To not invite DM for Xmas knowing she's alone with MH illness

[SimplyPie]

I don't know what to do.
DM is 76.
Lives alone.
Zero friends - can't maintain healthy relationships due to lack of boundaries or understanding about how her behaviour impacts on others.
Lifelong mental illness which is untreated as she won't engage with mental health services or her GP. The reason for her refusing to engage is due to the mental illness itself.
Mixture of unstable PD, lifelong depression, clinical anxiety, PTSD, self harm, self neglect, emotional dysregulation, ASD and ADHD.
Refuses medication and refuses therapy - lifelong refusal.
Her MI caused a caused a difficult childhood for DB and me and I carry this with me through my adulthood.
She raised us as a single parent.
DB is now NC with DM for his own MH protection and he aportions a lot of blame on her for his own depression and anxiety.
All of our extended family are NC with DM due to the emotional difficulties and challenges she presents in trying to maintain a long standing relationship.
Christmas is a huge MH trigger for her.
We have her to stay for a few days over Christmas and it is very hard work.
She is an emotional rollercoaster between being irritable, snapping at me and DH, talking in a stream of consciousness about her ongoing difficulties, devastation about not seeing DB and his children at Christmas anymore, crying, desperately wanting to spend every waking minute with my DC over Christmas on an emotional level whilst at the same time showing a complete lack of engagement with them on a demonstratable level, being non stop highly stressed, anxious, zero ability to sit through a kids Christmas movie with them or play a game with them, too distracted to get through a conversation with - she can't keep track of anything I try to talk to her about, and physically as unhelpful towards the general busyness of Christmas as it's possible to be. Sits there for entire days not moving. Doesn't occur to her to pitch in and help.
It's just bloody hard work and I feel like crying at the thought of another Christmas like it.
When the DC were little they'd bounce around excitedly not noticing all this. But they're getting older now and are beginning to pick up on things.
The thing is DM isn't mentally unwell but lovely with it. She isn't vulnerable in the sense that she leaves you feeling like you want to look after her. She's verbally argumentative all the time. She's hostile. She never smiles. She's paranoid in a negative way. She's accusatory. She can start an attack of arguing out of nowhere. Her conversation just goes round and round in a negative spiral. Every word she utters is negative. Endless moaning. I can have a completely neutral expression on my face and she'll argue at me for looking at her in an angry way.
I must add that we really are nice to her. Buy all her favourite food. Adapt food and cooking to her liking. Abandon family activities that DH and DC and me enjoy because she doesn't want to do them. Tip toe around her endlessly changing mood. Buy her really thoughtful and lovely gifts. Turn down social offers we'd personally love to accept because she stays for days. Pick her up. Drive her home. We appease her on every level.
And then after it's all over, she'll spend days texting me about how she knows me and DH hate her but she only comes to stay so tbat she can see my DC who she regularly tells me are her only reason for living.
The older I'm getting the more she is impacting on my wellbeing. I'm pretty strong and I think I've been pretty emotionally resilient through my life, considering I've been raised by a mother who's been like tgis my whole life. But strangely, I feel more affected by her behaviour in my middle age now than I did in my 20s and 30s, even though it has now been much longer since I lived with her (I left home at 18 which I spent 2 decades being either cried at or argued at about, with her blaming me for abandonment). I don't quite understand why it's all affecting me more now at this age.
So......I can hear you all thinking dont invite her over then. But the alternative is she sits at home alone with the TV and a microwave meal, and despite how impossible she is to get along with, I know about her life traumas and I understand those traumas are the reason for her illness, and knowing that makes me feel like I'd spend the entire Christmas feeling such guilt that I wouldn't enjoy it anyway.
I have tried all my life to support and love her.
But I can feel my brain is beginning to change now, after the effects of all these years of dealing with this.
And I just want to say - I hate serious mental illness. I really truly hate it and all it's harmful, toxic, devastating repercussions.
I hate it. I feel defeated by it.😞

It's ok to say no. Give yourself permission.

