DP nephew and our new baby

[Girlmummyxox]

Hello

Opinions have been mixed about this so pleade be kind if im being unreasonable. I dont have much experince with autism and its my first baby. So DP nephew is 19 and severely autistic. I say severely as he relies on parents for everything, cannot look after himself and has the mind of a child. I mean no offence by any of this.

He has a bigger brother (not autisitc) and three younger cousins. My little girl is the youngest in the family by quite a bit (dp started family later in life).

Let me say first that nephew is a lovely boy. I genuinely love listening to his movie facts and hearing how passionate he is about games.

Anyway, since our little girl was born (5 months now), he has been.. i cant think of any other word, obsessed with her. Whenever we visit or meet up he has to be the person holding her. When he holds her, he rubs his face all over her and strokes her body. Ive taken her off him before because I find it all a bit creepy. A word me and DP have bickered about. His family encourage him holding her all the time and take lots of pictures of this. DP thinks its because he is unlikely to have a family of his own and they like seeing how happy and gentle he is with a baby. Whenever he gets too close I have started telling him to give her space and sometimes ive taken her back. He has started telling his mum that im giving him into trouble. He sits and just stares at her while being inches from her face. And sometimes kisses her all over, me and dp tell.him to stop. He also always tries taking her from my arms to "show her something" in another room which is usually a laser light or disco ball (she loves colours and movement) but i refuse to let him take her and go with him, while holding her. Why should I? He is a vulnerable adult. As if im letting him take her in another room, alone.
He has now started saying "does she love me??" If we say yes, he gets happy and tries rubbing faces and whispering "i love you too, pretty girl". I dont know, I feel awful as I type all of this but its weird in my opinion.

My issue? Well its crossing boundaries, also I dont want to enable behaviour and id like to set boundaries and expectations now. If my daughter came to me in a few years time telling me another adult was doing this, id be furious. Dp said he understands why I think what I think but his nephew lives in another world and means no harm. He said he doesn't feel the need to speak to his sister as it'll cause offence and what would he even say. Id like him to tell her that she needs to speak to her son about boundaries because it isn't okay.

She has gotten to the age now where she doesn't like being held all the time but this makes him annoyed as she "isn't close to him" he tries to force it until I tell him no. He doesn't like cries and will put his fingers in his ears and shouts "lalalalala" until he is ushered out of the room. They have offered to look after our daughter on so many occasions to let me and my partner go out but its just isnt going to happen.

Partner thinks im unreasonable. Am I?

Thans

Oh puleeeeeease

his BEHAVIOUR is creepy, not HIM.
Also no, why should the OP be forced to allow someone she doesn't want to hold and cuddle her child!?

the mother of the autistic boy who raped me had this same attitude. 'He's no harm, he's not creepy, he doesn't understand.'

no means NO!

I think that a two minute cuddle is acceptable when the entire family will be cuddling the baby??

I am not saying that his behaviour can continue, but needs to be managed because its not right to exclude him.

And sorry that you were raped by an autistic man - that is terrible and I am pleased you survived. I never advocate for men and their ways but this imo is different.

I dont think that the op is anywhere near that scenario happening

But yes 'creepy' is nasty. It just is.

It's not nasty. It's an accurate description of his behaviour. Doesn't mean it's his fault, but it is creepy.

Your main job is to protect your vulnerable child not accommodate other people’s needs and feelings. She is not a toy.

I’m so sorry for what happened to you, but it sounds like you are projecting here. There’s nothing in the OP to suggest this young man could be a rapist. His behaviour sounds typical to me of someone with a severe learning disability, which it sounds like he has as part of his autism. He almost certainly won’t that it’s inappropriate, but he could be encouraged to engage with baby in a more positive way. Please try not to tar all young men with autism with the same brush because of the horrendous thing that happened to you.

No its a description meant to cause offense

An accurate description of his behaviour is inappropriate

People can use whatever language they want, I am not the language police, but this young man is the op's family and labelling him creepy to her husband, his brother is nasty.

