To not invite DM for Xmas knowing she's alone with MH illness

[SimplyPie]

I don't know what to do.
DM is 76.
Lives alone.
Zero friends - can't maintain healthy relationships due to lack of boundaries or understanding about how her behaviour impacts on others.
Lifelong mental illness which is untreated as she won't engage with mental health services or her GP. The reason for her refusing to engage is due to the mental illness itself.
Mixture of unstable PD, lifelong depression, clinical anxiety, PTSD, self harm, self neglect, emotional dysregulation, ASD and ADHD.
Refuses medication and refuses therapy - lifelong refusal.
Her MI caused a caused a difficult childhood for DB and me and I carry this with me through my adulthood.
She raised us as a single parent.
DB is now NC with DM for his own MH protection and he aportions a lot of blame on her for his own depression and anxiety.
All of our extended family are NC with DM due to the emotional difficulties and challenges she presents in trying to maintain a long standing relationship.
Christmas is a huge MH trigger for her.
We have her to stay for a few days over Christmas and it is very hard work.
She is an emotional rollercoaster between being irritable, snapping at me and DH, talking in a stream of consciousness about her ongoing difficulties, devastation about not seeing DB and his children at Christmas anymore, crying, desperately wanting to spend every waking minute with my DC over Christmas on an emotional level whilst at the same time showing a complete lack of engagement with them on a demonstratable level, being non stop highly stressed, anxious, zero ability to sit through a kids Christmas movie with them or play a game with them, too distracted to get through a conversation with - she can't keep track of anything I try to talk to her about, and physically as unhelpful towards the general busyness of Christmas as it's possible to be. Sits there for entire days not moving. Doesn't occur to her to pitch in and help.
It's just bloody hard work and I feel like crying at the thought of another Christmas like it.
When the DC were little they'd bounce around excitedly not noticing all this. But they're getting older now and are beginning to pick up on things.
The thing is DM isn't mentally unwell but lovely with it. She isn't vulnerable in the sense that she leaves you feeling like you want to look after her. She's verbally argumentative all the time. She's hostile. She never smiles. She's paranoid in a negative way. She's accusatory. She can start an attack of arguing out of nowhere. Her conversation just goes round and round in a negative spiral. Every word she utters is negative. Endless moaning. I can have a completely neutral expression on my face and she'll argue at me for looking at her in an angry way.
I must add that we really are nice to her. Buy all her favourite food. Adapt food and cooking to her liking. Abandon family activities that DH and DC and me enjoy because she doesn't want to do them. Tip toe around her endlessly changing mood. Buy her really thoughtful and lovely gifts. Turn down social offers we'd personally love to accept because she stays for days. Pick her up. Drive her home. We appease her on every level.
And then after it's all over, she'll spend days texting me about how she knows me and DH hate her but she only comes to stay so tbat she can see my DC who she regularly tells me are her only reason for living.
The older I'm getting the more she is impacting on my wellbeing. I'm pretty strong and I think I've been pretty emotionally resilient through my life, considering I've been raised by a mother who's been like tgis my whole life. But strangely, I feel more affected by her behaviour in my middle age now than I did in my 20s and 30s, even though it has now been much longer since I lived with her (I left home at 18 which I spent 2 decades being either cried at or argued at about, with her blaming me for abandonment). I don't quite understand why it's all affecting me more now at this age.
So......I can hear you all thinking dont invite her over then. But the alternative is she sits at home alone with the TV and a microwave meal, and despite how impossible she is to get along with, I know about her life traumas and I understand those traumas are the reason for her illness, and knowing that makes me feel like I'd spend the entire Christmas feeling such guilt that I wouldn't enjoy it anyway.
I have tried all my life to support and love her.
But I can feel my brain is beginning to change now, after the effects of all these years of dealing with this.
And I just want to say - I hate serious mental illness. I really truly hate it and all it's harmful, toxic, devastating repercussions.
I hate it. I feel defeated by it.😞

OP - should have started by saying that this sounds incredibly hard. There’s some great advice on here about prioritising yourself which I’d support.
Personally have always found Christmas immensely challenging and am working my way through how my own responses.
I wish you well

Don't have her. Let your children have a nice Christmas (you deserve it too, but do it for them if you feel too guilty)

It's absolutely OK to not have her round and put yourself first.

Sorry to say this but practically she sounds like she might do something impulsive over the Xmas period? If she does this absolutely isn't your fault, but for your sake it would be important to process this now and work out how you would respond if she were to call you in crisis or hurt herself.

Edited to add - I personally wouldn't be so brave and would look to gradually reduce contact over Christmas. I'd invite her for the day this year and then lunch the following year. If her behaviour got worse I'd then stop inviting her.

That isn't to say you'd be in any way wrong to not have her this year, I'd just be cowardly weighing up the impact of her coming vs. how she would react if she felt suddenly rejected/dysregulated. I work with people with PD and I know how difficult it can be for everyone involved.

How far away does she live?
How much do you see her otherwise?

Do you challenge her behaviour? Tell her you aren’t prepared to listen to her negativity and moaning? Get up and walk away when she starts?