It is getting harder to handle because you are now a few years into motherhood yourself, and it makes the difference in your own experience of being mothered even starker. Maybe?

Give yourself, DH and DCs a year off from her. See her for one day - ideally an outing somewhere suitable for the DCs rather than just at yours.

Exactly what I was thinking. Your poor children.. Why on earth do you put them through this..

Oh poor you. You've done enough.

The serious effect she had on you and your DB growing up is the serious effect she's going to have on your children now. Your brother has decided to protect himself and his family from the horrible impact his mother has, and nobody is going to blame him for that - he is responsible for the well-being of his family, as you are for yours.

Look at what you've written about how unpleasant she is, and consider the effect of that on your children. Is that what you want your children's Christmas memories to be like?

I could not and would not ever inflict this on my dc (having had a toxic SD), and I don't believe you want to either. You have agency, they don't. Protect them from her. You may pity her as being unable to help herself, but that doesn't mean she gets to be horrible to you and your kids.

It's affecting you more now because you're a Mum who is conscious of the impact on your child.

When I had therapy about my childhood the therapist said it is very very common for people's breaking point to be either when they find out they are going to be parents or the moment they realise they wouldn't allow their child to be treated how they were.

You are perfectly entitled to have a nice Christmas with your husband and your children.

What a sad situation @SimplyPie 💐

Ny Dad has suffered from lifelong mental illness and can also be very difficult to ge around. The key difference is that he accepts help (counselling) and takes medication. This makes him far more stable and easier to be with, despite the odd wobble.

Your Mum is choosing not to address her illness and that’s why she’s in her current situation with no friends and your DB going no contact with her. This isn’t your fault, you’ve tried to give her a nice Christmas previously, but you need a break. She’s created this situation and perhaps she needs to face up to it this year. It could even shock her into seeking help perhaps.

I only had to read first 2 paragraphs before saying yanbu

Doesn’t sound like she is capable of taking any responsibility for her own behaviours.
I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to do it again this year. Sounds like you’re really torn. Is there possibility of a compromise, such as one day/night only? Even a day that isn’t Christmas Day itself.

YANBU. Your brother has done the right and sensible thing; time for you to do the same.

Going no contact is scary and it isn't easy, but it's so worth it.

I am also giving you permission not to invite your mother for Christmas - or any other time if you choose not to. Do not let FOG (Fear, Obligation or Guilt) damage your family’s future. Let them see you enforce your boundaries … and have a wonderful, mum-free Christmas

I think it's really hard to fathom the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that go along with dealing with a close family member like this, unless you've lived it. It's also intensified by the feminine socialisation that makes us feel we have to step into a caretaking role and put others' needs ahead of our own.

As others have said, you absolutely have permission to prioritise your kids, family and own self here. Her situation is a result of her choices - you can empathise with it, but you didn't create it, nor can you control it. You're not responsible for her happiness, and you're allowed to draw that line.

Don't have her. Put your own family first, over her. It is sad that she is like this, but you can't (and should not have to) tolerate it any longer, particularly over Christmas.

I saw something the other day from 'The Courage to be Disliked' and it basically said you decide what is 'your task' and what is 'their task'. So 'your task' is to decide what you want at Christmas - (no mother) and 'her task' is to make of this what she will. She can be bitter, or angry, or accusing, or miserable. But NONE of this is your problem. You choose your actions and whatever other people think or feel is their issue - not yours.

Just have a lovely time for once. You don't need to feel guilty, or bad, or sad or anything else. If it helps, you can keep reminding yourself that she'll feel just as bitter and shit at your house as she will at her own, because it's all in her head and nothing will stop that. A change of scenary does not magically 'cure' her or make her happy and content in any way.