I hope that moving forward the op protects the baby by insisting on a two minute supervised hug policy and gifts from the baby in future, rather than isolating a kid who may one day go on to understand whats happened here

Disagree. It is fucking creepy and she should be able to express how she feels to her husband.

Im confused, why am I or DP to buy nephew gifts?? Enabling and rewarding behaviour in my view!! Nope.

I was feeling pretty angry too. The way people view and treat people with learning disabilities can be awful. It's really sad to still see such a lack of understanding.

His behaviour is creepy not him. But, would he go on to harm my baby? Don't know, I can't predict this boys behaviour. Maybe he would overstep a boundary as he has done many a times and not realise a crime is being committed. Their mind might make them exempt from facing full legal consequences but I wont be taking any chances. No alone time (same with any child), no taking her from my arms (inappropriate and rude), no forcing her to be held (Innappropriate) and no rubbing his face (just strange and I dont care if that offends.. if bob down the road did that, id be thinking he was a weirdo!). Thanks for replies. I am not being bitchy and will continue keeping daughter safe and reinforcing boundaries. Next time a photoshoot is going to happen, I'll say "take one of us three" and then move on to feeding her. She isnt there to entertain and I wont be enabling creepy behaviour. My daughter is buying nothing "from her" to give him. Simply because she isn't with other cousins. He isn't special and I am not rewarding him.

Nope. Your baby your boundaries and I would fall out with family over this any day of the week.

Absolutely. It's nonsense to claim this man can't be creepy because he has autism.

Also, for info, I've never judged this boy and have enjoyed many conversations with him. I enjoy spending time with him but im not okay with his behaviour to me daughter. Thats not on him, thays his parents. If they wont correct him, I will severely limit time he has with her. Its not my job to teach but I wont be made to feel uncomfortable or put my daughter at risk.

@mumofoneAloneandwell She’s still allowed to call the behaviour creepy because it is creepy. When did we start telling women to pipe down again incase we hurt someone’s feelings? Fuck that. Her daughter comes first over anyone’s feelings. She felt it was creepy so called it out. If he wasn’t being creepy she would have no need to call it out. Simple as that.

I'd bear in mind the strong genetic links with autism and consider your DD may be called creepy by strangers on the Internet in the future. Imagine it's a family member that actually starts that thread too.

I disagree with you talking about someones autistic nephew

The behaviour isn't okay but labelling someone who cant help it as creepy, the same language you'd use for a nonce, is nasty and the kid deserves better from his aunt

Creepy for lack of understanding is one thing. Creepy for allowing inappropriate behaviour is another.

I would find it creepy too. A previous poster said its wrong and he has the mind of a child etc, but surely autistic people still reach sexual maturity etc? NOT that I'm suggesting anything, but as to why it's creepy

Totally agree, there's not a nice vibe coming from the OP in regards to her nephew.

Ive said i like the boy and have enjoyed spending time with him in the past but find his behaviour creepy. What am I to do? Thats okay, youre autistic, to hell with my feelings, you crack and do what you like.. but if other men did that it would be WrOnGgGG

100%

I am not an expert on the subject of autism but understand there can be various degrees of the disability. I fully understand OP's feelings regarding possible unsafety of her daughter with this young man. I would not want some of those things as described by OP done to any baby of mine either. In fact I would try to go no contact between them and explain why - whether DH and his family like it or not.

No one is doing the young man any favours if he’s not being helped to understand boundaries, personal space, inappropriate touching, individuals’ autonomy etc.

i dislike how OP has used the word creepy. But her wish and expectation that her baby isn’t to be treated as a doll is more than reasonable.

it’s a shame that the lad’s family are enabling behaviours in him that could see him in trouble one day. It is their responsibility to help him learn how to behave respectfully to others.

You've already been given suggestions tbh but youre still saying hes creepy

You dont sound like you like him at all

Hopefully your husband can work with his family to protect the baby and to ensure his brother is not excluded from bring an uncle, in only an appropriate, monitored way.

Dont disagree with your concerns in the slightest, but just the way you speak about him, which sounds like its offended others too 😕

I'd use much worse language for a nonce.