The bit I don’t get is why do you bend over backwards to try and make her happy? You know by now that it’s not going to work. But you’re still doing it. Why is that? It sounds like every year you reward her shitty behaviour 🤷‍♀️.

Instead of feeling guilty about her feelings feel guilty about putting your poor children through this. You’ve done more than your fair share over the years with her now it’s time for you and your family

It’s ok to put yourself first OP- how far away does she live ? Is there a compromise to be had ? Take her out to lunch on Boxing Day or something?

What a difficult situation you are in it must make you miserable.
The only advice I can give you is that you cannot change her but you can change your reaction to her. Care less, laugh with your family about her quirky ways..if it was me I would probably still invite her but you don’t have to and no one would blame you if you didn’t

"The bit I don’t get is why do you bend over backwards to try and make her happy? You know by now that it’s not going to work. But you’re still doing it. Why is that? It sounds like every year you reward her shitty behaviour 🤷‍♀️."
I get why this must sound hard to understand.
The answer to your question is, I try and look after her because she is a victim of lifelong trauma. She's lived through an entire childhood of abuse. She was raped as a teenager. She's lived through years of DV as an adult. She's lived through violent SA. She lived in an abusive relationship as an adult. She has been physically seriously attacked and had her life threatened. She has been rejected by her family. Called a liar by her siblings and they cut her out of their lives when she told them of her childhood abuse. She lost her best friend to suicide - she killed herself due to severe PND and DM has never recovered from finding her. Her first husband (my father) had an affair. Her second husband (my stepdad) committed suicide. With her 3rd partner, she lost our family home due to DV and financial coersion from an abusive and terrorising man. She was in danger and was housed in a refuge (I'd left home at that point and was living in Uni halls). Now her DS is NC and the cycle of her trauma continues.
I have a photo of her as a little girl, no older than 10. She looks so innocent, but when I look carefully, she already has pain in her eyes. I look at that photo and think, you didn't deserve what had already happened to you by then, and you didn't deserve the life of trauma ahead of you.
That's why I'm still doing it.

I’ve read your updates OP. Your mother has had a terrible life. But what she is subjecting you to, isn’t fair. You can’t save her now. But don’t ruin Christmas and family life for her benefit.

You’re not looking at the issue… she’s exposing your kids to awful behaviour. Stop excusing her. She has to take some responsibility.

You absolutely dont have to but if you feel guilty could you have her over on boxing day instead? Just for lunch & no staying over? Alternatively tell her you're going away for Christmas this year. You've done enough - you're not responsible for her problems.

Oh OP what a quagmire.
If you pick her up and drop her home, could you manage from say late afternoon on Christmas Eve till the morning of Boxing Day? Not too long but enough to alleviate guilt?

Hmm bit of a backtrack there op?

Anyway, regardless, I don’t think you should feel guilty about putting you and your family first. Your brother doesn’t. Or if he does; he still puts himself first.

Okay.

You are also a victim of trauma. You may not see it right now because you're in the throes of F O G, but you've experienced lifelong trauma too - you said in your own OP, you had a difficult childhood and have carried this into adulthood. That is trauma

The trauma she's experienced doesn't excuse the trauma she's subjected you to. Every single person has a responsibility to break any negative cycle they've ended up in, even with trauma. She has refused medication, refused therapy, refused anything that would improve the situation - she has chosen to perpetuate the cycle and not break it, because that's the easy option. It probably feels horrible to read that, but it is the truth. It is easier to perpetuate the trauma than to break the cycle, and she has chosen the easy option.

If not for your own sake then for your children's, break the cycle. This has affected your entire life and risks affecting your children's entire lives too. You'll tell yourself "I can protect them from it, it doesn't affect them, they're fine" again and again until suddenly, it's too late.

You look at your DB being NC as a form of trauma to her, so you put her in the victim role again - but what led your DB to go NC with her? He's the victim in that relationship, and you're the victim in this relationship. The difference is that he chose to break the cycle for his and his family's sake - you're currently feeling like you have to choose victimhood too.

You don't have to do this. You are not a bad person if you cut her off. Bad things happen in life; it's how you respond to them that matters. Her response made your childhood difficult and it's making your adulthood difficult. Don't let that cycle continue.

I hope you don’t feel guilty for ‘not saving ‘ her back then…..
You were a child.
It wasn’t your fault!!!!!
Many people have this story (sadly)
Some, go the way of your mum.
others don’t…they get help and work on themselves.
You really only have 2 choices

1. no contact like your db OR.
2. you implement very strong boundaries…. And mean it.

So if DM starts her ‘games’ …. It’s cut that out mum, or you’re going straight home. also kids aren’t stupid. Don’t let them learn, it’s ok for people to abuse their mum. because kids learn by example. Next time your kids are abused by someone, instead of asserting their boundaries, they may take the abuse…

Give yourself permission to say 'not this year mum' and tell her that her behaviour towards you has ade you and your family unhappy for a while, and this year you'll be having Christmas with just the DC and DH.

