DP nephew and our new baby

[Girlmummyxox]

Hello

Opinions have been mixed about this so pleade be kind if im being unreasonable. I dont have much experince with autism and its my first baby. So DP nephew is 19 and severely autistic. I say severely as he relies on parents for everything, cannot look after himself and has the mind of a child. I mean no offence by any of this.

He has a bigger brother (not autisitc) and three younger cousins. My little girl is the youngest in the family by quite a bit (dp started family later in life).

Let me say first that nephew is a lovely boy. I genuinely love listening to his movie facts and hearing how passionate he is about games.

Anyway, since our little girl was born (5 months now), he has been.. i cant think of any other word, obsessed with her. Whenever we visit or meet up he has to be the person holding her. When he holds her, he rubs his face all over her and strokes her body. Ive taken her off him before because I find it all a bit creepy. A word me and DP have bickered about. His family encourage him holding her all the time and take lots of pictures of this. DP thinks its because he is unlikely to have a family of his own and they like seeing how happy and gentle he is with a baby. Whenever he gets too close I have started telling him to give her space and sometimes ive taken her back. He has started telling his mum that im giving him into trouble. He sits and just stares at her while being inches from her face. And sometimes kisses her all over, me and dp tell.him to stop. He also always tries taking her from my arms to "show her something" in another room which is usually a laser light or disco ball (she loves colours and movement) but i refuse to let him take her and go with him, while holding her. Why should I? He is a vulnerable adult. As if im letting him take her in another room, alone.
He has now started saying "does she love me??" If we say yes, he gets happy and tries rubbing faces and whispering "i love you too, pretty girl". I dont know, I feel awful as I type all of this but its weird in my opinion.

My issue? Well its crossing boundaries, also I dont want to enable behaviour and id like to set boundaries and expectations now. If my daughter came to me in a few years time telling me another adult was doing this, id be furious. Dp said he understands why I think what I think but his nephew lives in another world and means no harm. He said he doesn't feel the need to speak to his sister as it'll cause offence and what would he even say. Id like him to tell her that she needs to speak to her son about boundaries because it isn't okay.

She has gotten to the age now where she doesn't like being held all the time but this makes him annoyed as she "isn't close to him" he tries to force it until I tell him no. He doesn't like cries and will put his fingers in his ears and shouts "lalalalala" until he is ushered out of the room. They have offered to look after our daughter on so many occasions to let me and my partner go out but its just isnt going to happen.

Partner thinks im unreasonable. Am I?

Thans

Another poster said it perfectly 'unintentionally inappropriate' - your nephew doesn't know or understand that his behaviour is inappropriate. However, the adults around him should understand that this isn't the type of behaviour that your daughter should have to endure. She's a little human, not a doll to play with, and I think your nephew is viewing your daughter as a toy. As she's getting older, being picked up/held/cuddled isn't something she's going to want or indeed tolerate. Your nephew may well be severely autistic but that can't excuse over the top behaviour. Yes, your husband needs to talk to his sister.

It is creepy, it’s clearly unwanted attention and the OP is totally right to be very wary of his behaviour with the baby.
I would do everything to keep distance between him and the child, especially as the baby doesn’t like the over attentive behaviour either.

Nothing wrong at all with calling it creepy, it creeps you out as would anyone staring or acting obsessively, especially a man, advocate for your daughter, no one else's feelings matter.

You are correct to prioritise your baby here

It’s hard to manage though as nephew is used to being a little indulged by the sounds of it.

DP needs to remember he is dd father first and foremost and he is also your partner and should try to understand your concerns

I would introduce the idea of baby sitting in high chair bouncy chair pushchair etc when you visit

Get him to read to her rather than cuddle all the time

Maybe he would like a baby doll of his own or a cuddly toy? (No idea just a suggestion)

I am autistic and I feel very strongly that you are not being unreasonable. Yes this man doesn't know what he's doing and doesn't mean any harm but as your daughter ages she will start to be more aware of what's going on. If your daughter sees her parents standing by while this man does things that she is uncomfortable with, she may develop the view that it must be okay because mum and dad aren't intervening. That puts her at serious risk from someone who DOES know exactly what they are doing and does mean to harm her.

Keep doing what you are doing.

Just because somebody is autistic doesn't mean they can't display creepy behaviour YANBU

Those pointing out that he is an adult male that will have sexual urges are spot on. There’s quite a bit of research on hypersexuality and paraphilias in autistic men. It’s important for family and caretakers to be aware of this as a possibility for the safeguarding of them and others.

He doesn’t get to have your daughter as his “special interest.” That is inappropriate and unacceptable. How often are you around them? It sounds like you see them rather frequently. I’d cut that right back and he would not be holding her again. He needs to have as little contact as possible until his interest wanes and he stops obsessing over and fixating upon her. It doesn’t sound like his family, including your partner, are realistic about his behaviour and what boundaries should be in place. His tantrums when she cries are particularly concerning and that alone would be an impetus for me to cut contact frequency and duration way, way back.

Of course it's creepy! Being disabled doesn't mean he can't hurt or abuse a baby FFS. Keep her well away.

I wouldn't be ok with that. Not sure how you'll be able to stop it. Your DH will have to speak with SIL in order to find a way forward. Your DD is entitled to having boundaries put in place for her.

I remember adults wanting to hug and kiss me when I was a cute child and I hated it.

Yanbu.
I'd he putting and keeping large amounts of space between them with zero unsupervised contact (and i mean supervised by someone sensible like me / DH not your pil)

I would be advocating hard for my dd and assertting boundaries as itnwill only.get worse as she gets bigge.
I'd also have ZERO tolerance for any adults encouraging or endorsing His unintentionally inappropriate behaviour. They should be correcting it not condoning or excusing it.

