DP nephew and our new baby

[Girlmummyxox]

Hello

Opinions have been mixed about this so pleade be kind if im being unreasonable. I dont have much experince with autism and its my first baby. So DP nephew is 19 and severely autistic. I say severely as he relies on parents for everything, cannot look after himself and has the mind of a child. I mean no offence by any of this.

He has a bigger brother (not autisitc) and three younger cousins. My little girl is the youngest in the family by quite a bit (dp started family later in life).

Let me say first that nephew is a lovely boy. I genuinely love listening to his movie facts and hearing how passionate he is about games.

Anyway, since our little girl was born (5 months now), he has been.. i cant think of any other word, obsessed with her. Whenever we visit or meet up he has to be the person holding her. When he holds her, he rubs his face all over her and strokes her body. Ive taken her off him before because I find it all a bit creepy. A word me and DP have bickered about. His family encourage him holding her all the time and take lots of pictures of this. DP thinks its because he is unlikely to have a family of his own and they like seeing how happy and gentle he is with a baby. Whenever he gets too close I have started telling him to give her space and sometimes ive taken her back. He has started telling his mum that im giving him into trouble. He sits and just stares at her while being inches from her face. And sometimes kisses her all over, me and dp tell.him to stop. He also always tries taking her from my arms to "show her something" in another room which is usually a laser light or disco ball (she loves colours and movement) but i refuse to let him take her and go with him, while holding her. Why should I? He is a vulnerable adult. As if im letting him take her in another room, alone.
He has now started saying "does she love me??" If we say yes, he gets happy and tries rubbing faces and whispering "i love you too, pretty girl". I dont know, I feel awful as I type all of this but its weird in my opinion.

My issue? Well its crossing boundaries, also I dont want to enable behaviour and id like to set boundaries and expectations now. If my daughter came to me in a few years time telling me another adult was doing this, id be furious. Dp said he understands why I think what I think but his nephew lives in another world and means no harm. He said he doesn't feel the need to speak to his sister as it'll cause offence and what would he even say. Id like him to tell her that she needs to speak to her son about boundaries because it isn't okay.

She has gotten to the age now where she doesn't like being held all the time but this makes him annoyed as she "isn't close to him" he tries to force it until I tell him no. He doesn't like cries and will put his fingers in his ears and shouts "lalalalala" until he is ushered out of the room. They have offered to look after our daughter on so many occasions to let me and my partner go out but its just isnt going to happen.

Partner thinks im unreasonable. Am I?

Thans

I'm glad you feel bad about using the word creepy and slightly suggesting that his behaviour will led to issues down the line.
However, I can understand why you want boundaries. Explain to your partner your worries ie his intensity, hopefully a middle ground will be found.

Trust your instincts, just because he has special needs doesn’t mean he cannot be taught boundaries & respect. Protect your child regardless of DP’s family

Im not slightly suggesting. I am full on saying there will be issues as I am not happy with an adult acting like that full stop. Will he harm her? I actually dont know. He throws tantrums when she cries, would he direct that to her? I dont know. Im not willing to learn more about it, my daughter is my concern not his feelings. I am sorry for his family he wont live a normal life or have a family but it shouldn't be used as an excuse to excuse behaviour.

Agreed … it is creepy.
Please trust your instincts.
maybe it’s all totally harmless, but I’d wouldn’t want it for my baby , or myself as a child….. as the behaviour won’t changes as your dd grows.
What happens if dd upsets him?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable for not wanting him to be alone with her - you say he has the mind of a child, and I’m assuming you’re talking about his mental capacity here? You wouldn’t let a child take a baby off into another room, and that would be nothing to do with their character.

I think you are being unreasonable for calling him creepy though. But that doesn’t mean his behaviour is acceptable and he should be allowed to continue.

To clarify, of course im wiling to learn more about any disability / MH to exapnd my knowledge and know how to act / react in situations but im not willing to leanr more to to enable behaviour around my daughter that makes me uncomfortable. Thats what I meant.

Can you rechannel his interest so that your boundaries are respected but he still can interact with your DD? (Imagine in 18 years your child is the adult with autism and how you would want them to be treated.) So say if you don't want him to hold her or only for a short time. Not rubbing faces etc is to prevent spreading germs and illnesses. He can fetch toys or books, sing to her, help prepare food or drinks when she starts weaning. He can learn different ways to play with her and make her laugh as she gets older.

I would not like this at all, and I’d have concerns about the wider family allowing it.

Why are you glad she feels bad?

Of course his behaviour will lead to issues down the line, it's causing issues now!

It's 'creepy' i.e. inappropriate for an adult man to be rubbing his face all over a baby who is not his own (or at all really, we don't rub our faces over babies really do we?). It's inappropriate regardless of what his motivations or intentions are - and as the child becomes older it will only become even more inappropriate. The other adults who are responsible for this vulnerable young man need to model and enforce boundaries for them, and one of those boundaries is he doesn't try to take a baby out of her mother's arms into another room, and he doesn't rub his face all over a baby.

