invited with her DH to the reception, and a possible three-night stay in a hotel. That's what is within her power to accept or refuse.

The more you say, OP, the more I'm getting a strong sense that your husband's family are a misogynistic bunch. Is there any truth in that?

There was a similar thread about a dinner party and op was slated. At least from the few posts I have seen you are getting more support. I asked my dh though about the situation and he said he just wouldn't go simple as! People accept us as a couple or not at all. That excludes things like lads/girls only nights before anyone pounces. What they have done to your eldest stinks as well

Every family is different I suppose.
To me an "in-law" is immediate family.
Although obviously the relationships can be very different if you only ever see each other once every 4th Christmas or something compared to being regularly part of each others lives.
The OP seems (or she thought) to have a good relationship with her brother in law of 20 years.
It really should be that if the Bride and Groom can only invite 2 guests then brother and his wife (ie the OP) sounds more logical than brother and his teenage son.

My partners mum got married last year. We have been together 7 years and have a child together. I didn't joining their family photos. I'm actually not in any of them. I'd feel awkward because I don't think of them as my family. I wasn't invited to the hen party. His sister is getting married next year I'm.not invited to her hen either. She didn't invite me to her baby shower and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I probably won't go to the sisters wedding for childcare reasons.

His brothers ex inserted himself in all the photos and they broke up a month later and she was wearing a very bright dress so she really stands out in them too.

People have asked multiple times on this thread what OP and her sons relationship with the BIL is actually like and she has not commented, and none of her posts actually talk about what her relationship with her BIL is like, other than how long her and her son have been in his life, which doesnt automatically equal a good or close relationship. So unfortunately we still dont actually know if she has a relationship with him beyond the basic in law friendliness.

I initially thought you were only invited to the evening reception, but I think it is just the registry office ceremony you are missing. I have been to a registry office wedding where they only had about 30 people in there followed by a fairly big wedding reception. So I wouldn't be mortally offended by not being invited to that.

I think only inviting one of your sons and also inviting him to the whole day is really rude though.

@SnappyJadeJoker I hope you don't mind me asking this but as you say "partner" do you think they don't accept you because you're not a "real" wife (despite having a child together).
Some people are really weird about things like that.
It's sad they leave you out.

I don't think it would make a difference were just not that close. The sister is perfectly nice and I suppose wasn't in charge of the guest list to the shower. We were pregnant at the same time, I didn't have a baby shower so it's possible she thinks I did and didn't tell her.

His mother only has the two grandchildren she spends a few days a week with the other child and sees our son once a year. They were born literally hours apart and it's been this way since the beginning. She treats her daughter a lot differently to her sobs too and although he pretends it doesn't bother him it must be awful to have been neglected this way. From what I can tell even when they were children. She once said she only breastfed the daughter and not the boys as she thought it would have been weird. This has always stick with me as bizarre too.

What a massive fuss over nothing. I am embarrassed for you.

Bit odd but confess that would be the limit of my reaction in a similar situation. I just can't get overly excited.

Certainly too much drama for a 30 minute ceremony when you're there for the majority of it. I agree with DH and son. I also wouldn't ask your questions.

If it bothers you so much either pull back from that particular relationship and/or don't accept the invitation for the rest of it.

Id be delighted. Get the party bit without having to sit through the boring bit

This. The cries to leave your DH if he doesn't decline to attend are laughable. He doesn't see it as something to kick up a stink about because it really really isn't.

Interesting you think that - from the poll it seems you're in the minority here.

So if I was the op I would not be embarrassed.

If I were getting married and numbers were limited in the Register Office, then I might invite DSib and DN not DSib and DSibIL, knowing that DSibIL would be at the reception.

Knowing my DSib, that would probably not be acceptable. I'd need to invite the whole lot of them. DP's Sib would be the same. Just those two families would have exceeded the max.

Great squids think alike 😏

Yes. Exactly this. I have 3 sisters each with a partner and they have 10 children between them. Some are 20 and the youngest is 3. It's likely I would invite my adult neice over my brother in law. I think he'd be perfectly understanding