He doesnt get a free pass to do whatever "because autism" She is a person too.
It must be so uncomfortable for her. Poor little dd.

Its not you or your daughters fault he is autistic, as said it dosent give him a free pass to do what he wants

Your other half/partner sounds abit weak.

I think you need to get it clear in your head what is actually a genuine concern for your babies safety and what isn't before setting boundaries.
Calling him creepy is just mean and offensive. My friend has a brother with learning disability, if anyone called him creepy she would rightly be very angry and the person would be cut out of her life, even a partner, so I can see why your partner disagreed with the wording. Many people with learning disabilities have unfairly been given that label by bullies.
Nephew loves your DD, and as his mental age is that of a child and he is autistic he doesn't recognise what would be typical of a normal adult.
You are right to follow him to other rooms to ensure your baby is safe. Setting a boundary about kissing all over is good. I don't think there's anything wrong with him saying he loves her, looking at her or showing her things she would enjoy. I'd be careful with how you handle this or it could cause a huge rift in the family and maybe in your relationship.

YANBU, it’s inappropriate and I wouldn’t feel comfortable either. Yes, he has additional needs but there should still be boundaries, his parents having some conversations/ social stories about how to be around a new baby? Keep doing what you’re doing, she’s a baby not a play thing.

Hi, I’m autistic as is my son (aged 10. ) when my dn was born DS was completely obsessed with him. It was lovely (but obviously DS is a child so it is different ) even so we had to put boundaries in place. He got to have first cuddles but anyone else got a turn too and if dn cried he needed his mum and dad. Ds got use to it (he’s better if things are consistent)
But he got bored once dn started moving and became more toddler.
Hopefully this is a short term issue but yes I would put some boundaries in place and ask family to support. (So you are not the bad guy)

I have an autistic child and I would never let him behave like that. Something I’ve noticed about my own child (and seen in others) is impulse control. Suddenly he will make a movement with his body or his head or his arm and someone will get hurt.
It can happen without warning.

You don’t have to allow your nephew anywhere near your baby. There is no way I would allow him to kiss and put his hands all over my child.

I took it that the OP was labelling the behaviour as creepy, not her nephew. My autistic son is a young adult and has understanding closer to his age then your nephew, but he has very good understanding of personal space and autonomy as he has been taught it since he was a toddler, that’s my and DHs job. We all do it with toddler siblings and it’s no different for an autistic child or young adult it just needs to be at an appropriate level for them to understand otherwise we are infantilising those with ASD and patronising them. If your nephew can talk to you about his games, I presume he can understand that it could be frightening for baby if you get too close to her face etc. A pp suggested practising with a doll inappropriate and appropriate behaviour which would be a good way of helping him understanding. He can then be praised when he gets it right. His parents are letting him down. You are doing the right thing for your daughter.

Anyone can be creepy. I would find that behaviour around my child to be creepy. He doesn’t get a pass due to his autism and intellectual disabilities.

In this instance OP, you really need to put your foot down firmly. Your daughters safety come first and foremost before anyone else's. I'm sorry that the young man has severe learning disabilities, but as other PPs have stated, its not a free pass to do whatever he wants.
It might upset some people but that's the way it must be

Thank you for articulating so clearly what I wanted to say but was feeling to het up to write, so I’m glad you did! I must say some of the language and nasty insinuations on this thread about a person with a severe disability are upsetting.

OP try redirecting nephew to showing your baby some toys or books. Engage with him when he’s holding her, and encourage him with engaging with baby in an appropriate way, teach him what you would like to see, then give him praise and thanks when he does. Instead of making this into a big family issue, turn it around into something positive and get dh and other family members on board to help.

I think you’ve been more than reasonable. I wouldn’t let any adult rub their face over my baby and, although the phrasing might be different to an adult with SEN, I’d still be putting a stop to it. I also wouldn’t let him hold the baby unless he’s sitting down, and certainly not take her into a different room.

It’s not his fault but he’s being done a disservice by his family who aren’t correcting his behaviour. I can understand why you find it creepy. Nobody can say whether it is or not without knowing the young man involved. But, as said by a PP, even men with a mental age of a young child have physical urges, so it’s perfectly reasonable to set boundaries about what’s appropriate and what’s not. Trust your instinct.

Personally, I wouldn’t wait for the sister to say something. I’d start being firmer and laying down boundaries yourself. Do it kindly and gently, but do it - for the sake of your daughter. She’s not a toy for him to play with, however innocent his intentions, and he needs to understand that and respect that.

He remains a young man despite being autistic,and it's reasonable to say he may pose a threat simply through his parents and the other adults onfantalising him but also overestimating his capacity to regulate.

It's absolutely not appropriate for a 19 yr old without capacity to kiss a baby all over or take her into another room alone. Also if he's annoyed by crying can he be trusted not to accidentally lash out? I'm guessing not.

Op you are right to be wary, she is a baby and needs to be protected more than sils feelings. I say that as someone with an autistic child and autistic nephew and also a 19 yr old autistic niece who when my eldest was a baby would try to take him and walk off and her parents thought nothing of it. Yet she definitely didn't have the capacity to be alone in charge of a baby.

It's not quite true to say someone has the mind of a child if they are an adult. Adults have different hormones and therefore without adult capacity there is a different level of concern. Rage or misinterpreted urges are something both the baby and the nephew need protecting from

Agree with this 👆 💯 %

Creepy is harsh but I get why you feel this way
Can dp buy him a reborn baby? You can get some really cute ones from Tiktok shop that aren't that expensive