DP nephew and our new baby

[Girlmummyxox]

Hello

Opinions have been mixed about this so pleade be kind if im being unreasonable. I dont have much experince with autism and its my first baby. So DP nephew is 19 and severely autistic. I say severely as he relies on parents for everything, cannot look after himself and has the mind of a child. I mean no offence by any of this.

He has a bigger brother (not autisitc) and three younger cousins. My little girl is the youngest in the family by quite a bit (dp started family later in life).

Let me say first that nephew is a lovely boy. I genuinely love listening to his movie facts and hearing how passionate he is about games.

Anyway, since our little girl was born (5 months now), he has been.. i cant think of any other word, obsessed with her. Whenever we visit or meet up he has to be the person holding her. When he holds her, he rubs his face all over her and strokes her body. Ive taken her off him before because I find it all a bit creepy. A word me and DP have bickered about. His family encourage him holding her all the time and take lots of pictures of this. DP thinks its because he is unlikely to have a family of his own and they like seeing how happy and gentle he is with a baby. Whenever he gets too close I have started telling him to give her space and sometimes ive taken her back. He has started telling his mum that im giving him into trouble. He sits and just stares at her while being inches from her face. And sometimes kisses her all over, me and dp tell.him to stop. He also always tries taking her from my arms to "show her something" in another room which is usually a laser light or disco ball (she loves colours and movement) but i refuse to let him take her and go with him, while holding her. Why should I? He is a vulnerable adult. As if im letting him take her in another room, alone.
He has now started saying "does she love me??" If we say yes, he gets happy and tries rubbing faces and whispering "i love you too, pretty girl". I dont know, I feel awful as I type all of this but its weird in my opinion.

My issue? Well its crossing boundaries, also I dont want to enable behaviour and id like to set boundaries and expectations now. If my daughter came to me in a few years time telling me another adult was doing this, id be furious. Dp said he understands why I think what I think but his nephew lives in another world and means no harm. He said he doesn't feel the need to speak to his sister as it'll cause offence and what would he even say. Id like him to tell her that she needs to speak to her son about boundaries because it isn't okay.

She has gotten to the age now where she doesn't like being held all the time but this makes him annoyed as she "isn't close to him" he tries to force it until I tell him no. He doesn't like cries and will put his fingers in his ears and shouts "lalalalala" until he is ushered out of the room. They have offered to look after our daughter on so many occasions to let me and my partner go out but its just isnt going to happen.

Partner thinks im unreasonable. Am I?

Thans

No you're absolutely not being unreasonable. I'm not suggesting he has any untoward intentions towards your baby but that doesn't mean you have to let him carry on behaving this way just because it makes him happy. The only focus should be your daughter and what is right and appropriate for her. Keep asserting your boundaries and if no one can respect them then I'd stop taking her round.

No, she's a baby not a doll. I wouldnt allow her to grow up thinking she has to tolerate touch all over from family members- you advocate for her until she is old enough to advocate for herself.

And if she doesn't want to be held or cuddled then she isn't held or cuddled. Baby doesn't have to put up with it just because her cousin is autistic.

Thank you. So many mixed opinions from people in real life, I thought I was being a bitch.

I'm not sure how to vote on this one OP because it's a bit of both tbh.

YANBU if your baby does not want to be held by others, have too much in her space, kisses etc.
Also not unreasonable if you are not comfortable leaving your baby with someone else.

YADBU to label it creepy or imply there is something else on the go. Your DPs nephew sounds severely autistic which also means his actual mental capacity maybe more akin to a toddler/pre-schooler. But you see a young man which is understandable as newer to you.

It's about working ways to redirect him though - she doesn't like being held or she's in a clingy stage but she loves musical toys why don't you show her some etc.

When I had ds my ils expected their dd (7/8 with SN) to have free access to ds. They were highly miffed I refused her pleas to push him up /down the street in his pram. Tbh our relationship never got off the ground after that. Do what feels appropriate to ensure your dc's safety. Around whoever /whenever.. As is your responsibility.. Not to provide a play thing for any relative.

I do feel bad talking the bahaviour creepy. I know 100% there isn't anything untoward but I dont want another adult acting that way towards my baby. I do find it werid. Mental capacity as a child or adult.

I wouldn't like that at all. That is creepy, autistic or not.

I would be very concerned about how he will behave as she gets older too.

Yes, this!!

Completely this.

there are so many many threads at the moment where autistic boys are touching / hugging / hitting, mainly, girls, from what I can see on the threads.
it is absolutely not okay, and needs to be nipped in the bud. She isn't a toy and she shouldn't be touched at all just because he's autistic.

I think you were wrong with 'creepy' although I understand the picture of a, 19 year old man being overly affectionate with a baby could be a worry without context.

YANBU in wanting to create boundaries, it is important for your daughters future autonomy and will ultimately protect DN from hurt by explaining right now rather than allowing it to carry on until DD objects herself or you deem the behaviour is inappropriate.

Stay away from suggesting untoward motivations, concentrate your reasons on your daughters well being and your own boundaries - she's your baby not a pet or plaything.

Some of this will resolve as she becomes a toddler. My 16 month would not put up with any of that and let me tell you, he will make that known 😅

I think don't use the word creepy but do tell them she's a human child, not a doll. Repeat as needed.

Your boundaries all sound normal, it probably just reminds everyone of the painful truth that he is never going to have a normal life. As her mum though, your priority is your baby and her safety, not their feelings.