The issues it going to cause/ is causing is that this is a human child who does not exist solely to make other adults - whatever their issues or vulnerabilities may be - feel better. She needs to learn about consent, and about the kinds of touch that are appropriate and from whom.

Whoever is this young man's responsible adult needs to focus on teaching him these boundaries. OP is responsible for her baby, for keeping her safe and comfortable - and she should continue to do so and be supported in that by her DP, the baby's father - no matter how uncomfortable it makes him.

Im autistic myself with an autistic child and your post made my skin crawl. I wouldn't have him holding my child for love nor money, I wouldn't allow my son to behave like that either. I wouldn't care who it offends either.

It looks like your DD has become his 'special interest'. Have a look at the various websites to help your understanding of autism particularly in young adults.

There are lots of ways you can support his time with your DD that keeps your boundaries firmly in place and doesn't make you feel like he is being 'creepy'. He isn't being creepy, he just doesn't understand social conventions and how to behave around babies.

So glad that you posted this because a lot of people seem to be trying to make OP feel bad about her concerns. Being autistic yourself and with an autistic child even you see it's all kinds of wrong.

OP some poor poster on another thread was raped by an older autistic boy as a little girl.
Having autism or a LD doesn't mean men don't have urges and adult bodies, add to that a clear lack of understanding of boundaries.

I agree. I'm not autistic but I am ND.

i posted on another thread yesterday, under a different username as I'm trying to have some sort of anonymity here but the SEN kid who had 'harmless strong interest' in me as a child shoved his penis in my mouth when I was 8 years old.

not saying this person in question will do the same but impulsiveness can and does lead to sexual abuse. Nothing anyone could have done would've stopped it. It happened so fast and there was never a single sign that it would happen before. Aside from too many hugs and cuddles for many years before.

please protect her OP, you're doing the right thing for sure. But that was me who posted about it on another thread if anyone recognises it. Just under a different UN.

Thank you, this was me. Under a different username but that was me who posted about that. Thank you for highlighting ❤️

People see the word special needs and think that gives another individual the right to trample over others boundaries and personal space. In my opinion it doesn't, if the person can't be taught about boundaries, then its up to their care giver to step in . But some just prefer the easy life imo. I see it all the time where families give in for the quite life

Completely agree with you. And if his mental capacity is toddler age, that's still a toddler with a man's body. Doesn't bear thinking about what could happen if he's got no boundaries instilled in him around op's baby

It stuck in my head as I felt so awful for you reading that 😥

It isn't OP's responsibility to further her understanding of autism so that she can better understand why this man should be allowed to have her baby daughter as his special interest.

Of course it's on all of us to take the time to learn about diverse needs and disabilities, and to be understanding and inclusive where we can.

But OP does not need to be 'inclusive' when it comes to her baby, and she should't be made to feel like this is on her - she's a new mum and the only responsibility she has here is to do what is in her baby's best interests.

She doesn't need to find ways to support him in sticking to her boundaries - he needs to stick to her boundaries full stop, and the adults responsible for HIS care (which is not OP) need to ensure he does this. If he doesn't, then OP is under no obligation whatsoever to 'support his time' with her baby.

As has been said - this is not a doll, she does not need to be shared out 'fairly' or used to support a vulnerable adult at all. If they can have a relationship that benefits both, then great - but it's not up to OP to figure out how to make that work, or to ignore her own feelings of discomfort and her daughter's obvious discomfort to make everyone else feel better.

he may have the mind of an 8-year-old however I see this is a cop out even eight-year-olds can cause harm intentional or not. And this is why OP is uneasy. If it was an actual 8 year-old carrying on like this, they would be told that the baby needs space etc
He needs to learn the same

It’s all about managing the situation
id try things like taking the lead and together with him put her in bouncy chair and sit with them think of games and interactions that don’t need or involve close contact

your right because as any kid get more mobile they don’t like been held and will natural start to pull away

It sounds like no one in his family has taught him what is appropriate behaviour with a baby …. So unfortunately it will fall to you to put the boundaries in place . As no one else is going to do so .
Not how it should be … but your baby is your priority and it’s up to you to protect her .

Yes this
It's unclear from your Op what his understanding, is you say severely autistic but that means different things to different people ,
The issue is he's overstepping boundaries ,he may not have the cognitive ability to understand that but that doesn't matter
He needs redirection away from your baby.

YANBU to say that your baby needs space and that constant physical contact is too much. And YANBU to say that nobody should be holding her without your consent or trying to take her from you when you are holding her.

However, YABU to imply that he has some kind of sinister motive for any of this or that he's trying to be creepy. He doesn't. He just doesn't understand that it's all too much and that personal space is important even for a baby. This needs kindly explaining to him.

Yes I agree my son wouldnt have the capacity to understand boundaries ,but its up to me to put them in place.