You sound like a total angel but enough is enough now. Time to call it a day and go very low or no contact with her if you can. What do you get out of the relationship. Sounds like you have classic FOG which your Mother manipulates a treat. Only you can stop it as she won’t.

You have to put your own children first. See your mother another day. You can be a supportive and kind person and still have good boundaries.

Is it possible you’ve fallen into some “all or nothing” thinking about this?

You don’t have to have her over to stay, but nor does she have to be alone for the whole period. Meet her out somewhere on a different day for a meal- it’s time limited then.

I do think you owe your kids some protection from her.

I also don’t think you’re doing her any favours by continuing to accept her behaviours without consequence. Does she have any insight into her behaviours and their impact?

OP, you poor thing. However, it does sound like a lot of the issues with your mum are of her choosing - she doesn't have to be negative, accusatory, unhelpful, difficult or closed-minded... these are all things she can actively choose not to do, but she doesn't.

This sounds unbearably hard on you all, but I'd imagine the person least affected by her behaviour over those few days is her. I can understand the guilt that comes with having a parent like this, but you know how you feel and maybe this is the time to do something different?

You could be clever and say how you've noticed she's never happy when she comes to stay and you appreciate it's not working for her, so you've arranged a different type of Christmas this year, and you'll see her the weekend before?

Or, be honest, and say it's been a full-on year and you're not up to hosting and you need a few days of peace and quiet with your DC, and that's end of story. If you're feeling generous, and want to alleviate some of the guilt, order her some M&S food from Ocado to be delivered so you know she has supplies, and then focus on those who will make your Christmas special.

She will be unhappy wherever she is, at home or with your, but this way, it will affect less of you, even if you do feel terribly guilty. And when the guilt comes, remind yourself that of all the ways her behaviour have affected you, and this is you righting those wrongs, and doing the right thing for yourself, and for your own DC.

Stay strong.

How would she be if you talked to her about her behaviour?

Not in a shitty way - I mean could you set out any boundaries?

I feel your pain although my situation is slightly different. I totally understand why it is difficult for my relative which is why I feel so sad about them not coming. They are a victim. I am also a victim of their behaviour. I would rather we weren't facing such decisions but we are. No matter the cause they will never change without seeing the impact of how they present to the world and then, even if they do, there are no guarantees that it will bring change. It helps me to remember that I need to step in and not expose the rest of my family to such awful behaviour. I need to protect them.
Just my two pence.
It's hard

Oh a lot of this resonates with me.

Particularly the bit about finding it more difficult now we are a bit older. The last few years I've felt really upset on a few occasions about not really having a mum at all in the normal sense of the word. Someone who I can trust was there for me, talk about my problems with, come to for advice, even just a cuddle.

Im in a similar quandary about Christmas. I know I owe her nothing but I also know its not her fault she's like this. She doesn't know how to be any other way. Its obvious she's deeply unhappy a lot of the time. I have a nice life, surely I can find it in me to give a bit occasionally? I cant leave my own mum alone on Christmas can I?

But being with her is so deeply unpleasant. So triggering. And letting her interact with my kids makes me want to scream for it to stop, to protect them. Hug them away from it. I don't know what to do either.

Sorry. Not helpful. But hard relate.

Echo what someone said about thinking about what sorts of memories it creates for your children. If they are more aware of how DM behaves it will impact them. They will remember a time of everyone being stressed because of their GM and her creating a stressful situation and going on about your brother who isn't even there.

Could you drop staying over for days and maybe go and see her for a few hours?

You sound as if you feel guilty not seeing her because it is Christmas and it is meant to be a family time, all those adverts about not being alone/leaving other people alone at Christmas. But having her over would make the entire time shit for everyone including her.

So don't do it.

My DH has stopped inviting his DM over. She is now suffering from self neglect and the whole day is ruined by her. I am thinking of sending a plate of Christmas dinner over to her this year and DH can take it to her when he goes to see her. I have to stay out of it for my own mental health.

You sound lovely and caring OP.