She's a drowning woman, and that's not your fault. You can't save her, she'll just drag you down.

I wouldn't give her an ultimatum, but you could say 'I'll still be here to listen if you are able to seek help/change the way you behave' (if you feel like that).

You could even offer to meet her for lunch somewhere around Christmas if she wants (and that'll make you feel better), but leave the ball in her court and ask her to organise.

You'll probably get some/ a lot of anger/upset/manipulation, but remind yourself she won't be happy with you at Christmas anyway, because she's deeply unhappy.

You're still the child, and she's the parent. You can't fix her. It'll be really tough, but better than carrying on as things are.

OP, your thread is frustrating to read because I’ve been in a similar situation and I can understand to an extent how you feel.
The thing is, whilst you see giving her a lovely Christmas as something she deserves, it’s actually not your responsibility to do that.
She has had a responsibility to herself to address the trauma, deal with it, and make better decisions for herself throughout her life.
I know that sounds extremely harsh, but please understand it really isn’t on you to make it all better.
She could already have a much better life if she wanted to. She could join clubs, activities, communities, gain friends etc.
I’ve realised that pandering to my mother’s horrible behaviour does nothing but enable her.
She wanted desperately to play at being the best Granny ever whilst my kids were young but then found them “too much” and became critical of them as soon as they started growing up and having their own opinions on how she treats me.
I am modelling boundaries and self respect to my kids who have great respect for that. I’m confident that I’ve broken the cycle of 3+ generations of emotional abuse now.
I will step away from this thread because it’s frustrating to read you backtracking and standing up for her now. Either put your own lovely family first and have your happy Christmas together or prioritise your mother and her miserable negative Christmas.
I know you’ve been conditioned to always put her first, but her sad life is not your issue to solve, you need to put your own wants first for once.

“They don't though.
It's all out of their earshot/eyeshot/different rooms.”

Why do people say things like this when it’s demonstrably untrue? Children are remarkably observant. They pick up on mood, tone. They know when the atmosphere is off. You may think they don’t know because they’re not in the room but they know how tense you get, how tearful you are. Stop accepting this behaviour.

Don't have her for Christmas.
Visit her at some point in December or zoom call her.
Enjoy yourself.

You sound like an immeasurably compassionate person and I completely understand your reasons, along with the FOG as others have said.

The key thing is that you hit the nail on the head when you said that she does know how to be nice, kind and loving. It isn't her mental health forcing her to be this way with you - she's choosing to be this way.

Her past sounds awful, of course. But it is absolutely not reasonable to expect you to offer yourself up as a punchbag to let her get her aggression out. There are other outlets for that - therapy, exercise, social groups... and actual punchbags!

You have to turn that compassion towards your children. I think you're absolutely right that they will start to pick up on undercurrents, and you need to demonstrate to them how to deal with people who insult us, people who make us uncomfortable, etc.

I think if it were me I'd draw a line under the visits to my home and the access to my children. Then I'd spend some time thinking about how much I was willing to do just me and her - meals out, visits to her home, video calls? Set some limits in your own head. Then I would send her a message (well in advance of Christmas) explaining, along with some pointers towards things that might help her, like community groups, MH charities etc.

Then put your phone down and take some deep breaths. She will not like it, but know that it's the best thing for your children (and you).

Change the pattern and do something different this year - E.g. Take her on one of those lovely Christmas light walks with your DH and DC instead of inviting her to stay. That way you won’t be stuck in the house treading on eggshells and having to manage her mood for much longer than a couple of hours.

My vote goes for tough love! YANBU

Go away this Christmas somewhere nice to break the pattern.

After that tell her you’ll still see her (maybe pop in for a couple of hours on Christmas Eve) but not for three days and she’ll need to start proper treatment if she wants extended visits as the current arrangements are making everyone unhappy.

Even if she's nice to your kids now, when they get older and more like individuals they will say or do something that displeases her and then they'll be subject to her vitriol too. I've seen it with my own mother and her grandchildren (my nieces). She doted on them as babies and when they became teenagers and didn't want to pose for her fake perfect family photos she got arsey and called them spiteful to their faces. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You mother sounds exactly like mine, and my only saving grace is she went and died prematurely from her own unhealthy lifestyle.

Don't invite her for Christmas and if you need to alleviate the guilt then see her on a less important day during the holidays. Once you put in boundaries it will only get easier for you. You'll wonder why you never did it sooner.

I agree with others , the effect she had on you is now spilling over to your own family. It's OK not to invite that energy into your family.

There are two ways of looking at this. The first is that due to the hideous abuse that she has been subjected to since childhood, she is irreparably damaged and she isn't capable of behaving in a way that makes her safe to be around your children. It isn't her fault, but she is too dangerous to be allowed to have a relationship with your children.

The other way of looking at this is that despite everything that she has been through, she is still has some agency and is capable of showing love to your children. However, she is doing this in such a way that she is weaponising her relationship with your children to direct more hatred and abuse your way. The relationship with your children only makes her happy because she can use it as a threat to keep you in line.

You deserve a peaceful and stress free Christmas for once in your life so don't invite her this year.