I would absolutely not let a teenager take my baby alone to another room on purpose. It's weird. Unfortunately you won't be able to trust that side of the family to do any kind of babysitting.

Try to keep your DP on side by being careful what you say. He sounds like a dumb prick tbh but if he's this thick, you need to find another way to cooperate with you.

Autistic or not, you need to protect your DD boundaries while she is unable to.

He said he will talk to his sister if it continues in a few years. But surely that'll be a suprise to everyone. Nip in bud now.

It's unintentionally inappropriate, basically. You are right to insist on boundaries, even if he is unable to recognise those boundaries. Other responsible adults should also be applying and reinforcing those boundaries, and should NOT blame you for insisting on them.
(I have a lot of experience of working with people like your nephew, and indeed one of my uncles (now deceased) was similarly autistic).

Of course it’s creepy - it’s no less so because he’s autistic; your daughter is not a doll. If it continues then I’d stop seeing them - she needs safeguarding and your husband seems incapable of seeing how inappropriate this behaviour really is!

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I understand he's autistic but that doesn't mean that he gets to say what your baby does at all. He sounds a little too intense and I get how that comes across as creepy. I know when my little one was that age he wouldn't have stood for anyone getting in his space that much. And what's going to happen when your little one is big enough to push him away and say no? Is he going to have a meltdown because she doesn't love him enough in his thinking. You e got every right to put boundaries in place and if they keep overstepping them then you're well within your rights to not take her round there at all. Having autism doesn't give you carte blanche to behave in ways that negatively impact other people. Even if his mental capacity is that of a toddler, toddlers are taught everyday about what behaviours are acceptable so there's no reason he can't be taught. It must be so hard for you when feeling so much pressure from the family but your daughter is your family and she's got every right to not be manhandled and stroked constantly. Really hope you can figure out a way to make everyone happy but always put daughters needs first no matter who it offends

I don't think it's unreasonable to have boundaries but I agree that I wouldn't use the word creepy.

Focus on the boundary issues.

I am conflicted too, OP. My uncle has ASN and absolutely dotted on me as a baby. He would often watch me sleep and called me his “darling Princess”. He would hold me and cuddle me and was very protective of me. However, as I grew and developed his affections changed. He doesn’t see me as his princess anymore, now I’m an adult and a wife. He would say I’m DH’s princess now! I adore my uncle and my relationship with him. he has the capacity of around a 8 year old. Some people probably watched us wrestling when I was younger and thought it was inappropriate but it wasn’t and most of my happiest childhood memories involve my uncle. My neighbourhood pals would love when he’d come to visit as he’d come out to play with us and he’d come up with the best games. It saddens me that people would find him creepy because of this, it’s not at all; it’s a reflection of his mental age. Boundaries must be in place for DN and he must be taught what is and isn’t allowed but it’s not creepy.

i work with ASN adults and children now, we often have to remind people of personal space and boundaries. If he isn’t able to comprehend them then it’s absolutely ok to stop the holding etc. I would try to explain she doesn’t like being held anymore and encourage him to bring lasers/lights to her in her bouncer or something instead.

I also wouldn’t write off vulnerable adults as being incapable of being alone with a baby or toddler. I know many that would be perfectly able, despite their disabilities. however, you have to be comfortable as the mother.

I wouldn't get too caught up on the word creepy OP, if you feel creeped out by a 19 year old acting weird towards your baby, you're entitled to feel like that. I would find it creepy too.

Reading this made me a little sad for calling him creepy and not wanting him alone with her. But she's my daughter and I dont feel comfortable. Thank you for your advice.

You are not being at all unreasonable. Regardless of his intentions, any ill impact on your baby will be felt the same by her. Her safety is the most important thing, not someone else's feelings.

To be honest with how intense he is with her I don't think anyone would be comfortable leaving him alone with her. Don't feel guilty for feeling that, you know how it makes you feel so you're protecting your daughter which is what you should do. Anyone trying to make you feel bad for that is being a twat

Dp said he understands why I think what I think but his nephew lives in another world and means no harm.

It doesn't matter what world the nephew is in and what his intentions are.

It is causing harm because it's inappropriate and it's upsetting you. How is this going to play out when your daughter is older? Will she have to put up with this, because your DP is too wet to deal with it.

Deal with it now, because the longer it goes on for the bigger the problem will get.

Not inappropriate remains not appropriate regardless of a diagnosis.

His mental capacity may be that of a toddler, but he has an adult body. He may well have all the usual adult urges, and need help managing boundaries as a result.

I agree that using the word creepy will make people defensive.

There are two issues-
she isn’t a doll, her needs will change over time, and behaviour must be appropriate to her needs not anyone else’s.
As a learning disabled adult who needs support himself, he cannot be solely responsible for such a small child so he shouldn’t take her out of sight.

Find a variety of sentences that reflect those ideas, and keep repeating them. Cycle through them.
Sorry Johnny, she needs one of the grown ups watching her.
Sorry Johnny, she’s had enough now.
I’m her mummy so I’m in charge. I decide what she can do. She needs to stay her with me,

Don’t feel bad, you can’t help how you feel. You haven’t been brought up with ASN so I can imagine it’s hard to adjust to, but wanted to share my perspective as it may help understand your DP’s a bit more. Definitely enforce boundaries but perhaps be mindful of wording as creepy might cause some upset. You’re prioritising your daughter which is the right thing!